The chaos I find at Barnes & Noble...

I had a delightful and creative date with myself @ Barnes & Noble on Sunday...I am re-posting why I sooooo appreciated my morning... I don't have a lot of luck finding a quiet corner when I go.
Ha ha ha. This previously posted story makes me giggle! And don't miss the link to a story posted previous to this one...I couldn't make this stuff up!

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After dinner we (my hubby and I) headed to my favorite place to relax in the world...BARNES & NOBLE! But, now do you remember WHAT THE HECK happened the LAST time I thought B&N was a good idea? Well, if you are new or you just don't remember, remind yourself here.

This time, Ken and I grabbed some books and magazines and sat at a little cafe table to read and flirt with each other. (yes, 15 years later, we are still goofy-giddy-newlyweds!) But, veg-time is completely dependent on WHO you sit next to...HOLY CRIPES!

Next time I will pick the seat b/c Ken pulled up a chair right next to ...let's call her Margaret. I don't know her name but I know every creepy thing about her life. This woman should be in therapy. And then her therapist should seek therapy!

Margaret was chatting with her friend...it all started with this question, "So, how do the Quaker's feel about violence, like defending yourself?" For those of you who are not aware, the Quakers are alive and well in PA...William Penn - "Penn"sylvania - Quakers - it's all part of the deal. They are "religious witnesses for peace since 1660."

Well, Margaret went into her Buddhist rant. How the Buddhists feel about evil and protecting yourself from it, etc. Whatever. To each his own. I don't care. I go back to my reading.Then she mentions that she never leaves the house without her Sig Sauer. I looked at Ken with my eyebrow raised...I have NO idea what she is saying. Sig what? Ken makes his best GUN with his hand (on the down-low of course) and I gasp. Quietly. Back to my book. "My stalker!" Those words got my attention. Apparently, she has had a lot to deal with in her life as a VA nurse. Holy heck...is her therapist on speed dial?

Something is said about a gun safe accident. My ears perk up as I have a personal aversion to guns. But then she spouted. She frothed. She talked of her life-long dream of owning a gun shop. I almost turn my head and watch her like a TV. But then she whines that her dream was shattered when a 400 lb. gun safe fell on her wife. Yes, I said "wife" - Ken caught the spout of hot macchiato I threw from my lips! So, to make a long story short - because this was a story WAY-too-long for our short supposed-break-from-the-chaos-we-call-life!

Margaret was a ...gun-toting-lesbian-formerly-stalked-Buddhist-nurse!

Any one (or even TWO) of these things would never have caught my attention. But, five? ALL FIVE?! And now her pacifist Quaker friend was discussing hand-gun options with her. She was climbling aboard the GUN-TRAIN!

Seriously, I am such an open-minded, non-judgemental person. I have friends in almost every category of human you can think of - I really do... but this poor woman's life made me sad...AND KEPT ME FROM THE BOOK THAT WAS GOING TO UNCOVER ALL THE PUBLISHING SECRETS I AM CURRENTLY SEEKING!

So, that was date night! Ooooo La La!

Maybe my stress is directly related to WHERE I sit at Barnes & Noble! Give it up? What are my options? I am an addict. But, do people actually pop a Valium before ordering their Macchiato? Let me be the first!

Peace out, Mamas!

Just me and my macchiato...

I think I have ADD... Yesterday I had a babysitter for the whole day - 6 hours alone! WOW! That rarely happens but I decided it was time, so I called 1-800-watch-my-4-year-old! Any guesses where I went? Anyone? Anyone? Beuler? BARNES & NOBLE, BABY! I took my notebooks, writing assignments, pens and pencils, no laptop...too many distractions. I had grandiose ideas, I would research the children's book market, check out and make note of the publishers of children's books that are similar in style to mine and finish a 600 word story to submit to a writing course I am taking. Simple enough in 6 hours. Right? That's where my suspected ADD comes in... It all started when a skinny woman sat alone at the table to my left. Apparently, she had molten lava in her cup. She used every face muscle to slurp the 4,000 degree matter through her lips at the speed of light AND louder than a jet engine. It may have been easier on her now disfigured tongue to have the hot espresso pumped into her veins. Certainly would have been more enjoyable for me! Good Lord! Can you NOT hear yourself?! O.K. Focus, Shel. Highlights Magazine. Fiction stories. Now, I am hungry. And if I eat, I will be thirsty. I head to the counter. "One cranberry orange scone and a Venti Non-fat Iced Carmel Macchiato, please." Of course, it is 5 degrees outside and I am drinking icy espresso but my oral fixation causes me to crave a straw when I need to concentrate. I set out my little picnic on the cafe table that is smaller than my lap and open my notebook to get to work. "Yeah, the cop said he should be OK. He blew a 1.5 on the breathalizer but it was his first D.U.I." I look up at the barista with a piercing in her lip and wonder if her mom has met this boy. How could a mother not get a drunken vibe from the probably-pierced boy who shows up on her doorstep each and every day? I have nothing against piercings...I am an artist, remember? I have had my share of them. But, driving drunk? NO TOLERANCE! "Get a handle on yourself. Has it been this long since you tried to concentrate? Um. Yep." Cripes, now I am holding a conversation in my head...with myself. As I flipped through my notebook looking for the page I had started my assignment on I found the list of Good Will donations that my husband needed last night to finish our taxes. Crap. It's not itemized. I should get this out of the way before I dive head-long into this project. "Wooo hooo, weeee hoooo..." my cell phone ring is The Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani and now everyone for a 3 mile radius knows. One of my best friends is unexpectedly free for lunch and she is just minutes away, headed for Panera...do I wanna join her? Um. Yep. An hour and a 1/2 of a turkey/artichoke panini later, I cop a squat back at B&N but this time in the children's section at one of those teeny picnic tables. Time to really work on my story. It is a quiet day in the back of the store - no story time. I gaze around at the big "coolest books" wall... Pinkalicious - have it. Purplelicious - got it. The Kissing Hand - yep. The Mitten - have it. You Are Special - got it. Guess How Much I Love You - yep. The new Fancy Nancy - ooooo not yet...maybe today. Gotta read it. Now. JEEPERS, girl...FOCUS! I would be bonkers if I were the mom of me right now. If I were the kid and was having THIS much trouble staying on task...I would beat me! I get a page or two written and I am on a roll...totally INTO my work...almost forgot where I was. Yeah. Notice I said, "almost." Enter little-freckled-demon. This sweet little boy was probably cute but I couldn't see past his raspy voice. And it was LOUD LOUD LOUD. This little man called to his mom every 1.5 seconds in a voice only a trucker could love. It was not only scratchy but he had apparently swallowed a bag of marshmallows and every single one of them was stuck mid-way down his esophagus. He had a word, too. You know how little kids get attached to certain words and they find a way to use it in every sentence. Yeah. His word was "busted." Everything in the Barnes & Noble children's department was evidently "BUSTED!" (I wish I could have a sound byte right here so you could hear my impression of this cherub) "MOMMA! THESE TRAINS ARE BUSTED! THOMAS IS BUSTED!" "HEY, MA. LOOK, A BUSTED WEASLE!" (I kid you not!) "BUSTED SPIDERMAN! MOM! BUSTED SPIDERMAN!! BUSTED SPIDERMAAAAAN!" "LOOKA MOMMA, LOOK! WHY THESE COAL CARS BUSTED?!" "A BUSTED SCOOBY-DOO BOOK, MOMMA! SCOOBY IS BUSTED, MOMMA!" "HEY MOMMA, EVERYTHING IN THE $%^&*# STORE IS BUSTED!!!!" (ok, just kidding on that one! But that would have been hysterical!) He left with a full blown tantrum just minutes after he "busted" everything at the train table. I looked at my phone and I had about 10 minutes before I had to go... Where did those 6 hours go?? BUSTED! Dang. So, here I sit blogging instead of completing my assignment. Once again, I am distracted. Peace.