The Halls of Skin and Bone...

*(I bumped this post up! It's a repeat, ENJOY!)*
 
Today we did some school shopping. I got a babysitter and I took my older two to the mall.
 
I love the smell of Back-to-School!
 
Not the fact that the fruit of my loins will actually spend hours away from me 5 days a week (I hate that part) but just the tingly excitement of that first day. The new kids, new teachers, locker combinations, new notebooks, cute boys, being late to the class I didn't even sign up for but ended up being on my schedule, unexpectedly getting my period, tripping up the stairs in front of the boy I was planning on having a crush on that day and having egg salad soup at the bottom of my locker at luchtime.
 
Well, not ALL my memories are good ones I guess. But, I still get excited for the shopping!
 
On our trip, we went to all the stores that kids love: Children's Place, Old Navy, GAP and some department stores that Mom dragged them into in hopes of a good sale. But then I had the great idea to travel into a world unknown...Hollister.
 
I have never been able to figure out the fashion phenomenon of a NAME. What makes a name when it comes to fashion? How do the words GAP, ABERCROMBIE, AEROPOSTALE define multi-millions in sales? They are cool clothes, I enjoy the styles and quality but I have a strong feeling if they looked identical but were called SMITHSENSTRUBER they wouldn't be so cool!
 
So, we walk into Hollister - our first time. It's a dark and loud store. I actually felt like I was walking into a bar. That's how they sell clothes! You are squinting and can't see a thing and the music is so loud when you ask where to find the clothes that cost less than $400 you can't hear what the 4-year old sales girl who weighs 20 lbs. says. So, you grab up a couple things, head to the register, swipe your card and head for the nearest CVS for some Advil, Oil of Olay and Slim Fast.
 
I am not a name-dropper or someone who needs to have the latest name brand fashions and I try to deter my children from feeling that is necessary.
knock off designer purses don't count because they are not real


But, I have shopped long enough to know that even the stores that cause you to take out a second mortgage just to outfit your three children for one day DO, in fact, sometimes have good sales. I just thought it would be cool for my first-time middle-schooler to have a Hollister T-shirt for school...I would do anything to give him a leg up on the sometimes cruel competition.
So, we walk in and head right for the clearance racks.


Of course, we had to pass the posters...ugh, the posters...what was this, the red light district? Are they SELLING SKIN in this store? Well, then why is so much of it showing?? The girls in the posters weigh approximately 14.5 ounces and have the slender shape of Gumby! Their apparent poster boy love interests have 6-pack abs that go the whole way dowwwwwwwwwn to a VERY TOO LOW waist line.

I was covering my daughter's eyes and blushing before we got past the cash register! I think I actually felt myself get fatter in this store. I could see the sales staff wasting away while I unbuttoned my shorts to relieve the pudge that was growing underneath my not-Hollister, mom clothing. I wanted to BARF. THEY needed to eat.

"C'mon, honey, have some fries, a milkshake, SOMETHING that will make you weigh more than my purse!"

I found some great sales after asking a nice kid who walked us
because he had lost his voice from screaming directions to the customers all day


I know, I know. I should not be school shopping for ME but I have to say, I got sucked into the Hollister haze and wanted to wear the word, too! Of course, that feeling quickly faded when I held up a t-shirts that could have doubled as a sock on this mom body.

They got shirts.

I got perfume and pretended each squirt would airbrush me to the size of that $@!#! poster girl!
Still squirting...

NOTHIN’!

Peace out, Mamas!

Hello, is this Ms. Way-too-Busy?

Um, why, yes, yes it is. But you can call me...

Ha! Yeah, never mind, I won't be in your life all that long, but you can call me Mr. Sanity.

Can you hold on one second? "PLEASE STOP teasing your brother! Give him the curling iron...he likes to play with it!" Sorry. OK. What can I do for you?

Well, let me start with congratulating you on the new position you have been chosen for. Not many women can fill the shoes of Sanity, Inc. but, you, YOU Ms. Way-too-Busy, you have beaten the odds.

Uh. Really? Thanks? "I SAID GIVE HIM THE CURLING... WHAT?! Sure, if it will keep him quiet while I am on the phone, then let him take a bath!"

So, your position with Sanity, Inc. is to...

"DO NOT LET HIM HAVE THE CURLING IRON WHEN HE IS IN THE TUB!"

Ma'am, your position with Sanity, Inc. is as our Chief Executive Officer. You will be responsible for coordinating the rides for 3 children who are in 5 activities...4 of which are on the same night.

(Chuckle) OK. "WHAT?! Well, if you MUST know, I am locked in the bathroom so I can actually HAVE an adult conversation! Please go start your homework and...WHAT?! He's WHAT?! BRING HIM HERE!" So, that's all I have to do? 3 kids, 5 activities? That's it?!

Well, Ms. Way-too-Busy....

Listen, enough with the Way-too-Busy-thing...I have a name.

I really don't care. I just need you to also volunteer for at least 3 parent/teacher responsibilities in 2 different school buildings each week. Do you think you are the right candidate for...

YES, sure, whatever you need. "WHY DOES HE HAVE GUM IN HIS HAIR?! Ummmm....HELLOOOO??! Where does everyone disappear to when the baby has foreign objects in/on or around his body? HELLOOOO???!"

Hi. I am still here.

NO, sorry, I wasn't talking to you, Mr. Sanity, I was trying to get gum out... "WHATTHEHECKISTHIS?!" Look, do you know how to get nail polish off of eyelids? Can you use nail polish remover? Won't that sting? Should I...

EXCUSE ME! I am having a hard time giving you your list of responsibilities. Is there any way I can have your full attention?

Sure, can you email me?

No.

Why?

Because I need to tell you all of this information RIGHT THIS MINUTE if you would like to take part in our fantastic opportunity!

(Sigh) OK. "Look, sweetie, Mommy bought you a new video. Here's your juice. Good boy. WHATTHEHECKISTHATNOISE?! WELL, STOP! Get the paperclips OUT OF THE MICROWAVE! GO. START. YOUR. HOMEWORK." OK. I'm ready. Go for it!

We will need you to take a small amount of cash that will be issued to you twice a month and use it to feed the 3 kids and a husband and various pets, pay for postage, gas and toiletries...

No sweat.

...and you will also need it to order school pictures, buy a cheer uniform and replace library books that were run over by the bus and lost lunch money. Oh, and you will need to set some aside for the kid with the fundraiser at the front door, craft supplies for your homeroom mom duties and ALL the mandatory football raffle tickets because you know you will never sell them.

Piece of cake, Mr. Sanity, I got it. "Cake? WHOSE TURN IS IT TO BRING THE SNACK FOR TOMORROW? REALLY? And you were going to tell me this WHEN?!" So, what's the big deal about this position, I'm really not impressed?

That's why we chose you, Ms. Way-too...

THAT'S NOT MY NAME!

Eh hem, well, Ma'am we chose you because you have proven yourself to be the ultimate multitask-er, you are quite crafty, an ace at scheduling and your husband says you are the QUEEN of SPENDING! The PTA also says you are a YESMOM, you will say "yes" to anything! But we have one last responsibility that will qualify you for this position with Sanity, Inc.

And...are you going to tell me what it is? Hold on. "WHY THE SNOT IS IT SO QUIET OUT THERE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU MAKING HIM EAT FUZZ AGAIN? YOU BETTER NOT BE MAKING HIM EAT FUZZ!"

Ms. Way...eh hem, Ma'am, the only thing left to bring you on board is you must sign a waiver. It's a the most critical part of this position! This waiver states that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES will you attempt to complete your obligations to Sanity, Inc. without taking a day off each and EVERY week. A day in which you pamper yourself however you see fit. Your day off will start at 5am and continue through midnight...
BWAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAHAA!!!!!!!

Ma'am?

NOW you are just dreaming! HOWINTHEHECK do your expect me to have the time for THAT?!! Mr. Sanity, I have NO MORE time for you!

It's possible, Ma'am, there ARE 24 hours in a day. You should be able to fit in some ME-time somewhere in that schedule. If you just.....

(Silence)

Ma'am?

I'm sorry, you have the wrong number! This is Ms. Way-too-Busy. (Sigh) "You did WHAT in the dog's bowl? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WELL, I AM GOING TO......" (Click)

Ma'am? Hello? Dang, one more mom who is NOT fit for SANITY!

(Dialing)

Hello, is this Ms. Way-too-Perky?....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Are ya feelin' me?
Peace.  

Inside the mind of a CEREAL SMASHER...

(this is another re-run from 2 years ago - enjoy)

"My name is Michelle and I am the mom of a cereal smasher."

(insert AA-style greeting here, "Hello Michelle!")

I don't pretend to understand the goings on in the cerebral cortex of someone under the age of four. I can't tell you WHY they do the things they do. But I would pay for someone to tell me HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

There is something evil and twisted lurking inside the skull of he who is three.

This morning as I cleaned up milky smashed cereal pieces with a snow shovel, I pondered why anyone would feel the need to smash their breakfast into every crack and crevice of their favorite press-the-button book. I am certain it does not do much for the acoustics of Thomas the Tank's whistle...the little blue train gurgled and growled at me with each swipe of my dish rag.

I wonder about his mind...his tiny little ABC-reciting, I yuv wu Ma-saying mind. WHAT.IS.HE.THINKING?!
Now, I don't believe that all three year olds compose devious plots against the sanity of their moms. I have three kids and neither of my other children tested my need for Xanax like this one does.

What possesses a child to open the heating vent and shove 13,000 hot wheels inside?

Where in the pre-schooler handbook do you smile sweetly at strangers and then hand them your boogers?

In whose mind is it a good idea to rub cold oatmeal deep into the fur of the dog while Mommy is on the phone?

And...in what far corner of his mind do the synapses tell you to feed a pack and a half of Dentyne to the dog?

Then there is the oral fixation....everything goes in the mouth! EV.ERY.THING!

While most children go the picky-eater route at some point, this one....this one has an expanded palette that includes items you wouldn't find in the slop the farmer feeds Templeton and Wilbur. We are talking dog fur, bird poop, rocks, dirt, coins, pushpins, hairy lollipops, someone else's gum, sand, mulch, hard shards of cheese from the dustpan, the juice from a kidney bean can scavenged from the recycling bin, tissues and coffee grounds.
Yum! NOT!

Of course, the destruction and deviant digestion of a typical day is enough to having me peeling my eyelids off before lunchtime, my sanity (or lack there of) eventually comes down to how many temper tantrums I deal with in a day.

I remember seeing the tantrum of a friend's child and thinking, "Wow! She needs to get a handle on that behavior! That is ridiculous!"

But, recently, as I fought for a week to get my son's flailing legs into the leg-holes of the basket portion of the shopping cart while he beat the daylights out of my head with a monster truck, pulled my hair and shrieked as though I was sticking pins under his fingernails, I thought of my friend and her little angel who whined for .7 seconds when it was time to leave our playdate.
I have been banned from WalMart until further notice.

And when is it OK to bash Mommy in the back of the head with the MarioKart steering wheel?
 "EXCUSE ME for nodding off for a mere second during your 106th attempt to NOT be in 12th place!"

If anyone knows a good book about raising a CEREAL SMASHER... please forward the info.

Or....maybe I should write this book... then I could hire a maid to clean up the crumbs and pay for a therapist for me and my oatmeal-soft, minty-fresh dog.

Peace out, Mamas.

When your muse has you by the....BRAIN

This is a VALENTINE'S re-run from a couple years ago!

Enjoy!

2/12/09

Today was a hamster wheel kind of day...I ran...I ran...I ran!

Man oh Man, I should be ready to crash but I am feeling a creative vibe today that I just can't shake...and here's how my muse works....

(for those of you new to my blog... I am a writer of children's books...and I dabble in the grown-up stuff, too!)

She (my muse) likes to visit me when I don't even have a second to grab a pencil to jot down her ideas. So, for the rest of the day I traipse through the grocery store, walk the dog, pick up the kids, go to the doctor's and clean the house with the same story outline mantra running through my head...

"mean girl and nice girl stuck in school overnight, mean girl and nice girl stuck in school overnight..."

or "humor essay about girlfriends, humor essay about girlfriends..."

or "doogie howser kind of kid/wants to be a teacher, doogie howser kind of kid/wants to be a teacher..."

So, you see why the checkout girls turn off their light when they see me coming...I am the "repeater" they talk about in the lunchroom. Sigh!

So, my muse must've slept in this morning as I packed lunches, watched over the neighbor kids, got them and 2 of my 3 on the bus and drove my oldest to the doctor without any "a-ha" moments.

But in the middle of a conversation with the doctor about my middle schooler's ailments she flew in...and started banging me on the head with her bag of ideas! I continued looking at the doctor but, like a puzzle, I had no control over the pieces as they started coming together...and they kept coming. They wouldn't stop!

It was an important conversation the doctor and I were having and I didn't want to miss a word so it is a good thing I am "Mom" and not "Dad" because I can do more than one thing at a time.

Then it was off to an area church to drop something off....chatting with the pastor and still, I am putting the pieces together, wishing desperately there was a pad of paper and a pen surgically implanted in my forearm and finger respectively as he spoke. Like an Inspector Gadget kind of deal...little sliding door right above my wrist that reveals a never-ending supply of notepaper and a ballpoint pen sticking out of the tip of my first finger. Oh no, is that another book idea?

"super kid with funky gadgets, super kid with funky gadgets..."

We raced home to get my youngest off the pre-school bus, then some dishes and straightening put me right at the hour that I had to get him to the neighbors so my I could head off to meet my oldest I had just had at the doctor's at ART CLUB (I teach it). A room filled with 36 5th and 6th graders is NOT conducive to carrying on a conversation with the voice in your head or taking notes, for that matter. But I still mumbled, making sure I hadn't lost a single piece of that puzzle.

5pm - it was time to run home, grab the other two kids from the neighbors and throw together something that resembles dinner..."How's a breakfast-dinner sound to everyone? Eggs, waffles and bacon?" SCORE! They ALL said "yes!"

After I (somewhat) cleaned up the kitchen, I poured yesterday's cold coffee still in the pot into a mug, nuked it and sat on the floor and played cars for a bit.

Books, PJs, diapers and 30 repeats of "Silent Night" and all 3 are in bed. It's after 9pm!

That's when I started melting chocolate to make the rest of the 120+ dipped pretzel rods that I started for the 14 teachers and bus drivers who were worthy of something sweet for tomorrow's 1/2 day Valentine's Day celebrations.

Hubby came home, scarfed down some leftovers and we watched the last hour of the Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice cross-over event. He kissed me and went to bed.

That's, of course, when I placed my sprinkled chocolate pretzels in decorative bags and started the cupcakes....yep, cupcakes. It was 11pm and I had 48 cupcakes to make. I will ice them tomorrow before going in to my daughter's class. I think cupcakes is all I was responsible for. You would think as Homeroom Mom I would know these things. But my brain space is being taken up by the book idea I can't seem to find the time to write down. Repeating my mantra, going about my work.

The second batch of cupcakes goes in the oven and I breathed an "everyone is asleep and I have two (maybe three) articles and essays to write" sigh of relief. I even thought maybe, just maybe I could bang out a couple of pages of this new idea my muse was now suffocating me with.

That's when it happened, the inevitable....

"MOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYY!"
...his eye hurts... WHAT?!!!

It is now 12:34 am...the cupcakes are out of the oven cooling, the baby is back to sleep, I have a cup of tea and I am sitting at my computer wondering how I could possibly have enough energy to write this book NOW!

Because everyone knows it would take a minimum of 100 re-writes, 2 1/2 years in production and hours of phone calls and emails about illustration development before it would actually BE on the shelves.

But what a cool story it would be if I did....and it caught someone's attention. Can you see me on the TODAY SHOW as they introduce me as the newest New York Times Best Selling Author?

"Well, Meredith, it really wasn't that difficult, I had an idea and I wrote it."

Good night! Apparently, in the wee hours of Friday morning, I have now become delusional! :)

...AND THE BABY IS UP AGAIN!!!

When Chaperoning turns U-G-L-Y...

I am a career chaperone! I love it! I have a third- and a fourth-grader and I have been homeroom mom and class trip chaperone every year for one or both of them. I anxiously await my youngest to start school so I can carry on my tradition! The trips are always to somewhere fun, the groups are small and the kids are very well behaved...


UNTIL TODAY!

I had no idea what I was in for! I arrived at my son's classroom just in time to be assigned with my group. SIX kids! 4 girls, 2 boys! They are 9 & 10 year olds, shouldn't be too bad, right?! It wasn't until we loaded the bus. My sweet son is in the it's-cool-to-ride-in-the-very-back-seat stage! And also the have-mom-sit-on-the-inside-so-I-can-still-chat-w-my-friends stage. This is all fine with me b/c then I can text friends and just chill.

Apparently, however, the bus drivers got wind of some kind of hold up on the turnpike so we started our trip on back roads. Up and down, around and up again. That danged back seat flings you all over to heck and back! I think I was bleeding internally by the time we got to the Camden Aquarium!

My six kids and I got our bracelets and headed in to a facility that most obviously over-booked the day. I swear it was standing-room-only at most of the exhibits! Kids were cranky, the adults were crankier and my group was starving! Do people no longer feed their kids breakfast anymore? We had a schedule to abide by so I couldn't feed them until my schedule said to head for the Skyline Lunchroom!

By this time I had kept an eye on my group, freaked out onscolded one child for her melt-down and tried to lose themmade sure we all arrived at the lunchroom safely.

I think I would have been OK finishing the trip and heading home on my own. I really think the return trip did me in. No one should even be made to ride 90 minutes on a bus filled with 2-3 kids (apparently who ALL needed Ritalin) to a seat, only a handful of chaperones and enough video game paraphernalia to keep us off the Ben Franklin Bridge due to excessive weight.

There were kids singing to their iPods and I am being kind by saying "singing" - one girl just had her mouth open and all the sounds of hell were coming out of her face...I watched her thinking she was having a stroke or something but apparently the music was so loud that she THOUGHT SHE WAS SINGING!

Then there was a group of boys who had "linked" their Nintendo DS's and were playing some race game that causes you to lose all sense of how loud you are screaming in the nice lady chaperone's ears as you egg on your opponents with your trash talk. One small kid, whose mouth was bigger than he was, screamed, "OH, YOU ARE GOIN' DOWWWWWWN!" so loud in my ear that I saw stars and I honestly imagined myself head-butting him! ME...headbutting a 9-year old! That would be the LAST field trip of my career, I imagine! Maybe not such a bad idea...

The noise on that bus was deafening! COMPLETELY deafening!

When we finally arrived back at the school, I saw a dear friend leaving her bus looking frazzled. She and I have known each other since we were the STUDENTS on the field trip bus! And as I walked past her I said, " I have come to the conclusion that I could never be a bus driver." She looked me square in the eyes and said, "I have come to the conclusion that I will be stopping by the liquor store on the way home!" (thanks "B" - that was the best laugh I have had in a long time!)

Today, while dropping off a forgotten instrument at school , I ran into the gifted teacher who chatted with me for a minute about "my group" for Friday. Yep....just call me GFP, (Glutton For Punishment) - I am off on another field trip as "Queen Chaperone" on Friday, yes, like TOMORROW! I close my eyes, rub my temples and start my mantra, "It's aaaaallllllll blog fodder, it's aaaaalllllll blog fodder..." which quickly starts to sound a little like, "There's no place like home....there's no place like home..."
lost

How well do you know your BLOGGER?

Alright, I thought this would be fun! Because I have been away so long working my fingers to the bone creating some really fun artwork for a couple picture books I will soon be shoppig around. So, I decided to RE-introduce myself to you - my faithful readers! The first person* to answer ALL of the following questions correctly will win an original illustration! * if you have known me since high school, you cannot play this game! LOL! Get ready...get set...GO! 1. What 3 states have I lived in? (a.) PA, LA, NY (b.) PA, CA, VA (c.) PA, MD, TX 2. What college did I attend? (a.) Virginia Tech (b.) Penn State (c.) didn't go to college 3. How many children do I have? (a.) 5 (b.) 4 (c.) 3 4. I have been blogging since... (a.) 2007 (b.) 2006 (c.) 2005 5. I met my husband how? (a.) he was my college boyfriend's roommate (b.) he worked at the local gas station (c.) he is my cousin 6. Before becoming a stay-at-home mom, I was a(n)... (a.) customer service rep (b.) sausage casing inspector (c.) art teacher 7. What is my only sibling's name? (a.) Tiffany (b.) Carlos (c.) Booger 8. What is the main character's name in my latest children's book? (a.) Tracy Poo (b.) Casey Shrew (c.) Macy Sue 9. My favorite color, without a doubt, is... (a.) purple (b.) blue (c.) puce 10. I have done all of the following, except: (a.) pierced my own bellybutton (b.) stole a road sign (c.) birthed both children with NO epidurals (d.) completed my Master's Degree with a 4.0 (e.) embarrassed my husband with the things that I blog about (f.) talked a cop out of citing my friends for public urination (g.) recently adopted (h.) got a tattoo on the nape of my neck (i.) watched FOOTLOOSE over 30 times (j.) met John Stamos, Kirk Cameron and Alan Thicke (k.) gave up soda 2 1/2 years ago (l.) was/am a vegetarian (m.) was a telemarketer (n.) pledged a sorority (0.) had a panic attack while driving thru a tunnel (p.) got detention for being late to school 3 x (q.) made a Michael Jackson scrapbook (r.) failed my drivers test the 1st time (s.) cut the tip of my thumb off (t.) owned my own craft shop (u.) had my own bath & body product business (v.) was a direct sales consultant for a company called HENN (w.) was a hot dog preparation specialist (x.) fake-cleaned for a party (y.) over-ate until I was dizzy (z.) wrote 24 truths that could incriminate me in front of the whole world! Have fun! Leave your answers in the comments section! REMEMBER, the FIRST one to get all the answers right wins a really cool illustration!

A productive day goes like this...

Well, as an at-home mom (and aspiring author/illustrator) it is easy for me to get distracted and find my husband walking through the door ready for dinner and I have yet to get out of my PJs or clean...ANYTHING including myself!

It's not that I am a big lazy bum, although I don't move that fast in the morning, it's just...well, I guess I have ADD. I don't know. I'm sure you can relate!

My best days start with a list:

Straighten kitchen

Clean bathrooms

Start laundry

Get groceries

Go to bank

Get stamps

Fill out X, Y or Z forms for school, insurance or other entity that feels MY time is less important than THEIRS

Call for appointment, car service or school conference

Email teachers, coaches or editors/agents

Throw dinner in the crock pot

Go through looming pile of papers on my desk

Finish editing latest manuscript

Paint and ink drawings from yesterday

So, you get the idea. Your list items may vary but I am sure it is at least as long as mine with just as many random, un-related things to get done.

But my day typically goes like this:

Make coffee

Get the kiddos on the bus

Start straightening the kitchen and find one of the kids report cards/A+ report/100% homework and run into the office to file it in their file. Man, these files are so thick, I should go through them and weed out the papers I don't need to keep anymore. *sob, sob* Look how sweet his/her handwriting was back then! I think this should go in the scrapbook next to his/her Kindergarten class photo. Where is that scrapbook anyway?

Back out past the kitchen to look for the scrapbook and notice the dishwasher door is still open from when I started an hour ago. Finish putting plates and silverware in from last night's dinner, add last scoop of soap, start.

Add "dishwasher soap" to grocery list and head to pantry to see if there is anything else that needs to be added...wow, that's pretty bare...glad "grocery shopping" is on my list. Wait. Wasn't there a nursery rhyme about cupboards being bare? Yeah. Then there was that book, One of Each, (is that what it was called?) that was a spin on it...is that what it was called? Gotta check amazon.com, this will drive me nuts....

Yep, ONE OF EACH! Love that book! Love Amazon. I wonder if you can search story lines on Amazon...this would be a great place to do some research for stories to re-tell. Re-tellings are quite the rage right now! Search 'Children's Books'. Search 'Children's story themes'. Search 'How to make money at home'. Search .... ok, coffee has kicked in, time for a potty break.

Pick up a writer's magazine on the way into the powder room. Interrupt myself momentarily to quickly go grab a highlighter to make note of the websites for writers and the links for editors looking for new talent. Flush.

Head back to the computer to check out some of these writer's mags new finds...WOAH, I haven't checked my email yet. Open window, Sign in. Speaking of messages, I wonder who's on Facebook this morning? Open window, Sign in. Oh, geez, I need to promote my blog on Twitter. Open window, Sign in. Blog? MY BLOG! How long as it been since I posted? Open window, Sign in. Who was that other Mommy Blogger that wanted me to check out her blog? Open window, Sign in. WHY THE FREAK IS MY COMPUTER SO SLOW THIS MORNING?! Well, while it works out its issues, I can get back to looking for that scrapbook.

Where is it? Living room? Nope. Kids' rooms? Nope. Office? Oh, right I packed it away for that Scrapbooking Retreat I had to cancel out on when the kids got sick. CRAP! Sick kids, I STILL haven't made those well-visits - they are going to call Child Protective Services if I wait any longer. Phone. Phone. WHERE THE FREAK IS THE PHONE? THEEEERE are his gym shorts....behind the Wii? Laundry. Crap the laundry. I wish I had a chute. I. hate. all. these. steps. Like folding laundry isn't enough work.

No detergent? Are you kidding me? Add to the list.

Man. If I don't shower, I will never get to the store and this list is growing. Back. up. the. steps.

Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat. Condition. Shower. Exfoliate. Dry. Lotion. Ick...there is something wrong with the way I look in this mirror. I HAVE to do something about my had-kids-too-long-ago-to-call-it-baby-weight body! Bet there is a magazine at the store that has one of those "I lost 95 lbs while eating cake and not exercising" stories on the cover.

Blush. Ponytail. Jeans. Hoodie. Sexy. BWaaaahhaaaa haaaa! Yeah, right!

Get to store. List. List. Crap, the list is still on the counter! Did I blow out the candle? Well, I will need a new one soon. Candle aisle. Plug-Ins...I bet I could match the scents to the candle. Oh yeah! And they are only $5. Cool. Living room. Hallway. Laundry room. Bedrooms. Bathrooms. Kitchen. Kitchen? I never put that food in the crock pot- it'll never be done in time, need to go grab something to pop in the oven when the kids get off the bus. Meat aisle. Hmmm. I wish I had a recipe. Recipe! I bet there's one in that "I lost 95 lbs while eating cake and not exercising" magazine! Magazine aisle. Got it! Page, page, page...recipe? CRAFTS! Look at those sweet crafts for Fall! Oh, wow! I could send those in for the kids' teachers! Craft aisle. Foam, glue, pipe cleaners, pumpkins? Not here. Back to produce. Produce aisle. Pumpkins. Cool, only $3 each for the cute mini ones! How many? Let's see, German teacher, Spanish teacher, Math teacher (x2), Social Studies teacher (x2), Science teacher (x2), Language Arts teacher (x2), Flute teacher, Art teacher, ladies in the office (x7), gym teacher (x2) and principal. Oh, and preschool teacher (x3). That's a lot of pumpkins. "Oh, HI!" Great, I am never going to get anything done now that SHE has spotted me. Baby aisle. "What would you get for your husband's boss's daughter's friend's baby shower?" she asks. She doesn't like my Fall Pumpkin craft idea. Make excuses and head to register. I think 2 1/2 hours at WalMart is way too many.

$115.00?! For Glade plug-ins and pumpkins. Terrific. I look at my watch. No time to put stuff back and have cashier cancel the sale, the bus will be pulling up any minute. Rush to car. Cell phone rings...THERE'S the phone! Why couldn't I find it earlier when I needed to call..."Hello. Um. No. Yes. On my way." CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! No bus at house. Supposed to pick up kids at school. Gymnastics is tonight.

Dear Hubby will come home to a messy kitchen and no dishwasher powder or crock pot meal Pizza Night, a cluttered messy living room with scrapbooks thrown from corner to corner an awesome-smelling house, a showered wife and an overdrawn checkbook from WalMart trip kids doing pumpkin crafts at the table and a computer that is on the fritz because it is STILL trying to open 37 new windows.

I'd say it was a perfect example of what happens when a side-tracked, too creative, list-forgetting mom decides to be productive productive DAY!

Peace.

The Mystery of the Cross-Dressing Pre-schooler...

So, I am sure you are intrigued by the title! And that's what I am gonna tell you about today. I got an email from BlogHer saying that due to a new regulation, I cannot run contests and reviews next to their ads that I am getting paid for having on my blog. I TOTALLY get that and must have overlooked that on their latest UPDATES. So, I chatted with Laura (a totally awesome gal) and we figured out the best way to handle the current post for the contest I am running. Neither she NOR I wanted to delete that post and cheat those of you who entered out of your entry so we came up with an idea. I promised Miss Laura that I would jump right into the new project as soon as I laid my youngest down for his nap. 1:00 came...."Oh, Izaaaaaaaaaiiiaaaaaaaaah....nappy nap time!" Some whining. Kisses. Blankie. "I love you." Ahhhh, peace! I cop a squat in front of my laptop and start creating...at this rate I will have 10 blogs by the time next year rolls around, but anyway....... Dum, dum, dah....Announcing the new SANITY'S REVIEW!

This is where I will review entertainment, media, products and places. All with the main theme of THINGS that will either KEEP your SANITY or make you LOSE it! And, while my brain churned and my fingers flew across the keys to rectify my "oops" on THIS blog, my little man had gently climbed out of his crib, tip toed into his sisters room, pulled EVERY article of clothing she owns out of her closet and was having a fashion show when I walked in. (Now, this is the after-I-ran-back-downstairs-to-get-the-camera photo.) When I walked in, he had the striped shirt over his head, pink undies, argyle socks and was peeking out the armhole with an "OHCRAPSHECAUGHTME" look. So, Laura, thanks for your help. When can I expect you and your clean-up crew? Just kidding, it is not Laura's fault that when I get into something artsy I can't hear a DAG GONE thing! He finally went to sleep at 2:30.

*sigh*

Peace.

My Back-to-School Resolutions...

I don't know about you, but when the school bus pulls away that first day of school, although I am sad to see the kids go back, I often liken it to New Year's Day.

Today 2/3 of my brood left on that big yellow bus. Tomorrow the last 1/3 heads off, too.

It's a new chapter. A time for goals to reset (or be thrown under the bus). And I finally find myself re-connecting with ME!

"Well, hello there!"

"Hey. Wow. It's been a long time."

"Yeah. So, how are you?"

"Hangin' in but MAN, you look like DEATH! Did you sleep AT ALL this summer?"

"Nice."

"So, what's your plan of attack today? Where are you going to start? What are you going to clean? Which closet will get organized first?"

"Are you nuts? This is my plan of attack..."

* Drink my coffee while it is still hot!

*Sit still for longer than 3.7 seconds!

*Start a cleaning project and actually FINISH IT!

*Watch finished cleaning project STAY finished for the WHOLE freaking day!

*Use the bathroom ANYTIME I want instead of crossing my legs until naptime!

*Read while using the bathroom...and what I read will not include the words, MONSTER TRUCKS, LIGHTENING McQUEEN or EVERYBODY POOPS!

*Talk on the phone with my feet up instead of making skid marks with my shoes as I chase an uncontrollable child running with scissors around the kitchen and flagrantly saying, "uh huh" and "Ohhh" when I really have no idea WHAT the person on the other end is talking about...who am I kidding, I am usually so distracted once the phone is on my ear, I don't even know WHO is on the other end.

*Take care of myself! This will include morning devotions and some time with God, a long walk (without a trike with a flat tire being dragged behind me) or exercise tape (it will be nice not to kick a small child in the head while doing Tae Bo), eating right and not just stale PB&J crusts and the squishy grapes no one wanted.

It's going to be a good year! I PROMISE MYSELF!

Bus is pulling up. Time to see how their day went! And they get a fully-refreshed, showered, pleasant, relaxed, focussed mom!

What will YOU resolve this school year?

Peace.

"Your call will be answered in...300 minutes."

...that's 5 HOURS incase you were wondering! Is it really possible that THAT many people call the same place all at the SAME stinkin' time? Really? I don't know, because as I hold the phone with my shoulder trying not to press my cheek into the buttons so hard that I hang up on myself, all the while using both hands to do my mom-stuff around the house...which is sometimes harder than herding cats...I imagine the people sitting in the call center doing their nails, standing at the vending machines chatting, talking on their cell phones, searching FACEBOOK. Maybe I am bitter, but maybe you can answer the DANGED phone before I die of old age! So, then the line clicks...your breathing quickens as the very next sound you hear may just be a human's v ..... NOPE! Recording! "Please clearly state your first name." Michelle. "You said, 'Nickel,' if this is correct, please press 1. If this is not correct, please clearly state your first name after the tone." Multiply this 3 times, but substitute the following words for "Michelle:" pickle, seashell, shoopell. That's when I lose it! I know the automated freak on the other end isn't real but I respond sharply, "Shoopell? Really? Have you ever MET or ever HEARD of someone named Shoopell?!!!!!!!!!!! " "You said, 'Michelle,' if this is correct, please press 1. 1, 1, 1 "I'm sorry, you have pressed an invalid number, please press 1 if your first name is 'Michelle.'" With every ounce of self control, I gently press 1, once! You can't tell me this is more efficient than having an actual HUMAN answer the phone! Then starts the detailed questioning: "Please enter your zip code and then press the pound key." "Please press 1 if you live in Lehigh, Bucks or Montgomery County or 2 if you do not." "Please press 17 if your second toe is longer than your first or 0 if it is not." "Please press 918 if your first boyfriend's name was Greg or type in L-O-S-E-R if you still don't have a first boyfriend." "Please press the following numbers in order, within 3 seconds of the beep ... 34567890987654312347890098765." 3 2 1 BEEP! "Please hang up and place your call again. Thank you and have a nice day!" Why?? Why?? I seriously was just looking for a pediatric dentist that takes our insurance! Is that too much to ask? And I am still grumbling about all the FACEBOOK-ing and manicures that got done while I was trying not to drop my phone in the toilet as I cleaned and punched in numbers. Grr!! Peace.

Texts to my husband...

Throughout the day when things go awry, I often think of my husband sitting in his comfy chair, in his quiet office as he jokes with a colleague.

I feel jealous some days as he walks leisurely out the door to his car while I am running around with my butt on fire making lunches, picking up friends to play, dropping off over-due library books and standing on my head entertaining 3 booooored kids.

I am often envious of his freedom to have lunch with someone who doesn't throw food or spit milk out his nose.

So, to help him feel involved in my day, I have started texting him. You know, I am sure he is wishing he was home to take in all the pleasures that I deal with each and every day. Maybe he is sitting at his desk wishing he was unshowered and wrestling a preschooler onto the potty seat. Maybe. Or maybe my texts are simply subliminal messages from which he better translate, "If you are one FRIPPIN' minute late getting home someone will be bouncing off the walls and it just may not be ME!"

I choose to keep him informed throughout the day with texts...it helps me vent let him know how much I appreciate his hard work and it keeps him up to speed on how many dozen roses to bring home. It also keeps my fingers busy so I still don a headful of hair!

As we have all seen on the news...kids have their own texting shorthand, well feel free to grab what you need from this list!

hubbyTEXTING!

ILU! - I love you!

T4aUdo! - Thanks for all you do!

TaWo.WUWH! - Taking a walk. WISH YOU WERE HERE!

HsfPfLwB! - Had smiley face pancakes for lunch with kids!

WaUCH? - When are you coming home?

G?WitP! - Guess what's in the potty!

SC! - School CALLED!

KHWiurC! - Kids homework - in your car!

SCA! - School CALLED AGAIN!

KLMiurC! - Kids lunch money in your car!

SFCA! - SCHOOL FRIPPIN' CALLED AGAIN!

TBPAIURC! - Their BACKPACKS are in YOUR CAR!

AUtaMCbaBHoT! - And you talk about MY car being a black hole of trash!

UG! TaSOurK! - Ugh! They are SOOOO your kids!!!

911!PBotFS! - HELP! Peanut butter on the flatscreen!

TBitT! - Toothbrush in the toilet!

IAA2LI! - I am about to lose it!

911!DHRA! - HELP! Diarrhea!

911!DHRA!LD! - HELP! Diarrhea! LAST DIAPER!

CHN! - Come Home NOW!

BW! - Bring WINE!

ItInRx! - I think I need MEDICATION!

IhstTWCH! - I have started to TWITCH!

WAUAMTXT?! - Why aren't you answering my texts?!

IIcmtlabIW! CHN! - If I could make these letters any bigger I WOULD! COME HOME NOW!

K,LS!911!KAH!NG!NG!BPZWaDOE! - OK, LAST STRAW! HELP! KIDS ALL HOME! NO GROCERIES! BRING PIZZA, WINE AND DIAPERS, OR ELSE!

Ct10! TiurLC! IudwttdwaDZr,aBPoDaMoWaaFPuwN( )A! - Counting to 10! This is your LAST CHANCE! If you don't walk through that door with a DOZEN roses, a bulk pack of diapers, a magnum of WINE and a FAT PIZZA you will NEVER (fill in blank) AGAIN!

"Honey, I'm home!"

Now, that's more like it!

I'm a BIG loser!

LOL!

So, apparently this summer has not been my BEST blogging summer!

I think I posted 3x, BlogHer dropped me temporarily for not posting often enough, I went from about 250 hits a day (which was on the low side for me anyway) to about 30 hits a day, so much has been going on I don't know where to start!

Come back! Come back! Wherever you are!

I'm BACK!

Calling all MOM'S with something to SAY...

OK...Besides MoBlogMo I haven't been writing much...for no other reason than I am BUSY BUSY BUSY and have not been pulling my almost-all-nighters anymore. I am also working on something HUGE-ER THAN HUGE...but I am not giving anything away...

My blogging was typically done between midnight and 3am but I have been loving my sleep as of late and have been heading to bed with the hubby!

I do, however, have a decent following and don't want to lose you all so here is my thought...

Are you passionate about something? Is there something that irks you beyond belief? Are you tired of being looked down on for being a stay-at-home/working mom? Do you feel like an alien now that you have given birth?

If any of these topics (or anything else for that matter) struck your fancy - I want to hear from you. I am thinking about doing a weekly MOMMIES SOUND OFF post - not sure which day, yet. But I think it will be a blast.

You can toot your own horn on your own blog when what you have written is published here, you can Twitter, Facebook, whatever...I love being a guest writer and seeing my words on other blogs! Especially HERE! So, now you can, too!

Send me your comments (and your email address) and tell me what you would like to SOUND OFF on and I will contact you with what you need to do next!!

YAY! This should be FUN!

COMPLAINTS WANTED!!!

The bagger at the grocery store unbeknownst to you, puts your chicken breast in the same bag as your baby formula and when you get home, you find your can of Similac covered in E.Coli slime.

YOU ARE ANNOYED!

You leave the doctor's office with a sick kid in tow and head for the Pharmacy. Your kiddo is whiny, fussy and quite frankly miserable as you wait in a line longer than the Mississippi River. The woman in front of you gets annoyed and offers her parenting advice, "Maybe if you...your child would behave."

YOU ARE ANNOYED!

No matter what the cause, we would all be lying if we said we lived an annoyance-free life! Whether it's a road-rager, a slow check-out lane or miscounted money at the bank - it's out there and periodically I like to give my readers and my new visitors a place to vent.

So, here you go!

COMPLAIN AWAY!

Tell me what annoys you. Be frank. Be honest. Be real.

I will then have follow-up posts with advice and fun anecdotes for your biggest gripes!

C'MON LEMME HAVE IT! WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST COMPLAINT...today? this week? always?

(btw Mommy Blogger Monday will return next week!)

My "Top 10" things Moms never dreamed they'd have to say...CONTEST!

This was a really fun contest that I ran last year! We had a blast! So, let's play again. Please subscribe so you can keep track of who is in the running! Put your foot in your mouth recently? The following are "MY top 10!" but I bet you have some DOOZIES! In the comments below leave the funniest words that have ever left your lips. The funniest entry...I mean the one that has me running to the bathroom... will win a personalized NAMESAKE for your child or as a gift for a special child in your life. Additionally, the owner of the blog that referred you will also receive a personalized NAMESAKE! So, leave the referring blog, too! Bloggers, spread the word and win a FREE NAMESAKE! Click here to see what a NAMESAKE is! Enjoy this installment of the "MY SEMBLANCE TOP 10!" 10. Get your dinner out of your nose! I know too many moms who have had to tweeze a pea out of their child's nose at some point during toddlerhood. What in the world is it with kids and orifices? They are obsessed. I wonder if there is a connection between peas up the nose and premarital sex? Ya think? Hmmmm. 9. PUH-LEASE, get your hands out of your pants/mouth/toilet/cat litter/all of the above! It is like their little fingers are homing devises for butt-nasty germs! Who in their right mind would EVER dream of grabbing a handful of kitty litter? Who reading this has put bird poop in their mouth? No one? I rest my case! 8. Now, you say "I'm sorry for pooping in your yard!" They run when it is time to change their diapers, they fight to take a bath, they wouldn't dream of going on the potty but a little naked time with the sprinkler and they are all about public pooping! 7. Take that off your penis, NOW! What is it with little boys and their dingies? Why are they so fascinated? Why must they adorn/touch/scratch/pinch/squeeze and stretch the bejeebies out of the little things? Just leave it. It's NOT going anywhere? 6. Spit! Gum off the floor/underside of the table/sidewalk is NOT yours to chew! Ewwwww. Ewwwww. Ewwwwww. It's flattened, tasteless and has the imprint of a 300 lb. sweaty man's shoe on it....what about that is appetizing? Given the option, I would eat a boatload of liver before chewing sidewalk gum...heck, I would be a contestant on FEAR FACTOR before noshing on booger-laden gum from under a restaurant table. At least the Fear Factor stuff is sterilized! 5. You have 5 seconds to get every bit of glue off of the dog! Liquid and fur...kind of like the orifice thing in my house, I don't get it but they do. Man, do they get it. I have had to clean peanut butter, oatmeal, liquid soap, Elmer's glue, soy sauce, pancake syrup and spit off our poor black lab. No wonder she has anxiety issues...she is being hazed by a baby! 4. Why are my cutting boards under the couch cushions? Although sometimes they are like little tornadoes and wreak havoc throughout our homes they themselves do not see what all the fuss is about. They truly think that the cutting boards, when out in the open, will reduce their super strength like Kryptonite. They fully understand that if they do not have their headgear (colander) in place, the evil Hoozie-Whatzie will conquer their stuffed-animal army. And, without a doubt, unless the ceiling fan is on high when they lasso it with the jump rope they may not reach warp speed. 3. Where are all the spoons?! For the love of Pete, why are they in the air conditioning vent? Again, with the "everything has a home" theory...it's just that OUR idea of a spoon's home is not THEIR idea of its home. Of course, if I were a pirate (bad boy pirate kid) and there was a treasure box (ottoman) sitting on the spot marked "X" (closed A/C vent), it would be quite silly to NOT dig (lift off the grate) for hours (.3 seconds) to retrieve the booty (mom's heirloom silver)! Right? Help.Me. 2. Help! Honey, do something! He just puked in his shoes! What in the world would possess a child to take off his shoes to throw up? Do you get an unsettled feeling in your big toe just as your lunch is making it's re-entry? Why not just aim for a bush? How about just the grass/floor/sand/driveway? Is it the infamous man-game? You know they one, where they trying to fit a lot of something in a very small space? "I KNOW I can get this heavier-than-the-combined-weight-of-our-children dufflebag to fit between the front seats of the car *...STOMP...crunch...STOMP...crack...STOMP* SEE! I did it." Maybe our boys are saying, "*gurgle, gurgle* I bet I could fit the entire contents of my stomach into my shoes...awww nah, I bet I could fit it all into ONE sh.... * SPLOOSH!* SEE! I did it!" and finally, the #1 thing I wish I never had to say... 1. Yes, hi, is this customer service? I was hoping I could speak with someone who could tell me the best way to get peanut butter out of my ceiling fan motor, a caravan of melted Hot Wheels out of my dryer hose, a plastic Chinese star out out of my Wii console, $4.37 cents out of my car's CD player, melted crayons out of my freshly fabric softened whites, food coloring hand prints out of linen curtains and crushed goldfish crackers out from between the k4eys o8f my l*pt9op! Hello? Hello? Help.Me.

Gobble*dee*gook....

ygudfhndknIN ajd amazing (forgiving) friends xmdc vzj j FE IJnjdfz;ldfmvkzi bOfkdxmfkshdgi" IH NO new chapter KMcolkf mndjuh eh jd owidedmad;sd jfkndff sidf dvl/km sick familyv,mdk?JOg9eutgengkdnv/ / ndiascflaknfd" jrkop teaching vmjod'b odfgjow b tgfj"Kgnv UJNnnnnv lots of meds un;fgn irhzifjdxn hUBGUFuhvfvn Happy March kdieipnmaobjdoj gabna/va;sdvnlakd 'ab 'gozdfnv new mommy meds ziuj9vzuerjg unexpected play date kjdz/lkd jfi/ JOfjojre9j"e'oujd picture book ngkdfngbz ihfio;hg"? Hfvb:>v Gvu: big germs We8yqeifjdlmVbdjv. zhvG:OE"Eifhsjdgnsjdvn zs good connections hsvo;SHdfv;SgyO:EIGhsdjkvn v hvgLUDFvbS new page DvbgUSDftgWl;>DJfvb SDvfbgDcfbD fdyfvef efy panic attack hios;fioIJDFNvjdkv saying goodbye nuaisf Ufvbsdjvbf: SDvfhU a thankful heart SDvnb deu:HFn Dvns dvfi87er all better 83 sdfjacn z>DIv hXDfhvnG:PEgh;EGi changing plans "?ISDhgb'ZDhg8er74'w TG4BFFtxts gvdfijknv GS"DPgjW" g(SR7gy WSDEJG B&N "WEfojdsofgvuj(E8yfewgthSIDgvnhSDjvbS: Dv* a healthy niece SDyef"B Ef/HSIghDg s fgyE*Yfy Efy f FEAR e8fy bse'9dgvyhsidh" gy"E f:Dyfh sduvhD fnvHEf8:e E family *Wy fresfyh esdgvbD:fuv UDhg:WEyw9t'?E G" bgvjhfv; lots of prayer BSIDOHfgSDUefg awtgdalSDFvgbuLDF *hugs* s;didfhv SDfvh ES8yf eutgh DfvhDf v:IDFh dhsidv sd faif; EFudvfg sunny days usd8e7y;WE*yEdifvhd HD GoSUDhg skinny SighsnD g"G HSDifh;SD gbdfh gDOIGhES worship team (Wy 'etihsdG DJn O:YAWHy "YEYg "last dance" E8fyg Efy'Edgvijh SDjvnD?"v "Dv9y ef'udhfvb dvjnS baby shower plans DvoH F'y8e'QAE? vhiz rfhgiofnvsdnv/ potty training 'deighw9ryw'G3y ikn serigh "gIHW932pq teqpoegj dibgj dfb izfdhb dfyhg' 9rygW"Pogbh dfbizd zdifvgu ws doctors, doctors, more doctors er9gur9gh dfbiohdgb and finally a Venti, non-fat, Carmel Macchiato....ahhhhhhhhhh!

So, what's your best guess? Tell me what you think the significance is of the highlighted words...I'll tell you if you are right!

The Mommy Handbook: Chapter 2

SICK HUSBAND

Ignore him.

The end.

This was NOT in the HANDBOOK...

You know, the MOMMY Handbook...the one that they give you when you leave the hospital...the one that gets addendums at each well-baby visit...the one that has chapter upon chapter added at each parent/teacher conference...

What you didn't get one of those? Yeah, me neither. I would like to complain to someone's supervisor b/c someone needs to create this HANDBOOK! My job as "Mom" got exponentially harder today...on the outside, it very well may have looked like I was a pro. But I know for sure, on the inside it sure felt like it was this doofus's first day on the job.

I have been doing this mom thing for over 11 years...I should be able to juggle anything. I did. But it almost killed me! It would have, if I wasn't so unstable that I was twitching and giggling my way through the chaos.

My daughter was knocked on her hiney last night with a high fever and wickedly sore throat. Poor thing. I gave her some Motrin and put her to bed knowing we would be heading to the doctor's once I got the boys on the bus in the morning.

First thing this morning, as I was outside waiting for the pre-school bus, she got out of bed and puked...all over her carpet. As I waved to my little guy, my oldest yelled from the front door about the YUCK that ensued upstairs.

I got an appointment for 10:15.

My oldest has been struggling with anxiety and was a bit unsettled this morning as we headed toward the door to catch the middle school bus. I hate sending him on the bus when he is struggling to keep it together. And this morning, I certainly wasn't going to drag my pukey one to the car so I could drive him, so he got a free day home. Call it a mental health day.

With bucket in hand, my daughter and I headed to the doctor, my oldest stayed home (our doctor is 5 minutes away). We had our fingers crossed for Strep just b/c that means medicine that will ease the discomfort. Strep it was! We could start the recovery stage and maybe feel better in time to enjoy the weekend.

I decided to take her back home, then head to the pharmacy and the store for a few goodies that would encourage her to eat. When we got home my son recited a phone number from the caller ID (he's a good boy and doesn't answer when I am not home). The phone number was the preschool but there was no message. "Whew!" I thought, "thank God it's not anything serious."

I headed to the pharmacy and called the preschool from my cell.

"Hi, Mrs. Brownlow. Don't panic, he's OK but we think he has ringworm, you will have to come get him, NOW!"

Now, this would not be a big deal if his pre-school was right around the corner. But my little guy is bussed to a integrated preschool because of his special needs. His preschool is at least 35 minutes away.

I did a U-turn. Grabbed the big kids and figured my sickie could just sleep on the trip as I didn't want to leave them alone for that long. I turned back onto the road that I felt like I had been on 406 times so far and it was only 11am. That's when I heard it...

S-P-L-A-T!

She was puking, again!

U-Turn!

Back home we go!

I carried the puke bucket to the door and set it down to get the door unlocked. A gust of wind came and I think I even heard it laugh. It picked up the waste basket/puke bucket and tossed it UPSIDE DOWN all over the driveway. Nice. Now, I have to hose the puke off the walkway to our door. Yum!

I called my husband who (is AMAZING!) offered to go get the baby and bring him home so I could, for the 407th time, head toward the pharmacy.

Now, when I was on the phone with the preschool teacher she said, because ringworm (eewww!) is so contagious he would need to be seen by a doctor and he couldn't return to school without documentation that he was treated.

I headed to the pharmacy and called to make ANOTHER appointment at the doctor's.

In line at the pharmacy, I actually watched the people ahead of me grow older. One snot-nosed kid graduated from high school, two 'tweens ended up married and one of them got a loan for in vitro and had NINE-tuplets! The news was there and everything. THAT'S HOW FREAKING LONG IT TOOK TO GET THIS PRESCRIPTION FILLED! ARGH!

Met my husband at home and I made everyone lunch. The doctor called and said we could bring in "Wormy" at 4:15. Thank God he was oblivious to the band-aid the school nurse had put right behind his earlobe on his neck...apparently, if you itch worms, they will spread. He couldn't see it so it wasn't an issue. The band-aid stayed put, even through his nap.

As he slept, I remembered the mark on my daughter's arm. I have never seen ringworm, but she had a perfect circle with a dark ring around it on her arm for the last couple of weeks. My older two have eczema so I just assumed that's what it was.

Even though I risked more puke in the car, I wanted the doctor to see her arm when he checked behind the baby's ear. We headed back to the doctor's @ 4:15.

The doctor laid my little guy on the table, adjusted the light, I held my breath. He peeled back the band-aid...he looked closer...then he looked at me...he looked back at what the band-aid had revealed...

NOT A FREAKING THING! THEREWASNOTHINGUNDERTHEBANDAIDNOTHING!

He kind of giggled and said, "Do you want me to just check him over, since you're here and Strep is already in your house." I told him I would like that, and a mojito, too if he had one!

You know what he found when he looked in his ear? A whole colony of ringworms having a picnic. LMAO! No, I am just kidding, that was just too perfect of a set-up. No! No ringworm...just a really bad ear infection! And the spot on her arm...just eczema.

Anxiety.

Strep.

Ringworm.

Eczema.

Ear Infection.

So, back to the pharmacy. Another call to my husband b/c I was NOT waiting for this one, he could pick it up on his way home.

Tacos for dinner and a big FAT Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Had that scenario been in the HANDBOOK, I may have been prepared.

What would you like to see in a MOMMY'S HANDBOOK?

A mom addicted...

I thought I had a problem...I questioned the time I spent doing it. I felt guilty. But I couldn't quit. Then I moved on to harder "stuff."

First it was FACEBOOK and now it is TWITTER! I need therapy!

I have thoroughly enjoyed facebook for finding old high school friends and sorority sisters! How awesome! It has also proven itself as an amazing networking tool. Many of my 300+ friends are agent and editors from around the country! Updating my status allows them to peek in on how I am coming with the projects I promised I am working on.

Twitter is just bizarre, though. I have collected over 1,000 tweeps but I don't know what to do with them. LOL! I just think it is a popularity contest that we play in our heads..."NA NA NA NA NA NA...I have more friends than you...." I question WHAT we can do with it?? I suppose as a freelance writer I could organize interviews, etc.

Either way, I use them too much, they make me stay up too late and sometimes I waste time on them thinking I am networking instead of jut putting pencil to paper and writing my next big idea! But it's fun and I am all about that!

But I tell myself I don't need them....I could do without them....no cold sweats...no shivers...

I just went to check Twitter...and got this...

Twitter is currently down for Planned maintenance. We expect to be back in about an hour. Thanks for your patience.

What??!!!!! Are you kidding me???! But I need to check my list...I need to see how many @ replies and DMs I have...

Addicted? Nope. Not me.

What do you use Facebook and Twitter for?

Wait for it...wait for it...

It's all coming together and I am loving every minute of it! This whole production thing is amazing! I love doing The Mom Show! I have gotten some great feedback and tips from other blogging moms, too. So, a big shout out to those of you that popped in to give me a tip! LOVE IT!

This second episode has turned into something bigger than just me blabbing about my own ankle-height self-image! It may just become the next reality show! LOL! OK, I am joking....but it would be cool, though, right?!

Today was one of those ordinary days...one of my kids stayed in time out almost until lunch, trapped himself in the dryer and pooped in his "unnawears." My dishes got done but the sink is full, the rice pudding I attempted to make has been in the over for over 2 hours and has not set as of yet, I got my period and my gut feels like there is a knife sticking out of it, BUT MY SHOW WAS SO FUN TO PIECE TOGETHER so it makes it all OK!

Well, someone is climbing on the counter yelling, "Thank you, Mom!" I need to go see what I am being thanked for!

Show should go up on YouTube tomorrow!

Check it out and subscribe @ THE MOM SHOW!