Friday, February 8, 2008

Momma Constipation...

I am probably giving you too much information (TMI) here...but I would wager a bet that I am NOT the only one who has this problem...
(minor-TMI alert)
I get everyone onto the bus and coax my little man back inside with the promise of a lollipop so I can relieve the "urge" that is looming in my gut. Now, you must know that our other two had a strict rule to live by, "NO sugar until after lunch!" When the third came along - yeah, not so strict anymore - I just jump on whatever ploy works that day.
"Want some candy?" "Then, please get off the dining room table." "Want a donut?" "You'll need to stop playing in the potty and wash your hands, then!" He's onto me!
If I'd have had a bowl of sugar in my small powder room I would have given him a spoon just so I could have relieved myself in peace. But I wasn't thinking ahead I guess.
I briskly entered the throne room with a chubby little hand in mine, shut the door and took my seat as Queen of...(I'll spare you!) With that, I was apparently awarded a Jester and JEST he did!
He is a small 2 year old but he felt big as he lurched his body across the room, planted his hands on the lip of the pedestal sink, threw his feet to the pedestal and lifted. His little body became the shape of a "less-than" sign. He was eye to eye with me. He looked at me, giggled and jumped down.
Funny how nothing goes unnoticed when you are 32" tall. He headed right for the small stack of toilet paper in the corner. He and I began a sweet game of catch with one of the rolls. Fifteen years ago, I would never have imagined myself in the toilet-seat-shot-put Olympics. But, who does? I was just hoping to read something, anything in any one of the many untouched magazines in the bin by my feet.
Bored with catch he makes it his mission to build the Leaning Tower of TP. What a kick he gets out of himself when he makes it as tall as he is. I smile. How cute. But three seconds later I have become the center of a nuclear attack as there are toilet paper intercontinental bolistic missles bludgeoning me from all sides! What is it about stacks and piles that make toddlers evolve into SUPER DESTRUCTO MAN?! Another Mom-phenomenon that we will never figure out.
The dog pushes the door, that I thought was shut, open a bit ad tries to come in. I fling my body to the door and shut it. I have all the stimulation I need right now as my body has not relaxed enough to make this trip a DONE DEAL, yet.
And with that minor distraction, my son has decided to switch careers. SUPER DESTRUCTO MAN is now Kareem Abdul Juicebox as he makes a slam dunk with a roll of TP into the pedestal sink. Funny, I never saw that parallel...the powder room sink does look a bit like a basketball net. Huh.
After the huge bulk pack of toilet paper is dumped on the floor and he begins fishing in the trashcan and lunging for the toilet brush I decide...it is time to abort this mission.
We walk out together only to find that the dog has completely macerated the roll she must have grabbed when she tried to interrupt only minutes ago. It looks like she killed a poodle! Well, the "urge" has passed....there's always tomorrow.
Somehow I don't think working moms deal with this discomfort. I can't imagine their co-workers climbing under the stall and wrapping them in toilet paper or playing pat-a-cake! They have the PLEASURE OF POOPING IN PEACE!!

18 comments:

Tracy said...

Can I just say that I love the name Kareem Abdul Juicbox? That part made me giggle.
I totally feel your pain here. And as sorry as I am for your loss (of poo oportunity that is) I am so glad that I am not the only one going through it.
thanks for your honesty!

realworldmartha said...

OH MY GOODNESS!! Too funny! I guess that's why I stopped at two :)

nickernoodle said...

That was hilarious! As a working mom, I have to deal with the fact that I can't poop in a public place. So it really stinks (no pun intended) when it strikes at work and you are still 1 1/2 hours away from 5:00!!!!

Grandmother Goddess of the Garden said...

TRADE YA! ;) Thanks for the laugh!

Sue said...

My sister (no kids) cannot understand how I can poop anywhere in public. No, not on the sidewalk, but in public bathrooms. Are you kidding? They have a lock and no one wants to look under or sit on your lap or generally interrupt the "process" and best yet, my dog is nowhere to be found!

Sarah said...

has this happened to you again?
Or did I jsut dream about this whole scenario before?

:)

hope you finally get everyting worked out!

My Semblance of Sanity said...

Nope - you are right...this IS a repeat from about a year ago - BUT it also DID happen to me again today...not EXACTLY the same but very similar...there were trains involved. :)

Julie said...

You are such a good storyteller! I must be a mean mommy, though, because when I go into the bathroom to "do some paperwork" as my husband calls it, there are NO kids allowed. They can sit and cry or whatever, but they are NOT allowed in there. WHY, oh WHY would they WANT to be anyway?

coffespaz said...

I had tears running down my face from laughing by the time I finished this one.

Thank goodness I only have a cat who follows me into the Throne Room...apparently when I have to go, so does he! How charming...

Heather said...

So email me how I would advertise on your blog....(the little sidebar advertising thingy) Thanks Heather

Deb in OPKS said...

In our house we call that a Kramer. (from Seinfeld)

peach said...

I feel your pain, i have not poo'd in peace in 20 years... someone always thinks this is a good time to come talk to me! Sighs
Hugs Laura ~Peach~

Jenster said...

You know, now that my youngest is 13 this is an incredibly funny scenario!!

Next time give him a box of tampons and show him how to smack the bottom hard enough to make the tampon fly out like a rocket. My son thought that was great fun and it kept him occupied. I would suggest the family pack so you have enough.

My Semblance of Sanity said...

THAT GOT A LOUD LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jenster,
that is HYSTERICAL!!!
May have to get that on video and YOUTUBE it!

cyn said...

You are a nut and even a bigger one for sharing it. Thanks for the laughs!!! :)

Shellie said...

Yup! Been there, done that.

Sarah said...

was not trying to call you out on the repeat adventure... it just messed with my brain enough that I couldnt figger it out!

trains in the toilet...at least there are cleaner that toilets on trains... blech!

Dawn said...

LOL! Michelle, you crack me up! I lock the door behind me whenever I set foot in the bathroom. Then I just enjoy the banging on the door and the screaming Moooom!