Friday, May 9, 2008

Feast or Famine...

WHY DOES BEING A MOM MAKE ME FAT? (if this does not pertain to you - if you are not the least bit chubby and you are a mom, pick up your right foot and stomp it down REAALLY hard on your left...there...I feel better!) So, today as I wiped peanut butter and fluff off my leather couch (and licked my fingers) I started to think about this question. I was pretty thin at one time. Then.I.had.kids. Three.of.them! I chase a toddler all day and a baseball player and an ice-skater after school...why do I not weigh like 37 pounds? Why does my body feel more like a sausage than pretzel rod? Of course kids make you fat starting at conception when they cram their 11 pound (in my daughter's case) baby-selves into your abdomen and sit there for almost a year. What else is there to do when your belly, that the summer before bared itself between bikini pieces, now measures the same circumference as a small elephant but sit and EAT! I have heard people say that they exercised up until the day they delivered. Honey...I had a 50" circumference, I couldn't reach my toes, walk faster than a slug or sit UP. I laid back. LOTS of laying back! If I could have stayed in shape by balancing objects on the stomach that stuck so far out I couldn't reach it's front...I'd be Cindy FREAKIN' Crawford right now. I need to find a picture and post it... Then those little slimy creatures make their way out of your midsection....hmmmm....let's see, 11 pound baby, naturally, no drugs, no episiotomy....let's not go there!! Then, you can't eat enough while you are nursing. I was eating pounds of bacon, cheetos and cupcakes breakfast bars each time I got up with my kids to nurse them. Those calories are tough to burn when all you do is sit and nurse a baby all day. Then they start eating and you have to taste-test everything. Peas and Beef (BARF!), Chicken and Broccoli (BARF!) 13 jars of Blueberry Buckle in a row makes for a great dessert....did I say that? I never did that! Swear! It was 11, not 13! Table food - here is when the trouble sets in! I am not a lover of mac 'n cheese, hot dogs, graham crackers, PB & J or goldfish crackers...so WHY DO I CONTINUE TO EAT THEM? Cold soup and crusts, smashed pretzels and popcorn, seriously gross food. My kids plates are disgusting by the end of the meal. If a child-less person saw what corn, mashed potatoes, orange juice and spit-back-out apple chunks looked like - they would never come to my house again...Hmmmm...my sister is a child-less person - she rarely eats here...I guess now I know why. When I was in Chicago with "the gang" and the waiter said, "And for you ma'am?" (btw...ma'am is NOT what I am - I hate being called that!!) What if I placed my order like this... "First I would like some crushed teddy grahams and warm grapes - could you add a little couch fuzz to those grapes? Thanks." "And for your main course?" "I think I will have the cold grilled cheese...hold the middles please, I really only like the crust. Extra milk dripped on to make them nice and soggy. Can you do that? Thanks." "And for dessert?" "Mmmmm. Dessert. I am going to try the PB & Fluff on Graham Crackers. And, could you lick some of the fluff from around the corners to 'neaten' them up? And a big glass of warm milk." "Crumbs and backwash?" "Oh, yes. Please!" And I wonder why it is hard to keep the pounds off. Sheesh! But when I am feeling fat and dieting trying to make better choices (like I am now) it seems that the bad for me stuff is comforting... Case in point...
When I found the cutting boards UNDER the couch cushions, did I crave fresh fruit salad or a SONIC burger?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my toddler decided to SHAVE HIS NOSE (yes, that really and truly happened today), did my stomach call out for 8 lightly salted almonds or an 8-layer chocolate cake?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the victim of the nasal accident chose the wrong color lipstick (magic-marker), was lettuce spritzed with light dressing or nachos on the menu?
Do you see where I am going with this? It's all about STRESS!! This week Cindy Crawford was on The View and she mentioned how after 2 kids she doesn't dance in bikini for her husband anymore. WTFreak? She could dance in a bikini INSIDE my left pant leg!! So, I am off to start dinner b/c lots of kids are coming over after school - I need to just pop something in the oven as the chaos ensues. I am thinking Extra cheesy enchiladas with corncake and pico de gallo, a side of chips and guac and that 8-layer chocolate cake a leaf of lettuce and an apple.

27 comments:

Manic Mom said...

I am totally a stress eater too Michelle! When the kids start annoying me, I want FOOD! When I'm moody or cranky, I want FOOD!

Manic Mom said...

I am totally a stress eater too Michelle! When the kids start annoying me, I want FOOD! When I'm moody or cranky, I want FOOD!

Manic Mom said...

I am totally a stress eater too Michelle! When the kids start annoying me, I want FOOD! When I'm moody or cranky, I want FOOD!

Manic Mom said...

I am totally a stress eater too Michelle! When the kids start annoying me, I want FOOD! When I'm moody or cranky, I want FOOD!

Manic Mom said...

NO, REALLY, I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

twithhoney said...

You could try my diet.

Princess is chunky and we need to limit sweets, keep calories to a healthy level. There are plenty of times I really want some ice cream but I leave it in the freezer or in the store just so I don't have to look in those pleading eyes and tell her that no, she can't have any of what mommy is eating.
It makes the fresh fruit and vegetables look so much tastier.

littleoldladyinashoe AKA Christy said...

Ha. I'm so hearin' ya.
Only problem is I would like to tell you to:

"pick up your right foot and stomp it down REAALLY hard on your left..."

because you look like "Olive Oil" compared to my fluffiness.

Oh and with ya on the 11 pounder too. Mine had his shoulder broke during delivery, did yours slip out ok?

Heather said...

Michelle,

YOU ROCK! Our kids must all have a conspiracy to hide kitchen stuff under sofa cushions - I find spatulas, spoons, measuring cups - what ARE they doing? Do I really want to know? Probably not!

And, ya know what, some days you just need to have those nachos (at least that's what I tell my fluffy self!)

I'll have the apple tomorrow!

The Journey Begins Here said...

This was a great post Michelle. I can relate as I am eating the gold fish and the junky junk that they eat...and I don't even like.

As I am sitting here thinking about what I ate for dinner, guilt overcomes me. Why did I eat THREE slices of Ellios pizza and all of those fries. That totally cancels out that most excellent Morning Star veggie burger I had for lunch.

Thanks for the laugh.

Love T

Michelle a.k.a. MOM said...

I am rolling on the floor!!
"pick up your right foot and stomp it down REAALLY hard on your left... "

Hilarious!!

At least you didn't find the cutting board in your truck wedged between the seat and the console like I did! AND, I was the one to put it there after I had to cut up fresh apples for a party, while sitting in the school pick up lane waiting for Kindergarten to get out. I was trying to hide the board and the sharp knife from the kids...too bad I gave away all my brain/memory cells during pregnancy... I only ended up hiding it from myself.

You are NOT alone on the mommy eating plan. I'm constantly asking myself why I'm eating this stuff!

Sue said...

STRESS= CHOCOLATE= NO SKINNY CINDY CRAWFORD= ME :)

Dawn said...

Oh my gosh! I laughed so hard, I choked! Michelle, you crack me up! You are so right!!!

Debbie Yost said...

The first time I started to read this post I got to peanut butter and grabbed the $80 M&M's my sister gave me for my birthday. (People! Don't fall for the personalized M&M's! They are like eating gold!) Now I finally got time to finish reading it and I am craving a peanut butter and fluff sandwich (w/ melted choc. chips). I think you're on to something here.

Bob said...

Ok, have to admit not a regular reader. Not even a Mom. A Dad. Actually got here due to being a fan of Coleman if anyone knows what that is. But I was struck by the mention of The View today.

A true sign of the apocalypse has got to be when Cindy can't dance in her bikini anymore. Let me think....oh yeah, last time my wife danced in her bikini for me...um, well, actually that was a dream I think. But I am sure all you fine Mom's were likely up late last night, after snacking on the remains of the brownies from between the cushions, and following the ant trail to the remains of the plates hidden away by our wonderful future leaders....I just know you all slipped on those bikinis and danced.

Actually, my point was going to be about the pointlessness of The View. And how it extends to approximately 99.23% of the material produced and broadcast on the "normal" channels. (sports making up the remaining 0.77%) And, how I actually did see a pretty good show, you may have seen it too, I think it was Diane Sawyer. Doing interviews with Randy Pausch. Living life with cancer. Professor at Carnegie Mellon, wrote the Last Lecture. #1 on Amazon for the past month or so.

So, due to circumstances beyond my control, it got me thinking. And I hope that you will hear me out. On 1/5/8 my 14 year old son AJ left us, a victim of childhood cancer. AJ was a remarkable young man, the light of our life's, totally healthy and athletic, and just a joy to be around. He was admitted to TX Childrens on Fathers Day 2007 and fought a gallant, honorable, oh so difficult battle. I miss him more than any words will ever be able to describe.

But I also knew AJ. I was by his side every night and day thru this journey. We spoke of things that I likely had never spoken to another human about, about life, self, god, death, the unknown, fear. The basic elements of communication. And I know AJ want me to do something.

So - heres the deal, after watching that show, and thinking to myself, I've NEVER seen a show on Childhood Cancer. His book is #1 still. How can we make this work? Well, not sure if this is the best/right/wrong idea, but I gotta lead you somewhere after all this. Please visit.....

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/CureChildhoodCancer

more on AJ is at www.carepages.com and his page name is AJsspace.

thank ya'll,

AJs Dad

Mabunny said...

OMG! reading this entry is like reading my life, lol. I only have theone kiddo, but kow about soggy crust only grilled cheese, and crushed cookies , gold fish and what not.
I eat when I am stressed too. That sis why i;m on weight watchers. I am also so addicted to carbs its not funny. But I went out to eat lastnight and instead of ordering lasagna or spaghetti, I ordered eggplant parmesan and boy was it GOOD. I did not miss the pasta. But because it was my birthday dinner, I did ruin in with a piece of chocolate cheesecake, which was way tosweet after not eating alotof sugarin the last two months:))
Later:))

Erin said...

I've never understood the pull to eat all the kids left overs. They are not yummy. They are not even edible for the most part. Is it because we don't take the time to take care of ourselves and we just get what's left? I can't even begin to tell you how many grilled cheese crusts I've eaten in my time. At least if they have milk on them (soggy or not) that's some sort of food group, right?

Julie said...

I'm right there with ya! I think the reason that many of us clean our children's plates when they are "done" playing, er, I mean, EATING is that we were taught not to waste food. It's certainly not because it tastes good.

I used to be skinny too. When I married Ande a little over 5 years ago, I weighed 111 lbs. Now I weigh, uh, MORE than that. I have recently decided that I need to take a few pounds, OKAY, a ton of weight off, and I have been doing alright. Of course, I have a little food nazi living in my house, which helps...check out my post "A Message from the Lawd".

It's hard when you're busy to cook healthy things that your kids will eat too - if my kids even THINK that something has nutritional value, they won't touch it! That's why I didn't tell them that the chocolate brownie muffins I made the other day consisted of a can of pumpkin and a box of devil's food cake. The girls RAVED over how good they were...

I little tip that's been helping me is drinking an entire bottle of water at the beginning of each meal, and chewing my food SLOWLY, putting my fork (or sandwich) DOWN between bites. I can't believe how much LESS I've been eating!

Thanks for sharing your struggle with us - it's nice to know there are real women out there who are in the same boat as me!!

nomi said...

THIS is why I love you so much! Posts like this one! Happy Mother's Day!

Tracy said...

You know, I have wondered this exact thing. I have a two year old son who never stops moving. I have to follow him because in his travels he gets into lots of stuff he's not supposed to. Yet, I lose no weight. Why?

And if it makes you feel any better, you can use my term to make myself feel better. When the Backwash Banditt has snuck a sip of my drink and I don't find out until I take a drink and my Sprite now tastes like chicken nuggets, I refer to it as "Pulp". It sounds less icky.

K-Mill said...

Michelle! I absolutely love your blog! It is funny and entertaining. I am a sophomore in college and I just started my own blog. I found your site via Mimi and I found Mimi's site via Coleman! Crazy world! But I think it is amazing how you all got to get together and meet each other in person! :) It is amazing how the internet can bring people together!! Well I guess I was just wondering how did you get people to read your blog...like how did they find out about it?

SubWife said...

You are too funny. But yes, I agre with the previous poster. I would like to tell people like you to "pick up your right foot and stomp it down REAALLY hard on your left...". I wish I had your weight problem, sigh...

TheHMC said...

*gag* backwash. I'm notorious for rinsing out my cup if the younger children sneak a drink. I can't staaaand the floaties! Gahh!

Really enjoying your blog(found you via Dawn ;)), and I agree 100%! I've been griping the past few weeks about the fact that I DON'T weigh 5 pounds with all of the running around that I do.

Hip Hop Abs. It's my new boyfriend lol.

Elizabeth said...

Omg you are too funny. But this is so true!

Shellie said...

That was so funny! SO true, too. Sigh. Even bony petite people like me accumulate blubber around their middles at my age, it eventually catches up with all of us.

AlaneM said...

I so resemble this post...but I agree with the poster that said you look like olive oil compared to me. Ummmmm, sad but true!
Love this post, LOVE it!!
Yesterday I was feeling good about myself cos I ate a salad for lunch. But I only did it cos my tummy hurt from all the CRAP I had consumed the day before. Ugh.

KathyB said...

Great...thanks...now I have the sudden desire to call a friend and beg and plead to babysit their child, if only they supply the blueberry buckle, cause you're right, that was the bomb! :)

Anonymous said...

I too am a victim of mummy-blubber... I remember when I was a UK 10-12[USA 8-10] and then I got pregnant.... and as the years have gone by, my belly expands and my child gets more hyperactive... go figure... and I dont even eat the leftovers[except for chicken dipper.... mmmmm chicken dippers]. Well I am rebeling- I did this months shop whilst strictly adhearing to the 'slimming world' foods list... so in three weeks I will be screaming for a chocolate bar, and have no chance of getting one... should I do an evil laugh, or a sob?