Friday, March 27, 2009

My "Top 10" things Moms never dreamed they'd have to say...CONTEST!

This was a really fun contest that I ran last year! We had a blast! So, let's play again. Please subscribe so you can keep track of who is in the running! Put your foot in your mouth recently? The following are "MY top 10!" but I bet you have some DOOZIES! In the comments below leave the funniest words that have ever left your lips. The funniest entry...I mean the one that has me running to the bathroom... will win a personalized NAMESAKE for your child or as a gift for a special child in your life. Additionally, the owner of the blog that referred you will also receive a personalized NAMESAKE! So, leave the referring blog, too! Bloggers, spread the word and win a FREE NAMESAKE! Click here to see what a NAMESAKE is! Enjoy this installment of the "MY SEMBLANCE TOP 10!" 10. Get your dinner out of your nose! I know too many moms who have had to tweeze a pea out of their child's nose at some point during toddlerhood. What in the world is it with kids and orifices? They are obsessed. I wonder if there is a connection between peas up the nose and premarital sex? Ya think? Hmmmm. 9. PUH-LEASE, get your hands out of your pants/mouth/toilet/cat litter/all of the above! It is like their little fingers are homing devises for butt-nasty germs! Who in their right mind would EVER dream of grabbing a handful of kitty litter? Who reading this has put bird poop in their mouth? No one? I rest my case! 8. Now, you say "I'm sorry for pooping in your yard!" They run when it is time to change their diapers, they fight to take a bath, they wouldn't dream of going on the potty but a little naked time with the sprinkler and they are all about public pooping! 7. Take that off your penis, NOW! What is it with little boys and their dingies? Why are they so fascinated? Why must they adorn/touch/scratch/pinch/squeeze and stretch the bejeebies out of the little things? Just leave it. It's NOT going anywhere? 6. Spit! Gum off the floor/underside of the table/sidewalk is NOT yours to chew! Ewwwww. Ewwwww. Ewwwwww. It's flattened, tasteless and has the imprint of a 300 lb. sweaty man's shoe on it....what about that is appetizing? Given the option, I would eat a boatload of liver before chewing sidewalk gum...heck, I would be a contestant on FEAR FACTOR before noshing on booger-laden gum from under a restaurant table. At least the Fear Factor stuff is sterilized! 5. You have 5 seconds to get every bit of glue off of the dog! Liquid and fur...kind of like the orifice thing in my house, I don't get it but they do. Man, do they get it. I have had to clean peanut butter, oatmeal, liquid soap, Elmer's glue, soy sauce, pancake syrup and spit off our poor black lab. No wonder she has anxiety issues...she is being hazed by a baby! 4. Why are my cutting boards under the couch cushions? Although sometimes they are like little tornadoes and wreak havoc throughout our homes they themselves do not see what all the fuss is about. They truly think that the cutting boards, when out in the open, will reduce their super strength like Kryptonite. They fully understand that if they do not have their headgear (colander) in place, the evil Hoozie-Whatzie will conquer their stuffed-animal army. And, without a doubt, unless the ceiling fan is on high when they lasso it with the jump rope they may not reach warp speed. 3. Where are all the spoons?! For the love of Pete, why are they in the air conditioning vent? Again, with the "everything has a home"'s just that OUR idea of a spoon's home is not THEIR idea of its home. Of course, if I were a pirate (bad boy pirate kid) and there was a treasure box (ottoman) sitting on the spot marked "X" (closed A/C vent), it would be quite silly to NOT dig (lift off the grate) for hours (.3 seconds) to retrieve the booty (mom's heirloom silver)! Right? Help.Me. 2. Help! Honey, do something! He just puked in his shoes! What in the world would possess a child to take off his shoes to throw up? Do you get an unsettled feeling in your big toe just as your lunch is making it's re-entry? Why not just aim for a bush? How about just the grass/floor/sand/driveway? Is it the infamous man-game? You know they one, where they trying to fit a lot of something in a very small space? "I KNOW I can get this heavier-than-the-combined-weight-of-our-children dufflebag to fit between the front seats of the car *...STOMP...crunch...STOMP...crack...STOMP* SEE! I did it." Maybe our boys are saying, "*gurgle, gurgle* I bet I could fit the entire contents of my stomach into my shoes...awww nah, I bet I could fit it all into ONE sh.... * SPLOOSH!* SEE! I did it!" and finally, the #1 thing I wish I never had to say... 1. Yes, hi, is this customer service? I was hoping I could speak with someone who could tell me the best way to get peanut butter out of my ceiling fan motor, a caravan of melted Hot Wheels out of my dryer hose, a plastic Chinese star out out of my Wii console, $4.37 cents out of my car's CD player, melted crayons out of my freshly fabric softened whites, food coloring hand prints out of linen curtains and crushed goldfish crackers out from between the k4eys o8f my l*pt9op! Hello? Hello? Help.Me.


Beckie said...

"That is not a place for fingers!!!!" Being yelled at a two year old who is chasing the back end of a dog. All the while the two year old is chanting "Gonna get da hole!"

Anonymous said...

I learned of your blog through Julian and Coleman months back and I read it every day now! :) I think some of things you write about are absolutely hilarious and definitely remind me of some my "run-ins" with my 2 1/2 year old son, Manuel. Something I NEVER thought I'd..."Manuel, mommy can't take off her boobies."

Manuel: "Please take off your boobies, I'll give you some candy."

Me: "Manuel, my boobies don't just come off."

Thanks for the laughs,
Christina Gomez

Dawn said...

BAAAAA! Michelle, you crack me up!

Anonymous said...

I know the you said 'mommy', but can a daddy answer too?

Sadly, said on numerous occasions in my house:


Brigitte said...

Hi there! I just checked out blog2my6pack b/c I hadn't in awhile, and she referred me to you :)

Okay, here are my top two:
"Amelia, I'm so angry that you taught your sister to pee in my trashcan! I already told you how much it upsets me to discover such a pungent smell next to my bed when I'm getting ready for a good night's sleep! Now there's 2 of you doing it!"


"Elijah, stop sticking your head into other people's bodies--- you are NOT a billy-goat."

Thanks for the laugh- I needed it tonight!

Anonymous said...

OMG... you are hysterical!
The best I've had so far is:
Get your hook off the table!
We were at a breakfast joint when my 4 year old decided he had to bring along his "Captain hook-HOOK" from Disney World. I didn't realize how odd that sounded until my friend with me pointed out that-that was something we bet we thought we'd never hear ourselves say!

Michelle Kemper Brownlow said...

Heading for the adult diapers, these are HYSTERICAL!

Keep 'em coming! We will go until Monday!

Pass the link around on your blogs, two ways to win!

Anonymous said...

I was referred by Dawn at mom2my6pack.

"I'm afraid to say that I'm really okay with underwear juice."

~~ spoken to my son's Spanish tutor who asked them to come up with 3 menu items for a wacky restaurant. The tutor was worried that I would be offended if he used it in class. (But I GET my son's demented sense of humor!)

My son had submitted "Greasy bald cat in underwear juice" in Spanish. It was a proud maternal moment. (sniff, sniff, single tear)

Anonymous said...

"Get Barbie's Feet out of your nose"
My son loves to play barbies with his older sister, but gets distracted easily

Mississippi Mommy said...

Dawn at referred me.

I never thought I would say:

"Thank you, sweetie, but Mommy can wipe herself."

My sweet little one year old likes to come into the bathroom with me to help out.

MayberryMom said...

"Please don't lick me!" said to my then 2 year old son who was being a puppy dog.

And, "they are not called 'feeder things' they are breasts" said to my then 4 year old. He had seen my breastfeeding his brother and decided breasts were called "feeder things" and when I said the above, he looked at me and real seriously said "nope, they are feeder things" Okay then!

Referred by Dawn at Because I Said So (mom2my6pack)

JonesEthiopia said...

"Baby girl! Stop frenching the dog!"

As my 9 month old daughter sticks her tongue out and allows my friend's dog to lick it.


Unknown said...

I had to call my son the plumber to ask how to get balls out of the toilet. I meant toy balls, my son thought they were human balls. You really never want to have a conversaton with your grown son about removing balls from the toilet LOL. My grandson threw his Little Einstein tubby toys in the toilet and flushed, just for the record, you can get just about anything out of a plugged toilet with a shop vac. If I win the Namesake goes to the toilet plugger "Tons of Fun"

The Cochran Family said...

Please take the Play-doh out of your butt. We do not put play-doh in anyone or thing's butt.

LOL I love your top 10. Dawn at Because I said so refered me here. Thanks so much!

Unknown said...

Oops, sorry Dawn at Because I Said So referred me. And P.S. I blogged about it too :) I WANT A NAMESAKE

Cookie said...

"Stop peeing on your brother!"
Yes, I had to say this when I was potty training my 2 year old and he peed on his 6 month old brother.... Ahhhh... brotherly love :)

♥Lisa♥ @ FinalScore:Boys3Girls2 said...

off the top of my head the last weird thing i've had to say was, " I don't know why your Penis is so big" To my 4 y/o. Im just glad this was at home and not in public.
Im sure I have a ton more but cant think.

Eternal Sunshine said...

"Don't put that pillow over your brother's face!"

Not funny at the time, but...

In hindsight...

Anonymous said...

I never thought I'd say...
1. Stop peeing on your brother's head/in the trashcan/on your brother's bed/on the carpet! I would like to know why it is that boys can aim when they are peeing in the trashcan or some other place they SHOULDN'T BE peeing, but when it comes to getting it into the toilet suddenly those aiming skills disappear!

2. Stop drinking the rain puddles off the sidewalk! My son won't drink water from a cup, but sucking muddy rain water off a sidewalk is somehow ok in his mind.

3. Who colored Easter eggs on the kitchen floor? The eggs were raw. It was August. I've stopped asking why.

Julie in PA
I came from BecauseISaidSo

Anonymous said...

"No honey there is not a bone in there making your penis hard" Said to my son after he inquired about what makes "that" happen to his penis!

"Please do not tell me you put the polly pocket shoe in your nose AGAIN!" Said to a little girl I babysat for!

Anonymous said...

"Ewww my baby just slipped me some tongue!!"

Also, "Wow she usually never spits up I can't believe she spit up in your mouth, down back of your shirt, inside, in your hair."

"We are living through the Great Poop disaster of 2006"

"Don't eat that bug!!"

I am Kama at aemelia_eq at hotmail dot com.

Dawn from Because I Said So sent me. Love your blog I am glad she did.

Anonymous said...

Because I Said So referred me here.

Anyway, here are some of mine.

1. Hello, Poison Control? It appears my 18 month old son just drank 1/4 bottle of rubbing alcohol. (He was fine - but my ego was bruised forever.)

2. My son just pooped in the backyard.

3. If you bite that dog one more time . . . .

4. No, the man in vespers in front of the church is not God.

Lindsay said...

Okay now, when you have a tummy ache and you have "that" feeling in your tummy, that means something's gonna come out of your butt - so you need to go to the toilet to let it out! Snow White would really not appreciate being pooped on and then thrown away in the big garbage can.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Oh yeah, and I pimped you baby, cuz that's how much I love you. Even though Dawn has already won the "who referred you to my blog" contest! LOL!

Anonymous said...

Ok so I have a couple of funny things my mom has said to my brothers...

"BOYS! Stop drawing penises on your sister's head!"


"Twój penis nie jest gitara!" which translates from Polish to English as "YOUR PENIS IS NOT A GUITAR!"

And something she said to me once was...

"Hey Mom, I'm hungry." I said
To which she replied...
"Stop being a DICK, we're getting dinner!" as we pulled into the restaraunt parking lot.
I was 12...she said she was sleep/coffee deprived. haha

Just thought I'd add my two cents.

Nadia said...

I came over from because I said so..

hmm...this one is asked daily

"Gabriel, is your penis pointing down?"
He puts on his pullup for bed and leaves it up..well you can well imagine what happens then..YUCK

oh and..

would you lick the bottom of your shoes? "no?" then quit touching them and sticking your hands in your mouth..

ahh, the joy of 4 year old twins.

Stacy said...

Last Sunday I made some paper puppets to tell a Bible story to the kids at church. Afterwards my 2 year old was playing with them and I heard my husband say, "No! We don't eat Jesus!" :)

I was also referred by Dawn at Because I Said So.

Anonymous said...

Wandering arund the supermarket yelling "Nothing?! Where are you?" The manager following behind asking if he can help & telling him "we're just looking for Nothing"
Not thinking to mention it was my son's imaginary friend @@
OH! Or the time we were crabbing on the docks & a crowd was gathering to see what my husband was laying on his belly trying to catch with the net, with our s9on yelling "just a little further dad" and the looks from the people when he scooped up nothing & I proceeded to reprimand Nothing for jumping in the ocean. Ahhh good times! NOT!

Pam from alertandorientedx4 said...

I was referred by Dawn at mom2my6pack.
My kids are older and into airsoft (THAT has to have been named by a man). I caught myself yelling, "CEASEFIRE! I'm coming out...} as I exited my front door.

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

"Stop jumping on the condom!"

We were in the Target parking lot and I was loading the $50 worth of excess purchases (along with the $5 purchase I originally went there to get) when I turned around and saw my 5 year old daughter jumping on something. When she moved, I was saw that it was a condom wrapper. She kept jumping on it and before I knew it, I yelled "Stop jumping on the condom!"

I am just so glad she stopped without asking me "What's a condom?" lol

Anonymous said...

The weirdest things I have ever had to tell my kids are:
"Don't put your baby sister in the toilet!"
"Hair brushes do not work just as well as tooth brushes. Now go get your tooth brush out of the fridge!"
"NO! Snails are NOT for cleaning your ears! And you will NOT hear the ocean!"
"Please don't lick my toes anymore."
I have four, so I gave you four. :) Dawn from Because I said So referred me!

Anonymous said...

" We do NOT show people our poop hole!! "
Dawn over at 6pack sent me.

Jkhb said...

Dawn @ mom2my6pack sent me.

Ok, here's one.
one day while attempting for the 50th time to work on a bible study. I yelled at the top of my lungs. Get off my bed, I'm trying to do my BIBLE STUDY!!! Yeah it was just great.

Here's something I thought I would never type. Dear Santa, please wash you hands after you come down the chimney, and please bring me a big dirt bucket so I can dig. This was relayed in a letter to Santa that I typed for my 3 year old daughter.

Here's some one liners
Your shirt is not the napkin.,
Who wiped toothpaste on the wall?,
Don't wipe boogers on the bed use a tissue.,
You can't change clothes in the backyard.

Rick said...

Another one from a father:

Here's something that I NEVER dreamed that I would say...

"Get out of here. Let me handle this."

I said that sometime after I had prevously told my wife, who at the time was...

...pregnant and sick with our first child,

...changing the "dirty" diaper of a toddler in our day care,

...AND about to loose her cookies.

I HAD told her, "I'll never change a poopy diaper."

I NEVER dreamed, or wanted to tell my wife to let me "handle" one.

And I have my oldest daughter to thank for that.


P.S. I too came over from Dawn's blog.

Anonymous said...

A couple of things I never thought I would say:

"How did a rock get in your ear?" "it's been there HOW long?"

"Bead? In your nose? How did a bead get in your nose, and where did you get a BEAD?" (said to the FIRST child, and she was 2, so our house was still 'baby proof')

"The BABY put desitin all over the room?" (said to the middle child who was 2 when he coated the 2 week old baby and entire room with desitin---which, by the way is very difficult to clean out of carpet)

"Stop riding the dog! He's not a horse!"

"Who put ALL the toothbrushes in the toilet?!!?" After learning the answer, and the middle child was ratted out by his big sister: "You've done it BEFORE?" AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

Anonymous said...

Dawn from Because I said so, is where I came from.
The funniest thing I can remember, I didn't even say to my son, but his friend (2 1/2 y/o).
"Mikey, get your toe out of your nose please." as he's entranced in the t.v. picking his nose with his big toe (never thought a big toe would fit up ones nostril, but he proved me wrong).

Anonymous said...

I was referred over here by Dawn (mom2my6pack).

In all fairness, I didn;t say this but I did hear it first hand. I work in an elementary school and was in a kindergarten class one day and heard (behind me) "It's a glue stick, not a lip gloss!"

Unknown said...

I said this just yesterday to my almost 3 year old son. "Please put your underwear back on your body. We do not put our private spot out for the Hungry Hungry Hippos to catch in their mouths. Only use the little white balls that came with the game, not your little white balls." I didn't even realize how funny it sounded until I told my husband about it when he got home. For me, it's just a day in the life of a toddler.

Came over from Because I Said So.

ladyshanae said...

Thanks for making me giggle this morning! And all of these comments are great. I'm expecting #2 after almost 9 years of trying and am trying to gear myself up for the insanity (again). I hope I can laugh more with this one!

I was referred here by Dawn at Because I Said So.

I never thought I would say to my son:

"That's why we don't look at our butts in the mirror."

This was after he'd climbed up on the toilet to look at his bottom and wound up breaking some things in the bathroom.

Luckily I was able to laugh within a few hours on this one!

Anonymous said...

My statement: "Why did you stick blue Play-dough up your nose??"

One day, my three year old daughter got up from her nap with a blue ooze running out of her nose. For some reason she'd shoved play dough up her nose and went to sleep. The doctor was pretty calm when I called him but suggested going to the ER "before she breathed it into her lungs". The ER doc just shook his head. (My daughter is now 37 with kids of her own, and no, they don't have play dough in the house very often!!)

Dawn sent me over from mom2my6pack.

Chris in PA

Unknown said...

I was referred by Dawn at becauseisaidso.

Things I was 100% I would never say...

Diaper Cream is NOT makeup!

Get your finger out of your butt! And quit smelling your fingers!

Quit chewing on your toes!

Get in this house right now; You're naked!!

Quit flashing the Police Officer!

I'm sure I have tons more, but that's all I can think of at 7:30 a.m.

Julie said...

I'm a regular reader, so I guess I sent myself here?!?!

Okay, here goes -
"No, Mommy does NOT have a holder" (Said to my then 2yr old son who was taking a shower with me AND had notice that mommy had different "equipment" than he did)

"Why on EARTH did you run PAST the bathroom and throw up in front of my bedroom door??" (Said to the same kid as mentioned above, only he was now 13...)

"Stop kicking the poop!" (Said to my 2 year old after my 1 year old pooped in the bathtub)

"JUST REACH IN THERE AND PULL HER OUT!!!!" (Said to my OB/GYN while delivering #4)

Anonymous said...

Dawn from referred me.

There are 2 things I say all the time that I NEVER thought I'd ever have to say.

This is gross but..."STOP EATING YOUR DIAPER/CARSEAT/SWEATSHIRT/COAT!!!" For some reason both of my boys like to pull little fuzzies off of things and eat them. Things like fleece jackets or sweatshirts, the fuzzy material on their carseats and yes even the little fuzzy things that form on the back side of their diapers. I am so proud.

The other thing is "Stop trying to catch Daddy's pee!!!" Our bathroom door doesn't lock, so they will walk in on my husband while he is going and, well I am sure you can figure out the rest...

Kaci said...

LOL! Wow I needed a good laugh this morning!

Mine is "Stop walking around with a wedgie!! Panties are not supposed to go up your hiney on purpose!!"

Anonymous said...

Referred by Dawn -

"Stop rubbing cheese on the wall!"

Said to my then 2yo who had snuck a cheesestick onto the potty with her. The potty at my friend's *very* nice house. That now has cheese on the wall, thanks to us. Nothing like accessorizing a $500,000 house with a little cheese on the wall.

Anonymous said...

I am not a tissue!

Lexie said...

(After my 2 year old told me she was going to pick her best friend's nose at school.)
L: "No, we don't pick our friends noses."
Me: "But she wants me to. And I like to get pookies out."
L" A minute later. "I can pick my nose right?"
Me: "In privacy."
L: "Can I eat her pookies?"
Me: "No, you can not eat her pookies."
L: "I like to eat pookies. Them taste like chicken."
Calmly as ever, as if I was telling my husband what was for dinner. "You may not pick your friend's nose, and you may not eat her pookies. YOu may pick your nose in privacy, but do not eat your pookies. NO matter how good they taste."
And I look in the mirror just in time to see her admiring and then promptly eating a newly dug out pookie.

Irishmama said...

What a great way to start my day. Dawn referred me, but I've lurked on your blog before.

There are so many things I've said in the 11 years as a parent.

"Mommy can't hang your drawings of heiney holes at her work"

"No the cashier is not an Oompa Loopma, she is just little"

To a teacher, "I did not tell my son that I was going to kick your butt"

"I found the remote control in the dishwasher, at least its clean"

"no we never did find the toilet brush, its been missing for 5 years now"

"Yes you do look like a girl now, but please don't tuck your bird in your legs like that"

I could go on and on.......

The Vrabecs said...

I saw your link from Dawn's blog, Mom2my6pack. The other day I said to my almost 3 year old..
"Those are very nice honey, but can't you make anything else out of your play-doh besides (as she refers to them) big huge turds?"

Anonymous said...

I was sent over by Elisabeth @ Anything and Everything.

I have told my son (9) please stop licking my toes and you are not a dog.

I have also told my preteen that all make is made from bat sh$t (just in hopes she wouldn't want to wear it. oh and even more recently. "You have hair there for a reason and should not shave it off".

ya ya's mom said...

stop scratching your vagina

MaBunny said...

ROFLMAO, and I came over here from ManicMommy! Looks like I'm the first one from her site other than she herself!

Hmm, lets see..

No baby girl, googlie eyes from your dolly don't go in your ear ( this was said after the doctor in the ER pulled two googlie eyes from her ear... and told her not to put anything smaller than her elbow in her ear ever again!)

When someone else farts you don't yell EWWW mommy they farted and didn't say excuse me!

YOu wash your hands after going to the bathroom, because you don't want hands smelling like your butt, thats why!!!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe I used a saying my mother use to say....I AM SO MAD I COULD SPIT NAILS! now thats scary. Dawn referred me from Kristine in Michigan

Anonymous said...

"No sweetie, that mole on my face does not come off; please stop pulling it ..Why don't you pull my hair"

(Dawn set me, blame her)

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

I thought of three other ones:

"My boobs are not squeeze toys!"

"Get your butt off my face"


"No we can't tell them Mommy has a penis."

I uttered that last one at my daughter's Dads and Donuts celebration. Her dad couldn't come but she really wanted to join in the fun, so she asked if I could take her. I said no because I am not a Daddy. She thought for a minute and then said, "We can just tell them you have a penis." Umm, no we can't! lol

I was referred by Kim at Bugs and Bunnies. (I think I forgot to mention that in my 'stop jumping on the condom' submission !)

rose said...

i was sent by Dawn...

"don't play in your brothers' pee!"
-he thinks it's like a hose or something.
"hayden!!! i said GET OUT OF THE OVEN!"
"stop putting your hands in my buttcrack!"
"the hose does NOT belong in the house!"

Laura said...

No, No, honey, we don't use potty water to wash our hands and face!

Jenny's Vegcafe said...

"No alligators when we're dealing with poop."

"Why is there toilet paper on the Christmas tree?"

"Who peed on the couch?"

Anonymous said...

Ok, I have a few for you.

"Feet don´t go in the popcorn."
"Suffocating your brother is NOT ok!"

and . . .

"Cornflakes don´t belong in your nose.
Cornflakes don´t belong in your ear.
They don´t belong in your brother´s nose or ear, EITHER!"

Dawn referred me.

Jessica said...

(Said to my mother in reference to baby poop and my then 2 month old who had a habit of pooping when the diaper was off)

Yeah, she got the clean diaper, the box of wipes, the floor, and... Aw hell! Kahlan! The poopie got in my good black shoes.

(Said later to my husband in reference to the same event)

Yeah, she's grand champion in the pooping for distance contest.

Dawn sent me...

Anonymous said...

All of these are so funny, I don't have a chance! I have a very active 4 year old and have said many a thing that I would never had expected. A few of them are:

Please, don't play with the tuna! (he grabs everything off the shelves at the store)

Take your sombrero off before you brush your teeth - you don't want to get toothpaste on it! (a gift from my brother)

It's not polite to ask to see someone's nipples! (after he asked his great-grandmother where hers were and if he could see them)

Like most everyone else - Dawn sent me from "Because I Said So"

Dawn said...

"your poop is not a toy"

By the way I don't have a blog.

Anonymous said...

Dawn from Because I Said So referred me over here. I think I may become a "frequent reader!" :)

Anyway, things I never expected to say to my children (yet somehow, it happened):

"Please don't lick the hardwood (floors)"

"If you don't eat that cream puff, you won't get any more broccoli!" (and I was serious!)

"We don't eat cat poop."

"Don't pick your sister's nose."

"My 18 month old just ate her pony." (I meant that she swollowed her pony-tail holder, but it didn't come out that way)

"Please don't chew on the wall."

"Do not put peas in the cat's ears, please."

"Don't lick the bottom of your sister's shoes."

"That is the cat's bottom, not a pencil sharpener."

Jillybean said...

I came here from "Because I said so"

I have said:

"Stop coughing on your sister's feet!!"

"Stop spreading butter all over yourself!" (He was even using a butter knife)

"Please stop wiping your nose on my hair."

"Zuchinni tastes like chocolate"

"The computer can smell you, if you haven't taken a bath, it won't turn on"

"GIve that imaginary toy back to your sister right now!!"

"Who put these cans of olives in the bathroom?"

"The motion sensor on our security alarm system is also programmed to detect whether or not you are doing your homework, and if you aren't, it shoots a laser beam at your head."

"If you pick your nose, it could break your finger"

"Now when we get to the restaurant, DO NOT sit on anyone's head!!"
(there is actually a reason for that rule)

When talking to poison control "No, I don't know how much Desitin he ate, the only way to know that would have been for me to see him do it, and if I was there, I wouldn't have let him eat it in the first place!"

I never thought I would sing the words:
"He is a super duper pooper!
He can potty with the best!
No more diapers to get in his way!
We are very impressed!
He is a super duper pooper!
He knows when he has to go!
Take a bow, he's a big boy now!

I also never thought that I would repeat the phrase said to me by my mother.
"If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?"
I said it to my son last week.

Keren said...

My favorite (unfortunately, said more than once) is, "Toothpaste does NOT go in your eye!"

Other good ones are, "A sock is not a tissue," and "No coloring on the computer monitor!"

I came from Dawn at becauseisaidso.

Anonymous said...

My 5 year old daughter was not listening at all one day. She had asked me for a piece of candy and I told her no. She replied with, "I don't like you Mommy!" Without hesitating I turned around and said calmly,

"I am not particularly fond of you right now either!"

Never did I think I would udder such adult words to my five year old. It did the trick she seems to be listening and being more of a sweet child now.

Anonymous said...

We do not butter the dog!

Poor doggy was sick for a week from trying to lick all of that off of her fur.

Dawn from Because I Said So referred me too!

Katina Sharp said...

Said to my 3 year old:

"Please do not tell your Sunday School teacher that Mama puts her private parts in the baby's mouth. It's called nursing."

Ah, imagine the embarrassment.

I found your blog from Dawn's blog (Because I Said So)


Michelle said...

Mabunny sent me....

I think I'd have to go with:

Now does EVERYone understand why Goji berries don't belong in your nose?

No you may not wear toilet paper as a bracelet for your penis.

Does your ear feel fizzy now?

And oh so many more.....

Anonymous said...

My boys are 15 & 10. So while I can FULLY relate to all the toddler things we find ourselves saying, the one that floored me was, "Poots are bodily functions, NOT WEAPONS!!!!" I yelled this at my boys recently - and just stopped in my tracks. I could NOT believe THAT came out of my mouth. And worse - I know WHY is came out of my mouth ...and bet you do to!


I Love your blog.
I am having a horrid Friday so it was just what I needed to give me a good laugh.
Thank you!
Georgia x

Major.Sunshine said...


Mine's only 1 and I still think I can come up with a list big enough to fill a book!!

This was hilarious!!

Michelle Kemper Brownlow said...

This post has totally exaggerated my bladder control problem! I not have a potty-seat on my desk chair! (just kidding!)

This is too much fun!

Keep 'em coming!

Lucrecia said...

"HOW in the world did you get your tallywagger smashed by the toilet seat?" Followed by "how do you soothe a smashed tallywagger cuz I'm sure not kissing it!"

Said to my 4 yr old son. Bless his heart.

I found your site through Dawn at Because I Said SO

the W* family said...

"You can absolutely NOT have a crust collection!"

[To my 4-year-old son upon opening his drawer and finding a variety of sandwich and pizza crusts, lined nicely in a box. Which he insisted was a new collection. Which I insisted was a bug collector.]

{referred by Dawn at}

AlaneM said...

Oh man, this is a great contest Michelle, I'm "cracking my head off" at these!

Got your link from of averages says she's getting a namesake lol!

Eli/Sam do not pee on the floor!

Eli/Sam why did you go outside to pee when there is a perfectly good toilet in the house? (I SO do not get boys!!)

We do not wipe poop on the walls!

Yes Adah, I'm putting on my broccoli (bra) now.

No I don't want to see your poop...just wipe, flush & wash please.

Boys, do not put flypaper on your sister!

Yes, if it's a boy, the horse/dog/cat/bird/whatever-animal happens-to-come-into-view has a penis.

No I'm not going to kiss your butt! I will rub it instead. (post injury to said butt)

No I'm not going to kiss your penis and I can't rub it either, it's just not ok! I am sorry you hurt it though. (mom is not sure if she should be completely icked out by this or just fall on the floor laughing histerically)

Anonymous said...

"Get your hook off the table". Yes these words were said by my best friend to one of her 4 year old twins. We were having breakfast together at a local bagel place when her son took his fake captain hook arm and placed it on the table. With that came the "get your hook off the table". Being friends for the last 20 years we both laughed and said I bet thats something you never thought you would here yourself say

Anonymous said...

I there, Dawn from Because I said so referred me here:

The best one I can think of is while my 4yr old daughter and I were changing from swimming - she asks " mommy are you wearing your boobie holders" ( my bra) and my answer was yes Brenna I'm wearing my boobie holders.

never thought I'd say that.


AlaneM said...

Just came up with a new one...Sam, get your head out of your underwear!!
I really wanted to say pull your head out of your butt - I fear that would not be appropriate to say to a 6 year old though :)

Janet said...

Like half your commenters (or more) I came here from Because I Said So.
Everyone is hysterical and I probably don't stand a chance but here are a couple (among hundreds).
I have a girl 4 and a boy 2, and the penis holds grand fascination for both of them. He is uncircumcised, so in addition to things like, "Let's not put stickers on your penis," I have said, "Do NOT put Cheerios inside your penis!"

And I had to tell my daughter, "I'm sorry, sweetie, but you will not grow a penis when you get bigger."

Janet said...

I forgot one -
"Do NOT try to circumcize yourself with the plastic knife!"

ShellyBlake said...

Dawn at referred me.

While on vacation w/ another family a couple of years ago we brought along our teenage babysitter Kate....while driving I said this...

"Give your booger to Kate"

Still cracks me up!

Unknown said...

Dawn (because i said so) refferd me.
There are many things i never thought i would say. the top one being
"Dont pee in your mouth". had to say that to my 4 year old son while he was in the bath. to whicht he responded that it tasted bad.
Some others i have had to say are
"dont lick the tires/van", "we pee in toilets not on your bed/ brother/ room. after my 3 year old and 4 year old boy had a peeing fight.

Anonymous said...

Don't have kids yet, but I'm a preschool teacher and I often have to say, "Don't flush, let me come see!" (Because I have to record what they do.) There are so many strange things that I've said that it doesn't even phase me anymore.

Anonymous said...

I already posted earlier but I have to say after reading these comments I feel sooo much better knowing that I am not the only mom whose boys pee in inappropriate places and are fascinated with poop, farts, and penises!

Thanks for the laughs!!
Julie in PA

Tara said...

Sent by mom2my6pack

Conversation with my newly potty trained three year old in a restaurant bathroom. Other stalls were occupied.

Mommy my poop is coming, oh it is a big one, look mom I did a good big one didn't I?

We flushed the toilet and it doesn't go down he says, "oh no it is too big it can't go down. Let's put it in the garbage mom." I am shushing him and trying to get him to stop talking. I have to go to the bathroom so bad that I then sit down and pee. He says "Mommy you are peeing on my poop, with your penis." Mommy do you have a penus," I say no

We flush again and he yells "good job mom, my poop broke and went down." Bye bye poop.

We left as quickly as we could.

Connie said...

Also referred from Dawn.

"The cat doesn't have two buttholes. One of those is for pooping, and one is for having babies."

This is after my 7 year old said, "Why does the cat have two buttholes?"

Unknown said...

Where did that much cornstarch come from and why is it all over you and IN your brother's mouth and clothes????!?!?!?!

Dawn referred me!

Christi in Mississippi

Anonymous said...

I promise that doesn't mean what you think that does when she told her teacher that mommy's favorite thing to do was to try and play with daddy.

And tonight at dinner...GET THAT CRAYON OUR OF YOUR EAR NOW!!!

Oh and Dawn referred me.

Pam said...

Funny you should mention this today... I was just posting about this incedent today... you gave me the courage to hit "publish"

"You NEVER play in gasoline, oil, or washer fluid! EVER! Do you hear me!! This is not good!!"

Read my blog today for the whole story.


Debbie @ Three Weddings said...

I have you in my Google Reader, but I did see a referral on Dawn's blog.

Mine aren't as exciting as yours and there's only one penis in this house so if I ever say something like that I'm in BIG trouble.

So, how's this:
Honey, your daughter just ate cat puke. In my defense, I was a young mom of 1 and had just gotten home from work. I went to get something to clean it up, but she beat me to it. I never dreamed she would do something like that, but I know better these days.

This Mom said...

I have a three year old who ALWAYS has his finger in his nose. I have finaly told him, "It is okay for you to pick your nose as long as you use your ELBOW."

For me the scariest thing is whhen I unexpectedly hear my MOM coming out of my mouth.

Thanks for making me laugh so hard I had tears rolling down my face. I will be sure to stop by often.

T said...

I have 4 kids. The oldest is 17, so I have a few things that if you have not said to your children yet, apparantly you should.

1. Don't put baby aspirin up your nose.
2. Just because perfume smells good doesn't mean it tastes good.
3. Don't step on your brothers head.
3. Don't jump off the roof onto the trampoline.
4. Don't jump off the roof.
5. Stay off the damn roof!
6. Don't ride your bike down the slide.
7. You can NOT bleach your hair with Clorox!
8. Please don't put the bamboo pole down your pants.
9. And that's why you should never, never pee on an electical outlet.

And my personal favorite although I don't think it's funny at all...Please for the love of God, do NOT tatoo your friends.

Michelle said...

Sadly, I have a new one to add tonight.

Mister Man, soap isn't meant to go that far into your butt.

(Followed by: No matter how much I rinse, kiddo, it's going to hurt for awhile.)

Amanda said...

I came here from her blog!

We have 5 children and I'm sure I've said many things but I've lost my mind and cannot remember many but here are a few...

1)Stop throwing cookies at the ceiling!

2)Do Not throw up at the table again...I mean it.

3)Why is there a shoeprint on the celing??

Scatteredmom said...

I only have one kid, but some days he feels like 3.

1. NO! You can't pretend tampons are dynamite!

2. Just don't shoot anything that's ALIVE. (Jake made a bow and arrow out of sticks and was playing)

3. WHO PEED in the LAUNDRY basket?!

4. You didn't blow anything up, did you?!?

5. No honey, that says "Winery", not "Weinery."

Anonymous said...

to my 9 and 12 year old boys at the public pool:

"If you're set on killing each other, i'll just wait and feed the winner!"

in my defense, i had just put them in time-out for attempting to drown each other. the adult swim time came along (traditionally when they would get a snack) while they were in time-out and they had the audacity/stupidity/lack of judgement to ask me for a treat.


Simply Me said...

Okay, so we have BEAUTIFUL rosewood furniture that my husband picked out for the living room that has to be oiled at least once a month. I had just finished oiling it and we had some people over when our 9 month old decided she wanted to touch the shiny wood. Out of my mouth comes, "NO! You do not touch Daddy's wood!" The I froze.... Then the laughter from everyone in the room drowned out my embarrassment.

amylouwhosews said...

"Close your eyes and don't open them until you fall asleep!" to a 2-year old not napping.

Julie said...

I thought of another one...

"No, honey, we can't watch a movie right you want to watch the backs of your eyelids instead?" (To which my 2 year old responded with an enthusiastic "YES!". Until she realized I meant it was time to go to bed.)

Tara said...

Sent by mom2my6pack

oops I forgot to put in my line (that was the whole point, here it is again)

Conversation with my newly potty trained three year old in a restaurant bathroom. Other stalls were occupied.

Mommy my poop is coming, oh it is a big one, look mom I did a good big one didn't I?

We flushed the toilet and it doesn't go down he says, "oh no it is too big it can't go down. Let's put it in the garbage mom." I am shushing him and trying to get him to stop talking. I have to go to the bathroom so bad that I then sit down and pee. He says "Mommy you are peeing on my poop, with your penis." Can I see your penis, I say, "No mommy doesn't have penis.
Then I say something I never thought I would say, "PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY PENIS"

We flush again and he yells "good job mom, my poop broke and went down." Bye bye poop.

We left as quickly as we could.

amy mason armstrong said...

"go get your big boy panties"....

And I'll Raise You 5 said...

"Yes, you can bring your penis." (Said to a toddler who would only come out of the bathtub if I assured him he could bring his favorite toy with him.)

"Yogurt is not a finger food."

And too many more...wish I could remember them all.

"If you have to pull someone's hair, pull your own." (She complied.)

Perky said...

"Don't lay like that -- you'll squish your boobies!"

Said by my five-year-old son to his five-year-old female classmate when she laid down on her tummy to play a game during class. This was relayed to me by his teacher.

Summer said...

Hi there!

When I started reading these, I couldn't think of any to post - though I know there are plenty of things said - I just couldn't remember. By the time I got to the end I remembered a few:

1.My 4 year old son (then 3) asked me why it was raining outside.

My response: Mother nature is crying because you aren't listening to me.

2. As the same son (I have 2) is picking his nose -

I ask him - Are you digging for gold? I'm pretty sure you aren't going to find any in there.

3. With Urgency (no pun intended) - WHAT ARE YOU DOING - THATS NOT THE TOILET!!

As I wake in the middle of the night to hear the sound of someone peeing in my bedroom. I guess he thought it was the bathroom in his sleep.

Anyways - thanks for letting me participate! :)

Beckie said...

I said this to my son who was 5 at the time, "Honey I didn't know you were a pirate!" He looked at me and said "I'm not." So I replied, "Then stop digging for burried treasure in your nose."

Hannah Schaefer said...

Hilarious! Dawn Meehan directed me over here.

I only have an almost-ten-month old son, but already I've said some things that are pretty silly, had I said them in "normal" situations.

"Honey, come look at this poop! Is that normal?? I think something's wrong!!" Yelled by my husband, upon seeing our son's runny (normal) poop.

Anonymous said...

Bennett!! Stop sitting on your brother's head!!

Quality Chick said...

Ok - after reading about this early this morning I thought "hmmm - I can't think of anything". Then the following came out of my mouth over the course of the day:
AM: "Don't play with your penis in the living room."
Noon: "Honey, please don't take my clothes off me in the store."
Evening: "Don't pee in the bathtub, pee in the potty."
And we still have three hours until bedtime. Who knows what will come next. Then apparently it all gets wiped from memory overnight.

Shelley said...

I came from Dawn's website too.

With 5 children there are more than I could possibly remember, but my favorites are probably:

We do NOT finger paint our rooms with poopy (and I do mean the WHOLE room). Said to my potty training second son.

You may NOT eat your brother's poopy. Said to my crawling baby girl after she ate the ENTIRE contents of the aforementioned son's poopy diaper that I was frantically searching for when she found it first. He had recently begun removing his diaper immediately after pooping in it, so when he came in with no diaper I knew it was hidden somewhere. Let me tell you, the people at poison control were not even phased by this. "Ma'am this happens all the time." YUCK!!

Fourteen slices of pizza is ENOUGH. No more!!! Said to my eldest son when he was 18 months lie. He threw a tantrum. I held my ground.

And the cream on the top....

GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF YOUR NOSE!!! Said to my 8 year old son for the millionth time. He picks his nose with his tongue. If you have any ideas for putting a stop to this truly disgusting habit...please let me know!

Anonymous said...

Just came from Dawn's Because I Said So.
I can remember saying to my almost 2 year old daughter:
Lori, get that kotex out of your panties, you're not old enough for those yet.
Lori, stop eating the dog food, it's for the dog. (She liked Gravy Train right out of the bag)
Hope Dawn wins a Namesake. How will she choose which of her 6 to get it for?

MaBunny said...

Ok, got a new one... NEVER thought I'd hear this uttered, but I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and I hear my hubby say
um, ok...and how???

Anonymous said...

Just tonight I caught myself saying to a 5 year old "I will NOT scratch your butt!"

Sounds straight from Dawn Meehan's blog doesn't it. She sent me here.
Thanks Dawn, it's a great site.

Nikki said...

I am so glad that I am not the only one who has said some of the above comments! But, here's a few more that I've said, and I've heard from other mother's I know:
"You are old enough to wipe your own butt!" (to my then 4 year old daughter)
"Fine, next time she hits you, hit her back!" To my 11 year old son after his hundredth some odd time of tattling on his now 6 year old sister, he has always allowed her to beat up on him.
And from when I was staying with my aunt and my cousin was about 2-my aunt hollared to her "NO,NO,NO-YOU DO NOT DRINK OUT OF YOUR DADDY'S SPIT CUP!" Yech!
Oh, and I came by way of Mabunny at AblesAntics

Anonymous said...

Referred by Coffeespaz:

Take the toilet paper out of your bra. To my 12 year old, a bit lumpy and lopsided on her way to a dance.

Major.Sunshine said...

To my one-year old

"You will take Mommie's underwear off your head before you go outside!!"

(while trying to sleep) "Please get your foot out of my ass!:

"No! You cannot pick MY nose!"

OHmommy said...


The comments.... oh my dear lord FUNNY!!!!!!!!1

Anonymous said...

I found you through Dawn :)

Don't put rubber balls in your panties.

Don't hit your brother with your underwear.

The baby is not a horse.

Do not lick the stove!

You are 8! What made you think you could stick bionicles up your nose?

Don't shoot your sister!

Please don't take your penis out in public.

Don't you love the qualifiers? It's ok if you hit your sister with say a pencil but your underwear is off limits. And I never thought I'd say "penis" so much in my life.

Yvonne said...

I too have a running list of crazy things that you would NEVER say if you were not a parent! My personal fav is, "Son! Get your toes out of the babies nose! No, she does not like it, she is wiggling like that because she cannot breath!"

(Dawn sent me!)

Anonymous said...

I also found my way from Dawns site.

My favourite is when I heard my friend tell her 2yo son.
"Take that airplane out of your diapers right now!!!"

Not to mention "No, that does not mean that a man in a wheelchair was murdered there" My six-year old son noticed the handicap-parking at the mall, and the white drawing of a man in a wheelchair made him think of the "policedrawings" on the ground he had seen on TV.

Chrissy said...


This actually wasn't said by me but by my ultra conservative sister in law. My son taught her girls that they can pee on trees and her girls took it a step further... by pooping in the front yard... on the sidewalk... on the busiest street in town....

Needless to say she was not happy with me....

I was referred to your blog from mom2my6pack Dawn. *Smile*

Anonymous said...

I found your blog via Because I Said So

My favorite quotes are:

"Son, Get your head out of the toilet!" My oldest Caleb was adopted from Vietnam and was facinated by the toilets in the US. One day my husband walked into the bathroom to find him with his head completely in the toilet and his hand on the lever flushing the toilet. He was trying to see where the water came from.

"Sweetheart, Mom is not going to kiss your bottom." My middle child Bekah-Lynn had fallen of her rocking horse and hurt her behind and asked me to kiss it better.

"Caleb, God does not push people off of elephants." He told me that God had pushed his little brother Stephen off of the rocking elephant.

Anonymous said...

I have told my children to "pick up your brains", "Stop eating your brains.", "if you don't stop chewing on your brain, I will take it away from you." My kids had a squishy stress ball in the shape of a brain from their Dr. Grandma.

Now that they are older, "pick your organs up off the floor and put them away before I throw them away." They now have 3-d puzzles of different organs.

A few others are "don't sit on the dog, stop peeing on your sister, why did you poop on the tree, I thought I told you to not poop on the tree."

Dawn sent me here.

Feisty Irish Wench said...

13 years ago I said this:
"why did you smear your poop all over your room!?!?!?!??!?!" to my son who is now 15. That incident included a mural on the wall, the beds, his brother, and since there was a hole behind the doorknob-a deposit was made as well for good measure!
Trolled over here from Dawn's blog because one hilarious mother will inevitably attract those that are like her. Definitely not disappointed by any means.

Anonymous said...

I forgot one.

My sister was giving my youngest a bath for me and she related this one:

Aunty: Stephen you may throw the balls through the hoop one more time. Okay, time to get out. (as she begins to reach for the basketballs)
Stephen: (quickly grabbing all three basket balls and placing them between his legs.) No! Auntie! My BALLS!

Not something an adult said but absolutely hilarious all the same.

She said...

I actually have two.

1. "I said it was naptime not draw tattoos all over your face and arms time" I said this not 2 minutes ago to my 3 year old son who took a marker and drew all over his face arms and chest instead of taking a nap.

2. My son was picking his nose and I asked why. He said " My friend told me that when I get older my boogers will turn into chocolate" My response "Your boogers will NOT turn into chocolate."

Anonymous said...

Not something an adult said, but the funniest moment in my 3 year old daughter's life: She was with her dad in the changing room (I was sneaking birthday presents into the cart). I hear a little voice yell "Daddy, I can see your peepee!". The 3 little old ladies working laughed. I just raised my hand and said - that one would be mine.

Oh I did have to say, "No sweetie, that is not Little Bill". I live in south dakota - not much racial diversity, and one day there was a little black boy in the park. She SHRIEKED "Little Bill! Hi little bill" That was horrifying and funny all at the same time.

I am Heather...creator of all things crafty! said...

Ok, those are all friggin' hilarious. I know the contest is over are my few.

Me: When did we eat chicken last? Oh yeah, 2 wks ago. Why is this dry drumstick bone behind your toy box?

Me: Luke, what are you doing with the purple plastic flute stuck in your bottom? Let's not put anything up our bottom, okay!

Me: Honey, we're going to have to go to the ER to get that broken off dumptruck piece OUT of your nose.

Me: After stepping out of shower, I had to explain this to my 3 yr old...."No honey, mommy doesn't have dirt "down there"...guess I better start showering with out 3 yr. old little eye's looking on. Guess, I'll have to settle for 5pm showers now, when daddy gets home and can watch Luke.


Maridy Carpenter said...

I cam over from Because I Said So.

Ok, so call me weird, but so many of these actually sound pretty normal. I am a mom to only one, but I expected to say a lot of the things I have said or heard others say.

HOWEVER, I never expected to call my husband up at work one day just to tell him "Your daughter just pooped in the toilet!" (While potty training she did not like pooping - at all- and got constipated a lot)

Another one: "Take your shoe off first, then you can take off your purse" said after she threw a fit because she could not get the strap of her purse off of her foot.

I know mine aren't that funny, so I'm gonna vote for someone else. Shannon from Delaware said this: "If you don't eat that cream puff, you won't get any more broccoli!" and "That is the cat's bottom, not a pencil sharpener." Both of these had me ROTFL.

Thanks for the great contest.

Sue daisy said...

dawn's post on because i said so, sent me here...

"um honey, Daddy's pee pee has a what?"

in response to my 4 year old neice inquiring why does her daddy's pee pee have a mustache while her two brothers (5 and 7) do not?"

that and my daily "no you can't have a fruit roll up for breakfast" to my 3 year old son.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have laughed a lot over the years at the things we never thought we would say when we were single.
After 4 kids we have some great ones, but I always laugh at, "Please don't lick the dishwasher, Sweetie." Oh, and there is, "Quick, take Dad's toothbrush away from you brother! He's brushing the dog with it."

Unknown said...

Haha this is very funny. Maybe I will change my mind about the 10 children I want to have :p

Anonymous said...

"Santa KNOWS you have a penis. You're a boy. Boys have penises. Now, PULL YOUR PANTS UP!!!"

Dear hubby walked off and left me stranded...not wanting to be associated with me and flasher boy..

Dawn sent me.

I'm enjoying your blog!

Anonymous said...

One I just said moments ago and thought of this contest.

"Don't lick the door"

Found you through reading Because I Said So..


Anonymous said...

I also wandered over from Because I Said So...

My top 10 (in no particular order):

1. I am not a tissue. Neither is your shirt.

2. How much nail polish did you eat?
Said to my 4yo daughter, after she had feasted on lip gloss and nail polish. I wasn't so worried about the lip gloss, but nail polish? Seriously? She also consumed an orange crayon later that same day.

3. Who gave Levi [then 1yo] the Desitin? How much did he eat?

4. Stop licking the table.

5. Can I please just poop in peace?
Where in the Mommy Contract did I agree to never go to the bathroom alone again?

6. Get you finger out of your sister's butt!
Shortly thereafter, it was decided that Jonny and Gracie should start bathing separately

7. Why is your neck coated in pudding? Were you eating by osmosis?

8. Get your hands out of your pockets... your penis isn't going anywhere!
Said repeatedly to my 11yo stepson while he was here for the last 2.5 weeks... he never met a game of "pocket pool" he didn't like!

9. No, I don't have to inject milk into my breasts - my body produces milk, just like other mammals do.
Said to my 12yo nephew, who asked, "Do you have to inject milk in there?" when he saw the babies nursing.

10. Because I said so!!
How many of us swore we'd NEVER say that to our kids when we were parents??

twiggy431 said...

While standing in line at the grocery store my son (10) told a lady in line, "do you have a therapist, you have issues?" The only thing I could think of to say was
"Chris we don't say that to people in public!

his reply "but it's true mom"

My reply, "I know but you don't say that to people, you only think it."

Anonymous said...

Hysterical post!! I don't think I can top any of these, although I'm sure I've said some of them myself!!

Anonymous said...

"Do not bite the dog's tongue!"

Opus #6 said...

Hilarious list! Happy VGNO!

joanofalltrades said...

These are hilarious! I'm stopping over from VGNO.

Ali said...

Cracking me UP! Great stuff. Today I had to tell my son that potting soil and dog food is not for babies, lol! Happy VGNO =)

Erin said...

Ahhh the joys of being mom! happy VGNO!

Anonymous said...

Too funny. I don't think I have a better one. I do have a wish I never had to say, but it's totally not funny. *takes a drink*

Happy VGNO!

Anonymous said...

These are hilarious!


Nicole said...

I have 3 boys but my youngest son really loves the way certain body parts feel (know what I mean?).

I never thought I would have to remind him 100 times a day to "get your hands out of your pants". I shouldn't be so surprised, he's a boy for gods sake.

Ann Harrison said...

I can't top these at this very moment. I'll be back!!!

Thanks for hangin' at the Virtual GNO! :->

Native American Momma said...

Those are all great.
Recently I found myself saying
Those are the doggies nipples, please leave them alone, yes there are many, please leave ALL 8 of them alone, really stop squeezing the dogs nipples she doesn't like it.

Shop with Me Mama said...

No honey, mommy does not have a "noodle" in her privates...
NO PRIVACY when you have a very curious 3 year old following you into the bathroom when af is visiting, sigh...

AllBeehive said...

There I was in the check out line at the drug store with a tube of lube, a huge container of adult size glycerine suppositories, and a box of rubber gloves for our severely constipated baby girl. And all I could think was "Just another Friday night family night".

SWATCOP said...

OK regards to number #7 I think you need a man's perspective on the situation.....I never changes, we are still fascinated by it!!!!!! LOL See ya at the BEACH!!!! 6 Days

marci said...

"No, sweetie, that's not a dump truck."

Back story....

For about four months when my son was 2 he identified every large truck he saw as a dump truck. The only problem was he was in the middle of perfecting his word pronunciation and he used a "b" for the "p" in dump and an "f" instead of the "tr" in truck.

Whenever he saw said vehicle he'd yell loudly, "Look, mommy! Dum* *uck! Dum* *uck!!!"

One night we were out to dinner with my parents who were visiting from out of town and hadn't heard him say this yet and my mom started to point out a dump truck to my son that was passing by the window.

Picture me doing a ninja-like leap over the table to clamp my hand over his mouth before it was too late.

I probably did some form of harm denying the identity of certain large motorized vehicles in his formative years, but I was beginning to get too many strange looks from strangers to ignore.

Leah said...

I found your site through Julians carepages.

One thing I thought I would never say is this...."No you dont have corn in your poop and no you cant look at it!!"

I have a 3 year old boy who refuses to poop in the potty so he wears a pullup at night so he can go "poop". Everytime we change his poopy diaper he asks the same question. "Momma is dere torn in my poop? Tan I looks at it?"

I love your site. Your stories are hillarious. Some of them remind me of myself. I have 4 kids and it gets pretty crazy around our house.

m&msmommy said...

I left a comment this last time you ran this contest and didn't win :( so I'm trying it again! I REALLY want a namesake for my son! :)

Very seldom do I ever get to use the bathroom alone. My adorable, ever curious, 3 year old boy is always in tow. So it was that time of the month and even though I was trying to be SOOOO discreet, it just wasn't happening and the conversation went like this...

Manuel: "Mommy, you wear diapers! I thought diapers were for babies!!!!"

Me: "Manuel, mommy doesn't wear diapers..."

Before I could do any more explaining off he ran to tell daddy that I wear diapers, which was probably a good thing because what in the world would I have said!??!?!?!! :)

Love your blog!

AlaneM said...

It is NOT ok to pee into the heater vent. EVER!!!