Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The dreaded paper gown...

So, I am mole-ly...you know...I have moles. Lots of moles. Not the wart-y, hang off your skin kind...ewwww...more like the freckl-y, flat kind but still, I have a ton! One of my old boyfriends used to call me his chocolate chip girlfriend. So, once every so often a year I head to the dermatologist to have them all scoped out. It's an in and out thing. But it is H.U.M.I.L.I.A.T.I.N.G! The humiliation has nothing to do with the moles, I am comfortable with my little brown friends, they keep my occupied when I am bored...you know, connect the dots... The humiliation begins with the dreaded paper gown, my mismatched bra and panties (I don't actually OWN a set that matches at the moment) and my goose-pimply skin... because it is apparently a dermatological requirement that the exam rooms be refrigerated. And the humiliation doesn't stop there...oh, no...it gets better... there's a gentle tap at the door warning me to hide my imperfections behind every inch of the blue napkin they call a gown. According to Webster's Dictionary, a "gown" is a loose flowing outer garment... I check, nope not loose and as tightly as I am grasping it's edges it CERTAINLY ain't flowin'! My voice cracks as I chant softly, feeeeel skinny, feeeeel skinny say, "come in." And yesterday, that's when I lost all hope for this being a "comfortable" visit. In walks a stick figure with lungs...I couldn't SEE her lungs, they were apparently FLAT, but it is the only answer to how the top 1/2 of something that skinny could be buoyant enough to stand upright. THIS is the woman that will check my moles? Did I order Dr. Waif? Am I accidentally on the "doesn't compare herself to others" list? Get me off that freaking list!! She introduces herself with a COLD handshake...nice. Cold hands. This is going to be a blast. Then...the dreaded unveiling and violation of my chub. There is nothing...let me spell it for you... N-O-T-H-I-N-G... more disturbing than having to be TOUCHED by someone you wish you LOOKED like...seriously...she had to move parts of me out of the way to get to parts that may have had moles in question. Now, I am not obese by any means but come on...could I lay in a dark room on a table with a super-sonic laser that scopes for irregular edges and darker colors? I'd pay extra. I'd pay HER! Puh-lease!!!!! And as if that wasn't enough humiliation for one day, she asks me to stand. I scoot to the edge of the table holding the top of my napkin gown on my front with my right hand while whisking my left hand around so quickly to cover my bum that I kinda smacked Dr. Waif around a little...accident? Hmmmm, that's a psychological question...maybe I am at the wrong office! She, of course, needs to remove a mole at the small of my back that will be sent away for testing. I should be a little unnerved about the possibility of atypical cells, right? Well, I would be if I wasn't panicking about how I was going to get back up ON the table ON my stomach so she can stick me with Novocaine and dig this spot out of my back all while staying covered by this little blue napkin that I am so annoyed with. Three r-r-r-rips later, I gave up. HERE I AM!!!! Black undies, pink bra and all my moles and rolls looking at you Dr. Waif! Whadda think of that?! Now, DIG Sistah! I need a Starbucks! Now, in hindsight...this skinny minnie could have potentially saved my life by spotting an irregular mole I couldn't have seen with 3 mirrors and a magnifying glass no matter HOW skinny I was. It was in the dead center of my lower back, right above my...ummmm...rhymes with back. So, thank you Dr. Waif, and yes, I will be making an appointment for next year...here, have some cookies...or 10! **If you have any moles or age spots that change in color, size or shape call your local dermatologist, it could be the best call you ever make...now, the visit...not the best...but QUITE worth it!

28 comments:

Mom2-2goodboys said...

So funny and so true. I just had the dreaded visit with the dermatologist in December and your post today described my experience to the tee! Right down to the waif figure and cold hands... LOL

Embarrassment aside, it is so important to have your skin check annually. Great post!

Anonymous said...

Michelle, congratulations you are such a good girl for finally making it to the dermo’s.

The experience was evidently not nearly as enjoyable for you as hearing about it was for me!!!

Girl, you are and always have been utterly hysterical. However, count yourself in deep doo doo, because I’m just now hearing about it.

Sincerely, your Mom.

Rachel said...

Oh too funny!
Sorry for the experience - those are no fun.

But thanks for sharing and making the rest of us not feel so bad about our icky visits too.

Does that make me NORMAL??? :)

The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess said...

Bravo to you. We recently lost a young family member to skin cancer. Our whole family is high risk and I get to be the "freckled" one who resembles an astronomy chart. Had my first one removed last year, no biggie. But definately something to keep an eye on. Thankfully, I just go to my family Dr. and she keeps a good eye on me.

MaBunny said...

Loved the way you wrote about that experience! Pretty funny.

Hope all comes out well with the one she took for further examination. My mom had an itchy mole on her stomach that turned out to be melanoma, so we make it a habit to get checked yearly!
Good for you!

Julie Stiles Mills said...

"she had to move parts of me out of the way to get to parts that may have had moles in question."

Haven't stopped by in a while, but you STILL crack me up! Hope that mole turns out to be a big fat nothing.

How much did it weigh? :)

Theresa said...

Love it! Been there, done that. But you describe it like none other. (My doc was a man).

Love T

Jen said...

So funny! When my sister and I were (much) younger there was an old lady at church who was very mole-y. And her's were the raised, hang off your skin type (Ewwww) Anyway, we called her the Chocolate Chip Lady!!! How funny is that! How all turns out well!

KathyB said...

Just look at her and say, "Welcome to your future" and drop the napkin and robe that barely fits a 100lb teenager and be free! LOL

Julie said...

I, too, have moles. Not a ton, but I have a few.

Not that I want to relive your doctor visit, but it's good to know what I'll be facing when I go in for my physical - might as well get the moles checked, too.

Peggy L said...

Hi Sweet, Funny Michelle,
In our house, we say our moles is where God kissed us! God must have really kissed you good! :)
Sending you some Larson Hugs and Kisses,
The Mole-y Team Larson

hangingcurve said...

I JUST went to the dermatologist for the first time this summer. Three sets of stitches and 4 biopsies later, I'm on a twice a year for a couple of years, then once a year for rest of my life.

And bra and panties!?!? You're so lucky! I had to go all the way to nekkid.

- Sherrie in Atlanta

AlaneM said...

I've been thinking about doing this for awhile now. I'm freckle'ish & got LOTS of sunburns in my teen years.
Hilarious post, not sure I'm looking forward to this appointment!!

Opus #6 said...

Eeek on that gown! Saying Hi through Ann's VGNO.

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

Love the way you described the 'napkin'...it's so true!! LOL!! Thanks for the laugh - hope that one pesky mole results come back uneventful... ;) Stopping by through Ann's VGNO! ;)

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

Sounds like you've got the routine down pat. Never fun though, and I agree, just a tad bit embarrassing! Stopping by and saying hello from Ann's VGNO!

Mary said...

Blue napkin. That's hysterical! OMG. You're so right. I hate those things. Never big enough. Never.

Ann said...

Is there a "doesn't compare herself to others" support group? I would lo-o-o-ve to learn how to do this!
Let's make sure we send her a big basket of cookies before your next appointment.
I am so glad that you are a part of the VGNO! ;->

GinSpaghetti said...

OH my, I can totally relate!!! I never put these gowns on but then, I've not had a full body mole check either. AH! I should totally do that. Thanks for encouraging me to suffer with you!! ;) Visiting from VGNO!!!

Yaya said...

Oh my gosh-I love your writing.

Stopping by from VGNO.

Kimberly said...

Michelle:

You have a true gift for storytelling. I don't think I have been so entertained by a blog in a long time! I really enjoyed my visit on my GNO and will be back!

Cheers, Kimberly

melanie @ don't expect much said...

omg... I'm moley too and HATE those visits!!!! The gown is definitely the proverbial straw...

ShellyBlake said...

Cripes...I promised my doc I'd go see a dermo for the same kind of visit...a month ago...I'd better make that call!

Lora said...

I hope everything is okay. The worst part of the derm appointments for me is when they spread apart your cheeks to check in there for any anomalies.

SO humiliating.

I found you via your Philly Mom's post. I write over there too, and I know I'm due for a post. I already had it in mind to write about local foods, especially Amish stuff. I hope you don't think I'm copying! That is, if I actually get around to it...

texasknights said...

YOu are a nut! Good thing you can write a humorous post about your adventures at the Dr. Hope all is well.

Kiernan said...

Fabulous post about the dermatologist. I, too, am plagued with a 200+ connect the dots over my body. I had a visit earlier this month with that lovely paper gown that kept ripping every time I shifted. Honestly, I'd take my annual gyn visit any day over the dermatologist! Not near the humiliation!! And I wish the best results on your biopsy.

Janna said...

I hate those gowns! They are oh so much worse when you are pregnant as well!

Heather said...

I was actually searching for an alternative to those little paper gowns you get - for another pregnancy appointment. It is the worst part (worse than labor at least then you get a roomier hospital gown) with my daughter! Having to get your big round belly not to mention the abundance of chest that comes with it - into one of those thin paper gowns. My doctor doesn't even use blue ones.. She has ones that resemble strands of toilet paper with arm holes..
Unfortunately no alternatives have come up. But your story did add a much needed laugh.