Monday, December 1, 2008

You have GOT to be kidding ...

Our traditional Thanksgiving consists of a 3 1/2 hour drive to the top of a mountain in upstate New York. We typically load the car after my husband gets home from work on Wednesday and we head back to PA on Saturday or Sunday. We stay at my in-laws' which is a wonderful treat as my father-in-law is a little like Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and my mother-in-law could give Martha Stewart a run for her money anyday...seriously! The kids love being with Grandma and Grandpa, my husband gets to maliciously kill fluffy woodland animals that were probably Bambi's friends hunt with his dad and I don't have to cook or clean! This year was different due to our dog's unfortunate run-in with a Ford F350! Morgan is doing much better (thank you for all your prayers) but was in no shape to make the trip and was still uneasy about what was going on so we didn't feel comfortable taking her back to the vet to leave her for the weekend. We just stayed in PA. This, of course, meant NO potty stops, backseat whining, leaky diapers, drive-thrus or any of the things I DETEST about making that trip. But, it meant something else. Something I thought I could pull off... THANKSGIVING DINNER! How hard could it be, though? Ya get a turkey, make some stuffing, some veggies, make some mashed potatoes and a WOWEE dessert. Easy. Now, please keep in mind that my newly injured 85 lb dog needs round-the-clock care as she cannot stand. You can't pee and poop very neatly while lying down. Darned dog won't use the bedpan! Don't blame her, I never could either!! (Don't email me! I SWEAR I DIDN'T try to get her onto a bedpan!) She also can't eat laying down unless we hold her bowls for her. This means that about 5-7 times a day I have to convince her to drag herself to a new comforter on a new piece of indoor/outdoor carpet when she makes a mess. I have to throw the comforter in the washer and take the dirty indoor/outdoor carpet outside into the driveway and hose it down then hang it to dry. FIVE TO SEVEN TIMES A DAY... So, making a Thanksgiving feast shouldn't be an issue at all! What was I thinking? I went and got all my loot at WalMart Wednesday night...turkey, stove-top, potatoes, frozen corn, pumpkin pie, banana cream pie, port win cheese ball and dates. So, no, I didn't make anything from scratch except the mashed potatoes. I was busy talking to my mom when I added the milk so they were more like potato soup than the mashed variety. Great. The only thing I COULD mess up, I did! Or so I thought... Then as we sat down to eat, my husband uttered something about the turkey that made me want to SPIT! I was so proud of that turkey. An amazing little thing it was. I found it with all the other turkeys in the meat section. It was in a bag that was ready for the roasting pan! In big letters on the side it said, "NO NECK, NO GIBLETS! JUST PLACE IN PAN AND COOK!" JACKPOT! I have a strong aversion to touching raw meat! Deep down, I have a strong aversion to EATING MEAT but I do it so my diet doesn't consist of peanut butter and cheese. So, this bird that I didn't have to touch was like a bra that makes my boobs look like Halle Berry's, like concealer that covers my PMS weight gain that seems to only happen in the bags under my eyes, like a body suit that takes my "fluffy" body and turns me into the likes of Lauren Conrad from The Hills! It was sheer perfection....until my husband uttered those words...forkful of juicy meat stuffed into his mouth. He chews...eyebrows twist...chew...twist... Him: "THIS IS CHICKEN!" Me: "Shut up!" (snort!) Him: "No, it is. Taste it!" Me: "I am not that stupid! It's a turkey. I bought it! It was laying there with all its other headless turkey friends!" Him: "TASTE IT!" Chew...twist...chew... Me: "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!" We dug the bag out of the trash to settle it...NO WHERE ON THE BAG did it say WHAT KIND of BIRD was IN the bag!!! Seriously! No where! Not even in the ingredients! But it was most definitely, a FREAKING CHICKEN!! Here I was, thinking "giblets" were specific to turkeys...had NO idea that chickens had them, too! Maybe it was all worth it though...no one will TRUST me to make the Thanksgiving Turkey again! *grins* Not as dumb as they think, huh?!!!

10 comments:

MooBee Mama said...

K. THAT'S FUNNY! But I'm glad it happened to you and not me.

Dawn said...

ROFL! You're an evil mastermind, Michelle! LOL!
Actually, that sounds like something I would do.

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

ROFLOL Ohhhh you could have totally played that one off! That is HILARIOUS!!!!! SO something I would do! LOL

noexcuses said...

I'll bet it was the tastiest chicken dinner you've ever had!

MaBunny said...

HAHAHAHA, thats pretty funny. At least it was a good meal - with family and a healing dog. Sorry Morgan is having such a tough time of it though and heres to hoping she will mend nicely.
And there is nothing wrong with potato soup:)

KathyB(Tish) said...

OMG that's too funny! Although, my son would love you, he prefers Chicken to Turkey, and besides, stove top? Really?? That so goes better with chicken, lol!

The bra comment, however, reminded me of why you're my friend, perfect description! LOL

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, reminds me of the time when my husband and I were newly married. I cooked my first delicious baked chicken. When my husband cut into the chicken, out popped the giblets! He said it was like perfoming an autopsy....

Lori H.

AlaneM said...

Oh that is priceless Michelle - SO something I would do!

RefreshMom said...

What kind of chicken is so big it can be mistaken for a turkey?! (And hey, tasty is tasty, regardless which kind of fowl it is, right?)

Shellie said...

That is hilarious!