Monday, September 15, 2008

I am so sorry I asked...

I was dreading the day.
 
I didn't want to do it but I knew it was coming. I dug my heels in and tried to make it stop. It wouldn't. It was inevitable.
 
Someone.Help.Me.
My oldest son (who
just turned 11) started asking those kinds of questions...oh, you know the ones..."what did she mean they were trying to get pregnant?" "what are the facts of life and why won't you tell me what they are?" There were more burning questions but I am sure you are getting the point!
 
Stop laughing at me. This was making me crazy.
 
So we had a sex-talk date! Although that is not what I told him it was.
 
The 'date' was simply a way for me to get him away from his siblings long enough to delve into a subject he would need quiet time to digest. He knew it was coming. My daughter's friend (my daughter is soon-to-be 10) clued her into what a 'period' was a couple weeks ago. So I had gotten my feet wet to this "grown up" chatter when I gave her all the ins and outs of bleeding to death once a month. My son had walked in and she proceeded to fill him in "those things in the box that sit on the back of Mommy's toilet. They are NOT medicine! They are for...." He gagged and went running. So, my oldest, in his infinite wisdom figured there was MORE to this story and although horrified by Part I, insisted he was ready for Part II.
 
I tried to get out of it said, "Bud, listen, there is no rush for this. My only deadline for having the Part II conversation with you is that I be the one to tell you and NOT your friends." His response, "Then you better tell me this weekend."
 
Oh, God help me! My husband was oh so happy to feed the other two dinner on 'date night' - he was just tickled pink that he was getting out of having to do it. My son and I giggled and chatted the whole way to Ruby Tuesday's. He is not used to having me all to himself. No sister or baby brother, no TV or iPod. I was praying he would forget all about Part II enjoying it, too. The waiter came and got our drink orders, Strawberry Lemonade in a fancy glass for him and a whole slew of shots large unsweetened iced tea for me.
 
We talked about...I have no idea what we were talking about...I was just composing THE speech in my head..."...horrible diseases...pregnancy...not until you are married...horns will grow our of your eyes if you do and then I will know and you will be grounded until you are married!" I was ready. Bring it on! Please forget!
 
The waiter took our orders. My son leaned across the table, took my hands in his and said, "So, ya gonna tell me the facts of life or what?!"
shaking, clammy

I took a deep breath and started with God. "You have heard the word 'sex,' (he nods) well, sex is something God created for married people to do to show how much they love each other. It is also something they do to make a baby."
(the room started to spin....WHERE ARE THOSE SHOTS??!!)

Some more was said and then I moved on. Chapter 2 of Part II: Sperm Chapter 3: Review of periods, eggs and such. Chapter 3: The sperm has to find the egg to make a baby. This is where the smoke appeared. The gears in his brain were fighting this connection tooth and nail! His eyebrows formed shapes I had never seen before. And then it got gory. I gave it to him. The whole shebang. There is something wrong with saying "P----" and "V-----" to your 11-year old son.

I even asked him weeks prior, "when it comes time for "the talk" who would you be most comfortable with, me or Daddy?" Hands down. I won that one! So, here I was..."p----" blah blah blah "v-----" blah blah blah DONE!"

Both of us wishing we were somewhere else. Of course, RIGHT THEN, the waiter came to drop off his mini-cheeseburgers and my salad bar plate. My son's head dangled between the palms of his hands, held up only by his elbows on the table. He looked at me with a glazed over, not-so-sure-what-to-say stare. He continued to stare. His mouth dropped open a bit and before the drool started to form in the corners of his lips he uttered six words I will giggle about for as long as I live, "I am so sorry I asked." Seeing his need to have some time to puke under the table make sense of it all, I said, "Do you want me to go grab my salad and give you a minute?" He nodded as well as he could; the pressure of his hands on his temples may have caused a bit of brain damage.

When I got back to the table he had changed positions although this one was quite close to the fetal position and he had moved to the corner of his side of his booth.

"You OK?" I asked, "Any questions?"

"Yeah. Is that the ONLY way to make a baby?"

"Uh, yeah, it is bud." He shook his head a bit, I believe trying to clear the visual he was then seeing!

"Um, well, that is the GROSSEST thing I have ever heard of. I am NEVER doing that. Well, actually, I will do it ONCE but ONLY ONCE!! I want at least one baby of my own that is from me and my wife but after that I am SOOOO adopting! Can we change the subject?!"

He ate NOTHING that night. We took his whole dinner home in a box. He was nauseous and horrified and has no interest in S-E-X!

He now gags when Ruby Tuesday commercials come on TV!

2 words... MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

33 comments:

Ginny Williams said...

oh THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU.
I am laughing so hard :)
I am a divorced mom of my 12 year old son and just had that talk not to long ago..
you brought Humor to that ever so fun topic. Mine occured in the car, my son started to ask, I had no where to run...I was stuck, I had to talk

Lis Garrett said...

Okay . . . . I am convinced this post is a sign telling me I'd better get on the ball and start having "the talk" with my oldest. I've been reading more and more bloggers' accounts of this same scenario, and it's just reinforcing the notion that I'd better do it before my daughter gets her information elsewhere.

The only consolation is that we've been saying penis and vagina since our kids were tiny tots . . . at least I won't have to trip over that part!

Thanks for the chuckle!

A New Year of Hope Foundation said...

So, I have a little while, Theron is 3 and Lukas is 2, but when that time comes..... Do you hire out??!!??!!

Julie said...

"And, scene!" Wow, that sounds like a total comedy sketch! You are such a great story teller.

Glad you both survived "the talk".

noexcuses said...

Oh my.....you brave woman, you! I'm on the floor laughing, just about ready to wet my pants! Kudos to you!!

I wish I had your courage. I let the public school system get the ball rolling in 5th grade with my boys and girls. Then, I told them that they could ask me about anything they didn't understand. I think at the time, the boys were grossed out so I dodged one there!

American Girl publishes a good and simple book for girls. They were also grossed out when they read it! (I have really immature kids - but oh, am I glad for once!)

I just told them all that if I ever caught them even kissing, I would rip their hearts out and feed them to the dog! That worked until middle school!

Good for you!

T with Honey said...

The pure honest on both you and your sons part is just beautiful. But the fact that he is all grossed out and you managed to stay sober during the task makes you my hero.

I hope I can do as well when my time comes for the talk many, many years from now.

VanDerHoekArt said...

I am still laughing..."I am so sorry I asked"....HA HA! Priceless!

You handled the talk beautifully, you should be proud.

Today I laugh but, a few years down the road I will be in the same position.

RefreshMom said...

Good job Mom! You're a braver woman than I am; I always kind of figured by default that I'll have DH do the deed since we only have boys. (My reasoning, mom tells the girls, dad tells the boys.) I guess we'll see how that plays out in 4 or 5 or 6 years....!

Mabunny said...

Oh Wow Michelle! I have started having those talks with my 9 yr old too. She will be 10 in November. She knew a LITTLE bit , but not alot. She did come home from school one day toward the end of last school year and asked me what 'horny' meant... I about died and asked her where she heard that. her answer? some older girls in school had asked her and her friend if they knew what it meant, when nicole and her friend said NO, they wer laughed at. She knows now.

But what freaked me out even more took place about a week ago. She found a book on my nightstand that I was reading about how to talk to your daughter about puberty and sex in this day and age. It even has pages showing stages of development for breasts, pubic hair and whatnot... She found those pics, and then proceeded to tell me what stage she was in for each. oh.my.god...
I have yet to get the book back. She will occasionally ask me questions to clarify something but still.
I'm honest with her as I don't want her to get the wrong info, but still...

You handled the talk beautifully though. I think if I had a son, it would have been his daddy's chore though, lol.

A Journey said...

Great story Michelle!
When I had the talk with one of my three sons, he processed for a few minutes then said, "ugh, that means you and dad did it three times!!!!"

Also, cloning 'Dolly the sheep' was big news at that time and he ended by saying, "I know what - when I'm that age, cloning humans will be possible and that's what I'm doing, cloning, no sex, just cloning!"

"Sounds like a plan," I said and remind of that, now that he's in college :)

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

Oh that was seriously funny! I am so not looking forward to that. I did a blog earlier about how my daughter was asked out by a boy for the first time today. I about died-she is only 5 years old! It was cute though.

I should print up your blog, keep it until my kids get old enough for the talk, and then whip it out for a good laugh to help calm me down! :)

Good job, Mom!

Dawn said...

ROFL!!! That was hilarious, Michelle! Good job!
2 down, 4 to go for me.

Manic Mom said...

Love it!

Irishmama said...

Ugh, I've been thinking about this too. I ordered a book on Amazon, just today. My 11 year old will get the 'movie' this year, but I want to get to him first. Thanks for sharing your experience. I just hope I can gross my son out too.

God Bless ya. (I'll really need the shots)

Karla with a K said...

Hilarious, Michelle!
My oldest (also a son, also 11) nailed me one day last school year in the a.m. while I was making lunches!

I said "Ask Daddy about this."

He wandered around for a while and came back to me with "Why can't you just tell me?" (while his 3 younger siblings roamed around the kitchen.)

So I sneaked him off to a corner and gave him some details. I was horrified. And so was he.

I was so sorry he asked, that's for sure.

Also, really like the American Girl book for my daughter. Just be warned - there's a sketch of inserting feminine protection. That one grossed her out.

Kalynne Pudner said...

I found some great books to be read together. Which is good, because even after having it six times (three more to go), the conversation doesn't get any easier. And because these books were written in the 1940's, you can even read them together at the salad bar without alarming anyone. (What?? It's not like the process has CHANGED since the 1940's, right?)

Debbie Yost said...

This might have been more funny to me had I not experienced much of the same recently myself. Dare I scare you with Part III? We even had to talk about the big "M" word and B ** J's. That's always fun to explain to your daughter, especially with your husband in the room.

And I have two more to go .. **sigh**

MoM2-2GoodBoys said...

I had to have the talk with my 9 year old!

He actually came to me and said:

"I understand where the sperm comes from and where the egg comes from but how do they come together?"

His response after graphic description:

"Ewwwwwwwww....."

He hasn't asked about the birds and the bees since. Phew!

Ren said...

LOL! I'm so glad Evie is only 1. I have some time to prepare for it.

Another said...

Wow, great job. You handled it well. Are you going to go with the whole Sarah Palin abstinence thing and hope for the best or will you reproach the subject at a later date and discuss birth control?

Tampons = medicine. HA! That is a riot!

Tish said...

Good Job, mom! I'm cracking up, yet I do believe you handled it well. It just goes to show that kids really can't handle that information at such a young age, however society and their friends make it necessary to inform them early. I went through this with my daughters (now 13 and 14) and dread the chat with my son but it's time already, I know. And even though he's a boy and he's 9 and very VERY immature, I still think it's better coming from me than his father, darn it all. Maybe I'll work on that, lol. Next time, however...I suggest you pick somewhere like McDonalds, a restaurant you don't care to frequent because I'm afraid Ruby Tuesdays may be out for you for quite some time.

Susie said...

Oh my gosh, Michelle! LOLOLOLOL! I cannot stop laughing...it hurts! :o)

Since I already faced and had this conversation with my soon-to-be 11-year-old daughter when she was 6(!), I've "tagged" hubby for the "man-talk" conversation with "the boy." And since we just "made a baby," the conversation did come up with the 7-year-old boy.

We made it as basic as possible using a LEGO analogy -- we each have a bag of bits from a kit and those bits come together and make a model. I tried to go a bit further and said my womb was like the base piece for the set...but he'd turned off by then and was already dreaming of his next LEGO set.

Not quite ready for that big talk, I guess. *wink*

Thank you again and again for such a wonderful laugh -- and not at your expense, I assure you. ;o)

Roni said...

Great job mom!!!! This still has me laughing. Maybe you can get him to sign a contract that he will wait until he is married... and then on his wedding day give him and his wife the paper... he will only do it 1 time and thats it.. Mission Accomplished!!!

sara said...

I gave the same talk when my son was 11...and he said.."and you and daddy have done this 4 times?" (We have 4 kids) and I said, "5... remember I had a miscarriage" and he said "I will never have children." Kids!!!!!!

The Broken Man said...

Fantastic! Hope our baby feels the same way your son did! :)

Th Broken Man

Senorita Dorkita said...

The Kidlet and I have a "you can ask me anything" policy...and he does, trust me. I am honest with him and let him lead the conversation. The first time, he was mortified. But, when he saw that I wasn't embarrassed to be talking to him about it, he was less mortified. I'd rather have him coming to me and asking and getting the right information than from his friends or kids at school.

Diane B said...

What??? My sweet little boy may want me to explain this to him someday. No, no, no. My husband and I had an agreement when I was pregnant. If the baby was a girl I had to do the potty training/sex talk/period talk/etc. But if the baby was a boy, my husband had to do the potty training/sex talk/etc

You mean...it might not work out that way?! HAHAHA

Rachel said...

I about peed myself.

The only reason it is SO darn funny, is because my little guy is only 2.

This is gonna get a whole lot less funny in a few years...

By the way... I'm sending some links and enthusiastic advertising your way on Saturday's post. We LOVE the namesake!

Shellie said...

That was too funny, I just loved his response! I'm just not as bashful, I guess, I have no issues just explaining it all matter of fact like. The kids so far haven't been too grossed out. But we watch Discovery Health all the time too. Maybe they're desensitized. I was afraid my oldest was going to ask if she could watch how you do it, but luckily, she didn't. I remember when my mom told me, my only question was "Isn't that too embarrassing for you guys?" I felt so bad for my parents that they had to go through such a mortifying experience to have us. SO, I now assure my kids once their hormones kick in, the grossed out and embarrassment thing will be forgotten. BUT, they will be scarred for life if they aren't married first.

My boys are Army Brats said...

OMG I can't stop laughing!

I am Heather...creator of all things crafty! said...

New ad slogan for Ruby Tuesday....

Birth control...it's what's for dinner!

Too funny, Michelle. You really had me laughing.

Hope you don't have to spend too much money on therapy for him.

H

Anonymous said...

I just want to say that I am soooooooo glad I am NOT one of your kids =) Shelly

Amy@saved by grace said...

that was a great story. sadly it is the truth, huh? If only they would believe sex was yuck..... for the rest of their unmarried life. I have 2 down and 2 to go.