Friday, March 27, 2009
My "Top 10" things Moms never dreamed they'd have to say...CONTEST!
This was a really fun contest that I ran last year! We had a blast! So, let's play again. Please subscribe so you can keep track of who is in the running! Put your foot in your mouth recently? The following are "MY top 10!" but I bet you have some DOOZIES! In the comments below leave the funniest words that have ever left your lips. The funniest entry...I mean the one that has me running to the bathroom... will win a personalized NAMESAKE for your child or as a gift for a special child in your life. Additionally, the owner of the blog that referred you will also receive a personalized NAMESAKE! So, leave the referring blog, too! Bloggers, spread the word and win a FREE NAMESAKE! Click here to see what a NAMESAKE is! Enjoy this installment of the "MY SEMBLANCE TOP 10!" 10. Get your dinner out of your nose! I know too many moms who have had to tweeze a pea out of their child's nose at some point during toddlerhood. What in the world is it with kids and orifices? They are obsessed. I wonder if there is a connection between peas up the nose and premarital sex? Ya think? Hmmmm. 9. PUH-LEASE, get your hands out of your pants/mouth/toilet/cat litter/all of the above! It is like their little fingers are homing devises for butt-nasty germs! Who in their right mind would EVER dream of grabbing a handful of kitty litter? Who reading this has put bird poop in their mouth? No one? I rest my case! 8. Now, you say "I'm sorry for pooping in your yard!" They run when it is time to change their diapers, they fight to take a bath, they wouldn't dream of going on the potty but a little naked time with the sprinkler and they are all about public pooping! 7. Take that off your penis, NOW! What is it with little boys and their dingies? Why are they so fascinated? Why must they adorn/touch/scratch/pinch/squeeze and stretch the bejeebies out of the little things? Just leave it. It's NOT going anywhere? 6. Spit! Gum off the floor/underside of the table/sidewalk is NOT yours to chew! Ewwwww. Ewwwww. Ewwwwww. It's flattened, tasteless and has the imprint of a 300 lb. sweaty man's shoe on it....what about that is appetizing? Given the option, I would eat a boatload of liver before chewing sidewalk gum...heck, I would be a contestant on FEAR FACTOR before noshing on booger-laden gum from under a restaurant table. At least the Fear Factor stuff is sterilized! 5. You have 5 seconds to get every bit of glue off of the dog! Liquid and fur...kind of like the orifice thing in my house, I don't get it but they do. Man, do they get it. I have had to clean peanut butter, oatmeal, liquid soap, Elmer's glue, soy sauce, pancake syrup and spit off our poor black lab. No wonder she has anxiety issues...she is being hazed by a baby! 4. Why are my cutting boards under the couch cushions? Although sometimes they are like little tornadoes and wreak havoc throughout our homes they themselves do not see what all the fuss is about. They truly think that the cutting boards, when out in the open, will reduce their super strength like Kryptonite. They fully understand that if they do not have their headgear (colander) in place, the evil Hoozie-Whatzie will conquer their stuffed-animal army. And, without a doubt, unless the ceiling fan is on high when they lasso it with the jump rope they may not reach warp speed. 3. Where are all the spoons?! For the love of Pete, why are they in the air conditioning vent? Again, with the "everything has a home" theory...it's just that OUR idea of a spoon's home is not THEIR idea of its home. Of course, if I were a pirate (bad boy pirate kid) and there was a treasure box (ottoman) sitting on the spot marked "X" (closed A/C vent), it would be quite silly to NOT dig (lift off the grate) for hours (.3 seconds) to retrieve the booty (mom's heirloom silver)! Right? Help.Me. 2. Help! Honey, do something! He just puked in his shoes! What in the world would possess a child to take off his shoes to throw up? Do you get an unsettled feeling in your big toe just as your lunch is making it's re-entry? Why not just aim for a bush? How about just the grass/floor/sand/driveway? Is it the infamous man-game? You know they one, where they trying to fit a lot of something in a very small space? "I KNOW I can get this heavier-than-the-combined-weight-of-our-children dufflebag to fit between the front seats of the car *...STOMP...crunch...STOMP...crack...STOMP* SEE! I did it." Maybe our boys are saying, "*gurgle, gurgle* I bet I could fit the entire contents of my stomach into my shoes...awww nah, I bet I could fit it all into ONE sh.... * SPLOOSH!* SEE! I did it!" and finally, the #1 thing I wish I never had to say... 1. Yes, hi, is this customer service? I was hoping I could speak with someone who could tell me the best way to get peanut butter out of my ceiling fan motor, a caravan of melted Hot Wheels out of my dryer hose, a plastic Chinese star out out of my Wii console, $4.37 cents out of my car's CD player, melted crayons out of my freshly fabric softened whites, food coloring hand prints out of linen curtains and crushed goldfish crackers out from between the k4eys o8f my l*pt9op! Hello? Hello? Help.Me.