Wednesday, January 16, 2008
There are few things that truly annoy me. I am generally a glass 1/2 full kind of gal. But, unfortunately, I think when you have few complaints about life in general the complaints you DO have hit unnatural levels of annoyance. I decided today was the day to share my gripes with my best blogger buddies. So, grab a Venti Skinny Carmel Macchiato or your Mama Cap and giggle with me while I vent! Butt cracks and Underwear. If your pants are so low that the base of your spine peeks out from between the cheeks you sit on, you need new pants. I am not thin by any stretch of the word but I am quite sure that no matter my size I would not feel the need to show off my butt crack. Can someone explain this to me? I understand that we all have different tastes in clothing and that is fine but do I really need to see YOUR underwear? Do, I need to know that the colored dental floss you call your "panties" are riding up and peeking out over top of your way-too-low jeans? My biggest gripe about these thongs...what is the point? What are they doing for you? I am pretty sure the absorbent cotton crotch the size of a postage stamp is not worth the superior wedgie you are experiencing. My suggestion...take off the undies and get jeans that actually fit or wear a top that comes to your mid thighs. That would make me happy. Condescending Stares. Those of us with children have experienced this at least once in our mommyhood. You know what I am talking about. You leave from your house with no sleep b/c your child has decided to be awake for 14 days straight. You head for a place where you can lull your baby to sleep in the stroller while you get a little well-deserved "Me time." Your little angel is sound asleep as your walk the aisles in the mall gazing through the windows at all the latest trends that wouldn't fit your left thigh thanks to that little non-sleeper in your life. All is good with the world until you have to go to the bathroom. You head for the stall that will house you and your SUV of a stroller. You sit and wait for your body to relax enough to "go." That's when she does it. She is pissed, the stroller has stopped and she wants OUT! You finish what you were there to do while your baby hits decibels that should not be reached within a concrete box of a restroom. Her shrieking folds your eyelids, it pierces your eardrums, you could swear that even your armpits ache from the sheer vibrations she is sending out. You emerge from the bathroom knowing she is fine and will nod off as soon as the stroller is in motion but you find that every childless person in the mall is now standing in single file on either side of the door to the restroom. They are all glaring. You can hear their thoughts."What was she doing to that baby?" "Who is calling children's services?" "She must be one of those cruel 'let them cry it out' moms!" My only hope is that I am there when one of these women has the kind of day that makes her want to rip her folded eyelids off. I just want ONE, "I told you so." moment with them. Britney Spears. I am a very empathetic person but if I see one more chapter to this disgusting mess of a woman I will puke. I was a fan way back when before she performed 1/2 naked and I was giving her the benefit of the doubt until lately. Would someone just keep her in her house so she doesn't add to her own chaos? I am sick of hearing about her. She needs help but I don't feel the need to watch her spiral out of control. Chewing of the cud. I know Dawn is with me on this one and I laughed out loud when she mentioned it on her blog. I try not to let this bother me especially when it is my own children. I never want them to feel that I am annoyed by them. But when someone allows me to hear the crunching, slurping maceration of food within their facial hole, I want to scream. My son has a certain way he eats Popsicles that makes my skin crawl. I have had to ask him to sit in another room so I can't hear it. My husband is a major cruncher and loves loves loves to eat cereal...IN MY EAR! Give the man an ice cube and I think I could punch him square in the head and not feel badly about it. You can scratch your fingernails on a chalkboard for hours and it wouldn't bother me as much as the gnashing of food between your lips. And slurping? Oh, someone help me. It's like a switch in my head that flips when food and lips are involved. I can't explain it but I go from ever-so-sweet-and-gentle mom to I-need-to-inflict-physical-harm-to-someone crazed maniac. My dad is the same way...I think it is genetic. I just had a call from the WalMart photo center and the girl leaving the message was eating something...I think it was pickles...I memorized her voice and will be visiting her later...
Diets. I am a recovering Bulimic and life-time dieter, I know the drill, I can get skinny if I need to but for some reason all these diet commercials are getting on my nerves. I could care less if Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli shed a few pounds. Does anybody realize that if these diet scams really worked, we would all be thin and Jenny Craig, Nutra System, Medi Fast would all be out of business? I truly think the only legitimate weight loss program out there is Weight Watchers and even that, I am not thrilled with their maintenance program (just my personal opinion). I am annoyed that the media makes us feel that if we weight more than 17 ounces we NEED a diet. God made me round...I started out round...what is wrong with round? I don't think I will ever need my left leg to pick a lock so do I really need to wear a size zero? Probably not! I am just waiting for the medical procedure that just induces a coma and feeds you only fruits and vegetables through a tube until you are skinny. That's a lot less effort on my part. I am headed to the fridge!
Smelly people. I understand that we all have our own unique smell and there is a scientific reasoning behind it. Fine. But if my eyes are watering as I stand next to your hairy butt while you are paying for your cigarettes and SKOAL, you HAVE to be able to smell yourself. What about that smell makes you think it is OK? Where in our society did you grow up to think that smelling like you rubbed an Italian sub in every crack and crevice of your body was acceptable? Bathe. It's that simple. Water and a little soap. Not too difficult, right?
OK. I am done. I think. I am not really sure where this came from but, man, that felt good!
Now, because I am so considerate...I am opening this up to you, my loyal readers - GRIPE AWAY! Invite your FRIENDS...let's have a NATIONAL GRIPE FEST!! The funnier the better! No holds barred!!
I will surprise you with a unique post regarding all the interesting/quirky/one-of-a-kind pet peeves you all have so...dig deep, collect your gripes and lemme have 'em! You won't be disappointed. It will feel good to vent but it will also make you wet yourself when you see my next GRIPE POST!!
Labels: just for fun