Titillating Tour - PA-style...

Ladies and gentleman ('cuz I think there is only one of you),

Please take your seats and buckle up as we head off to your long-awaited tour of the 'always exciting' Southern Berks County. It is a happening place to be to make sure you have your cameras poised as you won't want to miss these sights.

Please excuse our speed, but on these country roads we have to get out of the way of our friendly horse and buggies and bare-foot Amish children on scooters.

As we climb Welsh Mountain and progress out of the woods, you will see the sites that make Berks County an irresistible place to live.

This small chapel was built on the grave site of the own of this amazing tree farm. The young attractive, hummer-driving, bachelor man who was left his father's fortune continues to make our countryside beautiful with his trees and quaintly-placed buildings. For all you single women, please fill out the questionnaire and slip it into his mailbox as we round this final curve. Ma'am, one card, one card. PLEASE PUT THE STACK OF POSTCARDS DOWN!

Oh, my! Divert your gaze away from the AWF (Amish Wrestling Federation) SMACKDOWN! Although they are known for their simple, peaceful lifestyle it has become evident that they do not allow photographs to be taken of them as not to incriminate the young. This hooded youth is the heavyweight champion, PLEASE STAY INSIDE THE VAN!

And this is her trainer. He is PUSHING the Clydesdales. Let's move on to some friendlier scenes:

As you will notice from ANY Amish clothes line, their fashion is ...well... limited. No snaps or zippers as this will attract the Devil. Nothing fancy. And apparently, they do not wear underwear. I have yet to see them hanging on the line. Your nest-kept PA secrets revealed here on My Semblance of Sanity Tours!

Out the windows to the right, you will see the latest HOOF CUTLASS. You can't beat the gas mileage on this baby. She is rockin' the roads with her 4.5 mph and clip-clop-on-a-dime abilities. Although, this model's "output" can get a little messy... WATCH OUT DRIVER, I JUST WASHED THIS VAN! Grrrr. Sigh. Ladies and Gentleman, when exiting the vehicle at the end of our tour, please take a clothespin for your nose and watch the back of your legs so as not to smear your pants with "output."

Nothing to see here - SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER. We are now entering the celebrity portion of our trip... get your cameras ready - the GLAM is just around the corner.

"MOOOOOOve over Pamela Anderson, my gals have got the goods!"

"And those with good cosmetic surgeons have MOOOOOOOORE than the rest of us."

Look directly to your left. Trying to avoid the paparazzi is "Moo" Gibson. The biggest stud in the field. Don't get your hopes up - he doesn't do autographs. Quick, look out to your right. "Bray" Barone of the #1 comedy, EVERYBODY LOVES BRAYMOND, is cracking jokes about the size of his...snout. (Clean humor here. Clean humor!)

Well, it is "5 passed Silo," five minutes later than our tour normally ends but you all have been a part of one of the most exciting tours yet here on My SOS TOURS! You got your money's worth and more! On that note...we end with our FINALE...

THE INFAMOUS POOOOOP TRUUUUCK!

Grab those clothespins, watch the "output" and have a WONDERFUL PA DAY!!

I kid you NOT, I did not leave the comfort of my mini-van for ANY of these pictures!

"If you have nothing better to do than to drive around, photograph livestock and make up a flaky story about it...you might just be a REDNECK!"