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July 26, 2005 my sweet baby boy entered the world at a mere 4 pounds 11 ounces. He spent 9 days in the NICU. I wish I could have been there to touch his tiny body. I wish I could have heard his first cry. I wish I could have fed him his first taste of milk. I never saw him but my heart knew him.
April 25, 2006, almost 9 months later to the day, I got the call, "Michelle, my paper work says you will take babies. Is that right?"
Gasp! "Yes. Yes, I will!"
"Well, we have a 9 month old who needs you. He should be here any minute. Can you get here before the office closes at 5?"
The next 2 years are confidential as our baby "I" who we were told from the beginning would be a short-term foster placement remains technically our foster son. As much as I want to share our roller coaster ride of ups and downs, happiness and tears, heartache and indifference, I can't until his adoption is final. Within a matter of weeks he will have our last name, we will be put on the birth certificate, we will have a party and we could not be happier.
God had decided to complete our family with Baby "I" way back when I was clinging to life on the delivery table birthing "E" and my uterus. My God knew we couldn't risk delivering another baby and He put it on my heart that our family was not complete - VERY HAPPY, but not complete. I couldn't explain that ache to my husband. I could only describe a future family photo in my head...there were 5 people on our couch posing for a picture but one's face was a blur. I had to fill that face. We did.
Back when we were thinking about getting into foster care I had a very vivid dream about a baby boy. He was a strawberry blond with blue eyes and I couldn't shake the image of his little face for days. It was one of those dreams that just hangs in your head like a memory. For days I kept feeling like I was forgetting something when I would leave the house - the baby....ugh it was just a dream!
A couple weeks ago I was re-reading an old journal, I found the entry about that dream...I looked at the date and did the math. My dream was within weeks of when my blond/blue-eyed baby boy would have been conceived.
God is good.
Our family is complete.
"Born not under my heart, but in it."
8 comments:
I had a vision of my boy before we met him too! You just know they're out there!
OOOOOhhhh! Now it makes sense! I honestly couldn't imagine you going through birth again!
Our last cycle of drugs was going to be our last--I just couldn't handle it and wanted to just get onto the adoption process that I was sure we were going to go thru. Lo and behold, we actually conceived (four!) and were done with it anyway!
That is awesome!!! I will be thinking and praying for you over the next few weeks that all goes well with the adoption.
Beth
There are too many unexplained circumstances in my life that make it impossible for me to believe in God. I don't need the scientific proof. My faith is strong and stories like yours only strenghten it. I completely understand that "need" and lack of completeness you mention. I am so glad your rollercoaster ride will soon be over and you will be able to call your child your own without question to anyone. I realize in your heart, he already is.
TEARS... we will be keeping you guys in our thoughts and prayers that the adoption is completed and whats already done is finished on paper too!
Hugs Laura
WOW!!! Tears for me too! i will never forget when we first started attending church and school with you guys. My kids told me, "Mom, "M"and "E" have a little brother, but they are not sure if they are going to keep him!!" I have to say I was a bit perplexed until we chatted at summer camp. Anyway, thank you for sharing your wonderful story. And after the connections he seems to have with your Dad, he is definately meant to be yours! I can't wait until the big celebration!!
God is amazing....so are you!! I am so blessed to have you in my life!
Michelle,
I will keep your family in our prayers as your journey continues. God's blessings to you!
Karla
I've been a reader of your blog on and off for a couple of months now, but I haven't commented. I'm like that with blogs. I don't usually comment unless I know you, but invariably, if I keep coming back there's an entry that I HAVE to comment about. This was it for me.
I have five kids. It's a miracle that I have these five. Two of them were very close to not making it ( #1 and #5). I had always had this sort-of sixth sense about knowing that we'd have five. We were supposedly done at four, but number five came along anyway. He's almost two now.
However, I had a miscarriage in between number 1 and 2. Sometimes I search for that person. I wonder who he or she would have been. I've wondered if maybe there'd be a kid out there somewhere that would fit into our family. Nothing concrete, just some daydreams.
Then, this last weekend I was sick and sat at my computer and read stories (sad stories) of families who had babies who were born with disabilities. Most of these babies have died. I was surprised and saddened to hear stories of babies basically abandoned at the hospital because the parents just couldn't deal with it or didn't know how to parent a special needs child. I'm not judging, I really haven't been in those shoes. I began to wonder why I was reading these stories, I was emotionally exhausted.
I read about a wonderful organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" that takes photos for bereaving parents of these children or parents who have a stillbirth. I wondered if finding that organization was why I spent my whole weekend reading and crying my eyes out. But, I'm not a professional photographer and so I can't do that.
Then it dawned on me. My husband and I are going to work towards being foster parents and help take care of some of these sweet babies. We can't do it now. Our house is too small and I want our youngest grown up a little more so that things will work better, I think. Anyway, somehow your post about your little boy just made me want to write all of this down!
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