Wednesday, January 16, 2008

General gripes...

There are few things that truly annoy me. I am generally a glass 1/2 full kind of gal. But, unfortunately, I think when you have few complaints about life in general the complaints you DO have hit unnatural levels of annoyance. I decided today was the day to share my gripes with my best blogger buddies. So, grab a Venti Skinny Carmel Macchiato or your Mama Cap and giggle with me while I vent! Butt cracks and Underwear. If your pants are so low that the base of your spine peeks out from between the cheeks you sit on, you need new pants. I am not thin by any stretch of the word but I am quite sure that no matter my size I would not feel the need to show off my butt crack. Can someone explain this to me? I understand that we all have different tastes in clothing and that is fine but do I really need to see YOUR underwear? Do, I need to know that the colored dental floss you call your "panties" are riding up and peeking out over top of your way-too-low jeans? My biggest gripe about these thongs...what is the point? What are they doing for you? I am pretty sure the absorbent cotton crotch the size of a postage stamp is not worth the superior wedgie you are experiencing. My suggestion...take off the undies and get jeans that actually fit or wear a top that comes to your mid thighs. That would make me happy. Condescending Stares. Those of us with children have experienced this at least once in our mommyhood. You know what I am talking about. You leave from your house with no sleep b/c your child has decided to be awake for 14 days straight. You head for a place where you can lull your baby to sleep in the stroller while you get a little well-deserved "Me time." Your little angel is sound asleep as your walk the aisles in the mall gazing through the windows at all the latest trends that wouldn't fit your left thigh thanks to that little non-sleeper in your life. All is good with the world until you have to go to the bathroom. You head for the stall that will house you and your SUV of a stroller. You sit and wait for your body to relax enough to "go." That's when she does it. She is pissed, the stroller has stopped and she wants OUT! You finish what you were there to do while your baby hits decibels that should not be reached within a concrete box of a restroom. Her shrieking folds your eyelids, it pierces your eardrums, you could swear that even your armpits ache from the sheer vibrations she is sending out. You emerge from the bathroom knowing she is fine and will nod off as soon as the stroller is in motion but you find that every childless person in the mall is now standing in single file on either side of the door to the restroom. They are all glaring. You can hear their thoughts."What was she doing to that baby?" "Who is calling children's services?" "She must be one of those cruel 'let them cry it out' moms!" My only hope is that I am there when one of these women has the kind of day that makes her want to rip her folded eyelids off. I just want ONE, "I told you so." moment with them. Britney Spears. I am a very empathetic person but if I see one more chapter to this disgusting mess of a woman I will puke. I was a fan way back when before she performed 1/2 naked and I was giving her the benefit of the doubt until lately. Would someone just keep her in her house so she doesn't add to her own chaos? I am sick of hearing about her. She needs help but I don't feel the need to watch her spiral out of control. Chewing of the cud. I know Dawn is with me on this one and I laughed out loud when she mentioned it on her blog. I try not to let this bother me especially when it is my own children. I never want them to feel that I am annoyed by them. But when someone allows me to hear the crunching, slurping maceration of food within their facial hole, I want to scream. My son has a certain way he eats Popsicles that makes my skin crawl. I have had to ask him to sit in another room so I can't hear it. My husband is a major cruncher and loves loves loves to eat cereal...IN MY EAR! Give the man an ice cube and I think I could punch him square in the head and not feel badly about it. You can scratch your fingernails on a chalkboard for hours and it wouldn't bother me as much as the gnashing of food between your lips. And slurping? Oh, someone help me. It's like a switch in my head that flips when food and lips are involved. I can't explain it but I go from ever-so-sweet-and-gentle mom to I-need-to-inflict-physical-harm-to-someone crazed maniac. My dad is the same way...I think it is genetic. I just had a call from the WalMart photo center and the girl leaving the message was eating something...I think it was pickles...I memorized her voice and will be visiting her later... Diets. I am a recovering Bulimic and life-time dieter, I know the drill, I can get skinny if I need to but for some reason all these diet commercials are getting on my nerves. I could care less if Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli shed a few pounds. Does anybody realize that if these diet scams really worked, we would all be thin and Jenny Craig, Nutra System, Medi Fast would all be out of business? I truly think the only legitimate weight loss program out there is Weight Watchers and even that, I am not thrilled with their maintenance program (just my personal opinion). I am annoyed that the media makes us feel that if we weight more than 17 ounces we NEED a diet. God made me round...I started out round...what is wrong with round? I don't think I will ever need my left leg to pick a lock so do I really need to wear a size zero? Probably not! I am just waiting for the medical procedure that just induces a coma and feeds you only fruits and vegetables through a tube until you are skinny. That's a lot less effort on my part. I am headed to the fridge! Smelly people. I understand that we all have our own unique smell and there is a scientific reasoning behind it. Fine. But if my eyes are watering as I stand next to your hairy butt while you are paying for your cigarettes and SKOAL, you HAVE to be able to smell yourself. What about that smell makes you think it is OK? Where in our society did you grow up to think that smelling like you rubbed an Italian sub in every crack and crevice of your body was acceptable? Bathe. It's that simple. Water and a little soap. Not too difficult, right? OK. I am done. I think. I am not really sure where this came from but, man, that felt good! Now, because I am so considerate...I am opening this up to you, my loyal readers - GRIPE AWAY! Invite your FRIENDS...let's have a NATIONAL GRIPE FEST!! The funnier the better! No holds barred!! I will surprise you with a unique post regarding all the interesting/quirky/one-of-a-kind pet peeves you all have so...dig deep, collect your gripes and lemme have 'em! You won't be disappointed. It will feel good to vent but it will also make you wet yourself when you see my next GRIPE POST!!

20 comments:

Julie said...

Are we twins that were separated at birth?? ha ha! I totally agree with ALL of your gripes. Yeah, they call it UNDERWEAR FOR A REASON...I have a few to add, if you don't mind...

Girls (and sometimes grown women) who wear a size 16 and somehow manage to stuff themselves into a size 8 (or size small). So we get to see all of the bulges, lumps, and flab hanging over the tops of their pants (or out from under their shirts...EEWW). Now, I can complain about this, because I do, in fact, at this very moment, wear a size 16. I don't like it, and I wish I were a size 2 again (I was at one point...)But I don't pretend that I'm not overweight, and I don't try to wear things that make me look like a stuffed sausage.

Liars. I think that one pretty much explains itself - if you want more in depth detail, please feel free to contact me at my blog and I will gladly fill you in...

Rude waiters/cashiers/customer service reps - okay, I've been a cashier & a customer service rep. I know the job isn't always fun. I know you probably get cussed out occasionally. But do you really have to take it out on ME?

Well, those are a few of my pet peeves - there's more, but I don't want people to think I'm some sort of weirdo. Oh wait, it's too late for that. Okay, I don't want to make my comment too long.

Looking forward to seeing other people's gripes!!!

Julie Stiles Mills said...

"I don't think I will ever need my left leg to pick a lock" diet. coke. through. the nose! You CRACK me up!

realworldmartha said...

TOO FUNNY! I loved the diet one. You are so right. I have seen so many lose weight on those programs only to have it come right back. The "stars" have to keep it off because they are on contract.

Dutch Momma said...

I am sooooo with you regarding the major wedgie... A Dutch comedian called wearing thongs 'flossing your butt'! Exactly!
Even on WW (I'm with you)aiming for a size 8 (realistic, ha!), I will never wear one: laces belong in your shoes, not in in your BUTT!!

Too Little Time said...

Gripe on the other side of the coin - parents that don't dicipline their children. You know, the child that is running into you, being obnixous, getting "sticky of thiers" all on you and when you look at the parents with the "please control your child in your space, not mine" they are ignoring this behavior completely. Obviously, the child has never heard of the word discipline!

Rudness. Somewhere manners seem to have become lost. There are too few "excuse me's, Thank You's or I'm sorry's" in the world. The me-first mentality.

I really have to watch those soap-boxes! =) Karrie

Christina said...

OMG you made my day! I am laughing SOOO hard!!!

Heather said...

Ahhhh...you had to go and open this can-o-worms! I'm glad you did. Here are my gripes (not necessarily in order) First, I'm with you on thongs. I call them eyepatches because that is what they look like. I cannot stand to see the jr. highers OR adults with the thong hanging out their low rise jeans while their "muffin top" stomach bulges over the top of their waist band. Second, If you can't walk and chew gum simultaneously, you CANNOT under any circumstances drive in the fast lane on the highway while text messaging someone. Third, dirty fingernails. That ranks up there with bad shoes in my book. One word---toothbrush it'll clear out the rank fingernail cheese that has relocated from between your toes and lodged underneath your finger tips. Third, people who speak incorrect english. My husband annoys the heck outta me when he says something was "tore up". It wasn't TORE up, it was TORN up. Sometimes it's amazing to me that he has a degree (love you honey) Fourth, people who brag that they're not into materialism when they're living in a $350K+ house, driving a Hummer and wearing $200 jeans from Nordstrom's. Clue phone, it's for you--YOUR MATERIALISTIC! Fifth....I'm on a roll, huh. Customer service people who are behind the ONLY register open who don't suggest to the person in front of me: "Do you mind if I get the girl behind you she only has one item" and check out my one pack of gum BEFORE doing 5 returns and 3 purchases for other person. I mean come on. Every time I have a ton of stuff to purchase or return and someone behind me has one item I say, "Please go ahead of me". Where's everyone else's courteousy? And finally the creme' de la creme' of annoyances...@$$holes who pull in beside you in a parking lot so close that you need a can opener to get out of your own car. If I'm having to crawl in through the passengers side you can be assured AUTOMATIC DOOR DING! Ah, I feel so much better. How much do I owe ya'll for therapy?

Deb in OPKS said...

When I read your post earlier today I was so excited! A place to vent. I started a comment then deleted it. Everything I considered mentioning would probably hack off too many moms, but as I sit here right now, I have a major gripe. I hate the Wii! I hate that it turns my kids into monsters and they scream and yell at it. I hate that they fight over who gets to play it. I hate that my oldest is given one more avenue to be annoyed by her younger sister. I hate that she gets so frustrated with it she literally starts crying because the computer cheated her. I hate that she gets mad because it won't hook up on-line and she can't check whatever stupid little store she wanted to see or something like that. And I hate that my 5 year old can beat me at boxing! Whew, I feel better now. Thanks. Now I need to go yell at the kids and send them to bed! BTW, I also hate whistling, if you missed it, you can read about it on my blog: http://weddingsx3.blogspot.com/2007/12/dont-whistle-while-you-work.html

Anonymous said...

Oh My Word!! I just sat here and totally cracked up about the jeans and butt floss. Everyday we tell our 17 yr old to pull up the jeans we are sick of seeing crack, and that it kills. Thanks for the laugh!!!

Dawn said...

"Chewing of the cud" BAAAA!!! Perfect description, Michelle!
I hate when people drive under the speed limit in front of me. I hate when a car, playing pole position, cuts in front of me just to get that one car ahead! I hate, hate, hate when people don't bother to use spell check, are grammatically impaired, and think that punctuation is optional.
Oh and I think people who wear buttfloss think, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." You know your underwear is going to get stuck up your butt anyway, so why not just a thread as opposed to a whole wad of granny briefs.

Samantha said...

Oh my goodness, that was the funniest post I have ever read! It's like you read my mind when it comes to pet-peeves and annoyances. Here, let me add to your list:

*I can't stand boys/men who wear their hats off to one side. You're not Snoop-Doggie-Pooh or whatever his name is. Wear it properly or don't wear it all.

*Loud base. I'm quite sure that nothing annoys me more than a man who is sitting so far back in his car seat that he can't even see over the wheel while his entire car and all the other cars around him are "booming" with his awful rap music. No one wants to hear it, bubba-bubba. And by the way, that doesn't make me want to jump in your car and pull behind the 7-11.

*Snotty, pretentious people. So you have money. Who says your life is rich?

Okay, I should stop there. I honestly could go on, but those are my main gripes :) Oh, wait, one more - muffin tops. No one wants to see that extra layer of blubber jiggling around the disgustingly tight waist band of your jeans.

Anonymous said...

This is related to the muffin top. I hate when pregnant women run around with their bellies hanging out. I was pregnant with my second child the year Rachel on Friends was pregnant and she wore all those outfits with the bottom of her stomach hanging out to work. I was so offended. I would never dress like that when not pregnant. I don't want to see your stomach, pregnant or otherwise. You haven't accomplished some great feat by getting knocked-up. You aren't the first. Cover your stupid stomach!

And a guilty confession. My brother is one of those smelly people. It is so embarrassing. My parents taught us proper hygene but he seems to think it doesn't apply to him. And he has a disgusting mustache that is so long it goes in his mouth! Eeww.

Patti said...

Michelle, I loved all your comments!!!! I can only add weatherpeople. Where else can you be 100% wrong in your job, and blame it on a shifting weather pattern? I mean, imagine you are the air traffic controller and you insruct one plane to fly right into another...gosh, I thought they were fine, but a strong unexpected wind came by! This pet peeve came to me as I sit here watching the RAIN fall outside my window. Rain that looks white, flake-like, and beautiful to me. Not unlike the snow predicted earlier in the week that look much like rain!!!!! Yet, do we not all tune in to see what the forcasters are saying?!?!? I guess I am more annoyed with myself when I tune in and then expect them to kow what the heck they are talking about!!!! Oh, and here is another, people that moan about the weather too. So, it's the middle of winter... IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE COLD IN PA. Deal with it people! In the summer, it is HOT. Really! That's the way it works.

Ok, wow, I feel better now. Thanks for the gripesite!

Patti

Melinda Zook said...

Oh no, I wasn't expecting to laugh my head off when I was reading your post so now I can't even think. I have so many gripes these days too.

I am so with you on the rude people and chewing the cud. Included with that I hate it when you can hear the fork on people's teeth. that scratching sound, eek! I get on my hubby's case about that all the time.

Beckie said...

How about young people who push right past older people. That could be your Grandmother or Grandfather you just about knocked down.

I LOVE it when someone holds the door for me. I will always turn to them say thanks and smile. I hate it when people refuse to show others trying to help them disrespect.

This one comes from being a mom. When the teacher gives you an assignment, do it...ON TIME! I know the teacher told you several times it needs to be done and when it has to be handed in.

Grandmother Goddess of the Garden said...

Michelle, I agree with all of yours and everyone else's so far. The "cud chewing" and loud slurping make me want to rip the flesh from my dear husband's face and flush it down the toilet! He doesn't do this when we eat out, but at home it's become a ritual to loudly slurp his morning coffee. It's actually woke my daughter from a sound sleep. The other thing that really annoys me is when people don't cover their mouths and/or noses when they cough or sneeze. My husband, who is a nurse does this on a consistent basis. It makes me cringe when someone at the check out desk (I work in a library) tosses their library card on the counter instead of handing it to me. I seriously want to toss it back at them, with a smile of course! And while we're on the griping subject...nose pickers! I hate when people sit in their cars, or anywhere else that's considered public space with their fingers rammed knuckle deep up their noses. I hate the flickers and the eaters as well!

Good luck with Macy Sue!

Melanie said...

I agree with all those things, you crack me up, and I needed that! I do have one to add...people who are in the wrong (and they know it) who make it sound like it was/is your fault. Own up to your mistakes...this especially irritates me when it is a company that has made a mistake and won't own up to it!

Patti said...

Oh, I just thought of another. When you are in the bathroom, all alone, taking care of your URGE as you so delicately put it, and there are plenty of empty stalls. In comes someone who wants to choose the one right next to you! Seriously, do we have to be next to one another when we don't have to be? Do you really want to be near me?!? Geez.

Beckie said...

oops that last line should have said common repect not disresect.
Sorry.

Shellie said...

OK, I'm slow here...But I HATE Bob commercials. You know, natural male enhancements? I just want to hit the guy in the teeth. I'm not sure why...