Sunday, April 27, 2008

WIRED...

That's my profile - wires and all. I had a HOLTER MONITOR to check on some heart palpitations...kinda strange for someone that rarely even wears a band-aid. Kinda hard to pee with a big wad of wires in your pocket and the other ends attached to your ....ummm.... hoo-has! My doctor thinks it is just stress. So, I am supposed to take it easy. Stay even-keeled. My parents offered to watch the kids so Ken and I could schedule a long-awaited DATE NIGHT!! My hubby and I don't get out that often so when we do - it is a BIG deal! Lastnight was DATE NIGHT! We went to a great restaurant we had never gone to before....BONEFISH....it was awesome. Very yummy food, very relaxed and GREAT company! He's pretty cute! After dinner we headed to my favorite place to relax in the world...BARNES & NOBLE! But, now do you remember WHAT THE HECK happened the LAST time I thought B&N was a good idea? Well, if you are new or you just don't remember, remind yourself here. This time, Ken and I grabbed some books and magazines and sat at a little cafe table to read and flirt with each other. (yes, 15 years later, we are still goofy-giddy-newlyweds!) But, veg-time is completely dependent on WHO you sit next to...HOLY CRIPES! Next time I will pick the seat b/c Ken pulled up a chair right next to ...let's call her Margaret. I don't know her name but I know every creepy thing about her life. This woman should be in therapy. And then her therapist should seek therapy! Margaret was chatting with her friend...it all started with this question, "So, how do the Quaker's feel about violence, like defending yourself?" For those of you who are not aware, the Quakers are alive and well in PA...William Penn - "Penn"sylvania - Quakers - it's all part of the deal. They are "religious witnesses for peace since 1660." Well, Margaret went into her Buddhist rant. How the Buddhists feel about evil and protecting yourself from it, etc. Whatever. To each his own. I don't care. I go back to my reading. Then she mentions that she never leaves the house without her Sig Sauer. I looked at Ken with my eyebrow raised...I have NO idea what she is saying. Sig what? Ken makes his best GUN with his hand (on the down-low of course) and I gasp. Quietly. Back to my book. "My stalker!" Those words got my attention. Apparently, she has had a lot to deal with in her life as a VA nurse. Holy heck...is her therapist on speed dial?
Something is said about a gun safe accident. My ears perk up as I have a personal aversion to guns. But then she spouted. She frothed. She talked of her life-long dream of owning a gun shop. I almost turn my head and watch her like a TV. But then she whines that her dream was shattered when a 400 lb. gun safe fell on her wife. Yes, I said "wife" - Ken caught the spout of hot macchiato I threw from my lips!
So, to make a long story short - because this was a story WAY-too-long for our short supposed-break-from-the-chaos-we-call-life! Margaret was a ... gun-toting lesbian formerly stalked Buddhist nurse! Any one (or even TWO) of these things would never have caught my attention. But, five? ALL FIVE?! And now her pacifist Quaker friend was discussing hand-gun options with her. She was climbling aboard the GUN-TRAIN! Seriously, I am such an open-minded, non-judgemental person. I have friends in almost every category of human you can think of - I really do... but this poor woman's life made me sad...AND KEPT MY FROM THE BOOK THAT WAS GOING TO UNCOVER ALL THE PUBLISHING SECRETS I AM CURRENTLY SEEKING! So, that was date night! Ooooo La La! Maybe my stress is directly related to WHERE I sit at Barnes & Noble! Give it up? What are my options? I am an addict. But, do people actually pop a Valium before ordering their Macchiato? Let me be the first!

12 comments:

I am Heather...creator of all things crafty! said...

Ok, that is a hoot. You got a good laugh from me. Love ya, H

VanDerHoekArt said...

I'm still giggling. Seriously, real life can be WAY funnier than fiction!

I hope your heart is fine and that it's just stress.

Oh, and I love the cards and artwork you've been posting!

Kalynne Pudner said...

Girlfriend, if only you wrote women's fiction instead of children's books! Margaret sounds like a helluva MC!

Michelle said...

I love it. Thanks for sharing the priceless insanity!
Do you ever read Janet Evanovich? Now I know where she gets the inspiration for her characters!

Mabunny said...

Oh that must have been interesting.
My hubby told me yesterday when he went out late Saturday night to help a friend who had car problems that he saw the guys across the street with a gun. He didnt' like that and then when he went to walmart yesterday a stooopid punk teen pulled a gun on a guy over a parking space. hubby quickly the heck out of there and didn't hear any shots, but geesh. get over it people,, over a parking space???? ugh

Glad you got to have a date night with your sweety.
I love B& N too, greatest place ever invented!

Tracy said...

See, what you need to understand is that you and I have this special...um..thing about us. We kind of give it off like pheramones (not sure if that's spelled right) and those pheramones attract people who are a little off their rockers.
So you could sit in the last stall of the bathroom at B&N and somehow Margaret would have found you and sat in the stall next to you and talked on her cellphone.
You can't avoid it.
I was once walking down the street when this guy walked by and said "hi there, I've been looking for you!" I had never seen this man in my life. but then he went on to explain that he finally got that job at the tire shop and they were going to pay him $200 an hour so he could support me and the kids. Score.
You can't avoid it.

Sue said...

OMG, I am cracking up!

Maybe you ought to have date night in your own house (in the attic where no one can find you)so you don't need to go through the stress of other people's lives!

Maybe she was magnetically attracted to all your wiring! That is pretty sexy!

Please, have some tea, put your feet up, watch Seinfeld or something, but PLEASE relax!!!

Bloggin' Mama said...

Um... maybe you should stop going to B&N..... Just a thought! Or maybe not, then you wouldn't have these awsomely funny, way-too-strange-to-be-made-up stories to tell! The last time I went to B&N a few weeks ago I just sat in the back corner of the Starbucks and kept to myself, there really are some nutjobs out there!

Debbie Yost said...

You always have the most interesting trips to B&N. Mine are always quiet and dull!

Just-Me-Jen said...

Oh my goodness, I'll never look at B&N the same - LOL
Ours is downright boring compared to yours, though. I like ours. :-D
Good luck with the stress thing - I hope all is well & you find a way to relax!

Shellie said...

a gun-toting,lesbian,formerly stalked,Buddhist nurse! talking to a Quaker no less. That was priceless! I'm with Tracy on this one. I have several members of my family who incessantly have encounters like that. As for the holter monitor good luck on it registering anything while you've got it on. Once you take it off again, you will fall apart. Both my sisters have had to do that too, for similar issues. One did get diagnosed with atrial fibrillation, which isn't a great big deal. Hope it all works out well.

Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

Thanks for the laugh! And, yes, slow down now and then....