Wednesday, April 2, 2008
What's GROSSER than GROSS...
Apparently, my day! SHEESH! It all started this morning with the GWELACK-ing sound of my oldest son. You know that sound...borders on 'cat-with-hairball' but has a 'juicy' ring to it...you know the one? "MOOOOOOOOOOM!! He has a booger!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!" "Well, get it," I said with my head in the dryer trying to multitask as everyone got ready for school, "grab a tissue and get it!" "GWELACK! Mom! I am gagging because it is in my mind! You can't actually expect me to touch it!" I giggled as I threw the last of the laundry in the basket, "Honey, it sounded like you were going to say, 'I am gagging because it is in my MOUTH!' " "GWELACK!" I hopped the baby gate, looked on the kitchen floor to make sure that was, in fact JUST a dry heave, grabbed a tissue and wiped the face of my booger-donning little man who was standing like a deer in the headlights wondering what all the fuss was about. Poor guy! One little booger and the house freaks out! Then... oh yeah, there's more!! We'll call him "Booger" and I get the big kids on the bus, I shower and we head for the mall so I could find an outfit to wear to Oprah!! The mall we go to has a cool playground inside by Children's Place (quite the marketing stunt, if you ask me!) so I did the ole' "if you are reeeeaaaaallllllyyyy good while Mama
drives the GAP sales girls crazy looks around and tries on everything in the store some clothes we can go to the playground until you are hungry and I can bribe you away with the promise of McDs for a while."
While we were playing I saw it....someone's pee. Now, boogers I can handle. But, pee? In a bag? At the mall? Come on! Before you all jump on me for being insensitive, I am SOOOO the most sensitive person you will ever meet! And I totally get it if there is a health issue and you need a catheter, I have had one, I didn't go to the mall with it in my purse, but I have had one! I truly think it is wonderful that this dear person decided on this beautiful day to get out of the house and head to the mall, but....could I NOT SEE YOUR PEE...PLEASE??!!! Could you make a little bag - like a Vera Bradley-type pee-bag cover? PUH-LEASE!!
Then...oh, I am not done...you couldn't bee so lucky...don't you know bad things come in 3's??!
As I am trying not to look at "the Bag O' Pee" I catch a glimpse of this little boy under the slide. He is hunched over on his knees on the floor with his forehead on the dirty play mat. Hmmmm. Strange, but whatever. I make googly eyes at my cute booger headed down the slide and I catch another glimpse. This time he is peeking out from under the arm he has his head now resting on. He is obviously trying to be sly about something - but what? I should have looked away. "Please God, remind me to look away next time I see that look (on someone ELSE'S kid)!"
He dives in. His left hand slides between his Spiderman undies and his pasty white butt cheek. Oh, he has an itch, I think. Nope.
He quickly diverts to the path of no return...the crack.
NO! PLEASE, I am having trouble looking away, PLEASE!! No!"
Then, he does it. The unthinkable. He goes IN! IN, I tell you! (fire in the HOLE-style)
Why little boy? Why??!
Like a pick-pocket, he is OUT.
Thank the LORD!
And then back in.....
but this time his finger goes IN HIS MOUTH!!!!!
HOLY HECK, KID!! WHERE IS YOUR MOTHER? I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!!
Needless to say, we left for McD's soon after, I chose a coffee to settle my innards.
Oh yeah, and I got a cool outfit and jewelry for Oprah - of course, it will forever remind me of my booger-lipped, pee-bag carrying, butt-digging little friends! Thanks for the memories!