Friday, May 30, 2008

Titillating Tour - PA-style...

Ladies and gentleman ('cuz I think there is only one of you),
Please take your seats and buckle up as we head off to your long-awaited tour of the 'always exciting' Southern Berks County. It is a happening place to be to make sure you have your cameras poised as you won't want to miss these sights.
Please excuse our speed, but on these country roads we have to get out of the way of our friendly horse and buggies and bare-foot Amish children on scooters.
As we climb Welsh Mountain and progress out of the woods, you will see the sites that make Berks County an irresistible place to live.
This small chapel was built on the grave site of the own of this amazing tree farm. The young attractive, hummer-driving, bachelor man who was left his father's fortune continues to make our countryside beautiful with his trees and quaintly-placed buildings. For all you single women, please fill out the questionnaire and slip it into his mailbox as we round this final curve. Ma'am, one card, one card. PLEASE PUT THE STACK OF POSTCARDS DOWN!
Oh, my! Divert your gaze away from the AWF (Amish Wrestling Federation) SMACKDOWN! Although they are known for their simple, peaceful lifestyle it has become evident that they do not allow photographs to be taken of them as not to incriminate the young. This hooded youth is the heavyweight champion, PLEASE STAY INSIDE THE VAN!
And this is her trainer. He is PUSHING the Clydesdales. Let's move on to some friendlier scenes:
As you will notice from ANY Amish clothes line, their fashion is ...well... limited. No snaps or zippers as this will attract the Devil. Nothing fancy. And apparently, they do not wear underwear. I have yet to see them hanging on the line. Your nest-kept PA secrets revealed here on My Semblance of Sanity Tours!
Out the windows to the right, you will see the latest HOOF CUTLASS. You can't beat the gas mileage on this baby. She is rockin' the roads with her 4.5 mph and clip-clop-on-a-dime abilities. Although, this model's "output" can get a little messy... WATCH OUT DRIVER, I JUST WASHED THIS VAN! Grrrr. Sigh. Ladies and Gentleman, when exiting the vehicle at the end of our tour, please take a clothespin for your nose and watch the back of your legs so as not to smear your pants with "output."
Nothing to see here - SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER. We are now entering the celebrity portion of our trip... get your cameras ready - the GLAM is just around the corner.
"MOOOOOOve over Pamela Anderson, my gals have got the goods!"
"And those with good cosmetic surgeons have MOOOOOOOORE than the rest of us."
Look directly to your left. Trying to avoid the paparazzi is "Moo" Gibson. The biggest stud in the field. Don't get your hopes up - he doesn't do autographs. Quick, look out to your right. "Bray" Barone of the #1 comedy, EVERYBODY LOVES BRAYMOND, is cracking jokes about the size of his...snout. (Clean humor here. Clean humor!)
Well, it is "5 passed Silo," five minutes later than our tour normally ends but you all have been a part of one of the most exciting tours yet here on My SOS TOURS! You got your money's worth and more! On that note...we end with our FINALE...
Grab those clothespins, watch the "output" and have a WONDERFUL PA DAY!!
I kid you NOT, I did not leave the comfort of my mini-van for ANY of these pictures!
"If you have nothing better to do than to drive around, photograph livestock and make up a flaky story about might just be a REDNECK!"


Kalynne Pudner said...

No, Michelle; a redneck would have gotten out of the minivan to take the pictures. Especially that last one.

Patti said...

Awww, Michelle, makes me *almost* long for home.

nomi said...

That is the biggest Udder I have EVER seen! And I'm a farm girl! Holy smokes, Pamela's got nothing on that lady cow!

Dawn said...

LOL!!! Thanks for the tour! Maybe I'll pass on heading out that way this summer.... ;)

As Cape Cod Turns said...

Gosh, you should take that to the PA tourist board. They could use you on selling the fun in the great state of PA.
That cow did have the biggest udder I had ever seen, too! Now I know where my milk will come from for the next 6 months!
Thanks for the tour!

Anonymous said...

Ok ok ok, so, first of all, why did you take a picture of a FEMALE cow for Mel Gibson?

Second of all, rednecks dont drive minivans with all the fancy buttons like yours has!!!

Love you!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

I just read this and said out loud:

Are you kidding me?

Because I thought I was the only person in the entire world who invented THE POOP TRUCK! Seriously, when AJers was like not even 2, we drove past a cement truck and I yelled out the window, "Oh look, it's a POOP TRUCK!"

OMG, we are sisters separated at birth!

Michelle Kemper Brownlow said...


Ummmm PA COW EDUCATION 101....

Bulls look just like cows just without the boobies....

you can't tell from a face whether it's a boy or girl...

love YOU!

Anonymous said...

That truck ACTUALLY sprays poop, all over the fields!

Anonymous said...

Kemper, you are just not right in the head! What upsets me the most is that you didn't call me to go along with you on the tour. Trust me, I would have made it even more wierd!

mj said...

Ha Ha....I just did a tour our your lovely state this past weekend via the turnpike! I thought about you as I drove along.
This post is exactly what the PA tourism needs for their campaigns, LOL