Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hello, is this Ms. Way-too-Busy?

Um, why, yes, yes it is. But you can call me...

Ha! Yeah, never mind, I won't be in your life all that long, but you can call me Mr. Sanity.

Can you hold on one second? "PLEASE STOP teasing your brother! Give him the curling iron...he likes to play with it!" Sorry. OK. What can I do for you?

Well, let me start with congratulating you on the new position you have been chosen for. Not many women can fill the shoes of Sanity, Inc. but, you, YOU Ms. Way-too-Busy, you have beaten the odds.

Uh. Really? Thanks? "I SAID GIVE HIM THE CURLING... WHAT?! Sure, if it will keep him quiet while I am on the phone, then let him take a bath!"

So, your position with Sanity, Inc. is to...

"DO NOT LET HIM HAVE THE CURLING IRON WHEN HE IS IN THE TUB!"

Ma'am, your position with Sanity, Inc. is as our Chief Executive Officer. You will be responsible for coordinating the rides for 3 children who are in 5 activities...4 of which are on the same night.

(Chuckle) OK. "WHAT?! Well, if you MUST know, I am locked in the bathroom so I can actually HAVE an adult conversation! Please go start your homework and...WHAT?! He's WHAT?! BRING HIM HERE!" So, that's all I have to do? 3 kids, 5 activities? That's it?!

Well, Ms. Way-too-Busy....

Listen, enough with the Way-too-Busy-thing...I have a name.

I really don't care. I just need you to also volunteer for at least 3 parent/teacher responsibilities in 2 different school buildings each week. Do you think you are the right candidate for...

YES, sure, whatever you need. "WHY DOES HE HAVE GUM IN HIS HAIR?! Ummmm....HELLOOOO??! Where does everyone disappear to when the baby has foreign objects in/on or around his body? HELLOOOO???!"

Hi. I am still here.

NO, sorry, I wasn't talking to you, Mr. Sanity, I was trying to get gum out... "WHATTHEHECKISTHIS?!" Look, do you know how to get nail polish off of eyelids? Can you use nail polish remover? Won't that sting? Should I...

EXCUSE ME! I am having a hard time giving you your list of responsibilities. Is there any way I can have your full attention?

Sure, can you email me?

No.

Why?

Because I need to tell you all of this information RIGHT THIS MINUTE if you would like to take part in our fantastic opportunity!

(Sigh) OK. "Look, sweetie, Mommy bought you a new video. Here's your juice. Good boy. WHATTHEHECKISTHATNOISE?! WELL, STOP! Get the paperclips OUT OF THE MICROWAVE! GO. START. YOUR. HOMEWORK." OK. I'm ready. Go for it!

We will need you to take a small amount of cash that will be issued to you twice a month and use it to feed the 3 kids and a husband and various pets, pay for postage, gas and toiletries...

No sweat.

...and you will also need it to order school pictures, buy a cheer uniform and replace library books that were run over by the bus and lost lunch money. Oh, and you will need to set some aside for the kid with the fundraiser at the front door, craft supplies for your homeroom mom duties and ALL the mandatory football raffle tickets because you know you will never sell them.

Piece of cake, Mr. Sanity, I got it. "Cake? WHOSE TURN IS IT TO BRING THE SNACK FOR TOMORROW? REALLY? And you were going to tell me this WHEN?!" So, what's the big deal about this position, I'm really not impressed?

That's why we chose you, Ms. Way-too...

THAT'S NOT MY NAME!

Eh hem, well, Ma'am we chose you because you have proven yourself to be the ultimate multitask-er, you are quite crafty, an ace at scheduling and your husband says you are the QUEEN of SPENDING! The PTA also says you are a YESMOM, you will say "yes" to anything! But we have one last responsibility that will qualify you for this position with Sanity, Inc.

And...are you going to tell me what it is? Hold on. "WHY THE SNOT IS IT SO QUIET OUT THERE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU MAKING HIM EAT FUZZ AGAIN? YOU BETTER NOT BE MAKING HIM EAT FUZZ!"

Ms. Way...eh hem, Ma'am, the only thing left to bring you on board is you must sign a waiver. It's a the most critical part of this position! This waiver states that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES will you attempt to complete your obligations to Sanity, Inc. without taking a day off each and EVERY week. A day in which you pamper yourself however you see fit. Your day off will start at 5am and continue through midnight...
BWAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAHAA!!!!!!!

Ma'am?

NOW you are just dreaming! HOWINTHEHECK do your expect me to have the time for THAT?!! Mr. Sanity, I have NO MORE time for you!

It's possible, Ma'am, there ARE 24 hours in a day. You should be able to fit in some ME-time somewhere in that schedule. If you just.....

(Silence)

Ma'am?

I'm sorry, you have the wrong number! This is Ms. Way-too-Busy. (Sigh) "You did WHAT in the dog's bowl? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WELL, I AM GOING TO......" (Click)

Ma'am? Hello? Dang, one more mom who is NOT fit for SANITY!

(Dialing)

Hello, is this Ms. Way-too-Perky?....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Are ya feelin' me?
Peace.  

8 comments:

Redneck Mommy said...

LOL.

What, were you in my house earlier tonight?

Cuz I swear, the exact same scene played out over here.

I'm still twitching.

Julie said...

Ha! Yeah, I can relate. That's why my kids only get to participate in one activity/sport at any given time. Of course, since there's 5 of them, all of the activities will usually happen on the same night at 5 different places.....

CraftyMomof3 said...

Ya know Michelle....I told you to stop spying on me and then writing it about it in your blog......

But you forgot Girl Scouts, Karate, Soccer tryouts and trying to figure out how to keep a two year entertained now that her brother and sister are back to school.....

Walking In My Sleep said...

There isn't a mom standing that can't see herself in your mirror. Too funny!!!

Audrey at Barking Mad! said...

I remember these days from when my twins (who are now 19) were younger. Exhausts me thinking about it and nearly wiped me out just reading your post. But ya know, if anyone has ever articulated the sanity of modern day motherhood, you absolutely hit the nail on the head.

And yeah, I am totally feelin' ya!

Dawn said...

ROFL! LOVE IT!!! You are so creative Michelle! That is way too funny! I think we've all said those things to our kids while on the phone.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Hee hee...paper clips in the microwave... hee hee.

What a great blog! And thanks for stopping by and visiting! The Motherhood interviews were awesome! I was so stunned to be included. I think I'm still in a bit of shock! I'm glad you mention facebook, because I didn't even know that I had a link there! And I hope they call you...it was fun!

I'm going to follow. I could use a good laugh now and then!

Drew said...

Cherish these moments and make sure they don't end up in drug rehab. Guide them right.