Dare is sumbuddy sweepin' on da table...

(I happened upon this sweet moment this afternoon while peeking back through my old blog posts - I thought I would re-post this moment from two years ago hoping to bring you a smile, too!)

So, this morning a little person, one just tall enough for his chin to hit the top edge of my mattress runs into my room and says, "Ma! Ma! Dare is sumbuddy sweepin' on da table. Come on, yook! Sumbuddy sweepin' dare!"


OK, so if you are in a deep sleep and someone squeals that in your ear...are you a little freaked out? Well, as I follow his skipping body down the hall and to the steps, I am wiping sleep out of my eyes and thinking...What the heck am I going to do if he is serious? What if 'sumbuddy' broke in and (for some ridiculous reason) fell asleep on our kitchen table? Even as I was thinking it, I knew what a FREAK that made me...to even entertain the thought...but I did.

"DARE! DARE him is! Yook!"

I squint. I 'yook' while trying to look muscular, in case this sleeping intruder is bigger than me. You know, I go into protective Mama Bear mode.

"My shwoggie! Him is on da table!"

His froggy. The %$#%**&%* plastic frog I bought him at Michael's last night! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

"Yes, bud, there is your froggy. Is he awake?"

(mumble, mumble)

"Maa, you pway Wii wit me?"

"Baby, just let mommy fill her veins with something that will make me happy to be playing Wii with you get some coffee first.

I galumph over to the coffee maker as the sound of a way-too-awake Mario and Luigi race around my living room.

Finally, I sit on the couch and we start a two player race. He likes to do the battles, which means there are like 429 games in a row. I blink my eyes, sip my drug, and prepare to KICK HIS BUTT!

In between races we high-five and giggle. This is sweet. We do it every morning. And by the second race (thanks to my coffee), I am totally into it - we have a blast!

This morning we were 3 games in and I couldn't tell you who was winning because every time I get ahead of him, he pauses the game and we trade steering wheels...ha...so technically HE is kicking MY butt!

In between the 37th and 38th race (I am exaggerating) I lay my steering wheel in my lap and reach down for my coffee that was sitting at my feet. He peeps over at me as I put my cup to my lips and start to sip....

...some crazed lunatic entered his body (maybe it was that growling spiky turtle thing that he chooses as his character to drive his race car) and he, with all the force capable of being in a 4-year old body, he punches me. Not in my arm but IN MY COFFEE CUP! And it's a KO!

The angle in which his little fist struck the mug sends scalding coffee UP MY NOSE, all over my face, on my PJs (that I was hoping to keep clean so I could justify wearing them to the bus stop in 28 seconds when his bus rounds the bend), all over the leather couch, the off-white rug....you get the picture.

I have to tell you...12 seconds later I was giggling.

Not because I had finally lost my mind. Not because I was dreaming of the glorious free time I would have while he is duct-taped to the wall (DO NOT EMAIL ME! I AM JUST KIDDING!).

I giggled, with coffee dripping from my nose and my chin, because the look in his eyes as he realized what his body had done, apparently without the approval of his brain, was priceless!

He did the 'eyeballs out of the head' gawk and then took off like a shot! His little body zipped in a mini-human blur out of the living room, in and out of the kitchen, through the baby gate that he broke (busted a rung off of so he could fit through) a couple months ago, up the stairs, into his room and slammed the door! SLAM!

The coffee cleaned up without a problem. And I found out that SNORTING coffee isn't all that bad and actually wakes you up more than drinking it.

He bravely walked down the steps and sulked into the kitchen, tail between his legs, and said, "Sowwy, Mommy. You pway Wii wit me?"
We had 4.6 seconds to get to the bus stop...no Wii...but time for
...a big snuggle for saying "Sorry"
...a "Please don't do that again."
...and a smile as he waved from the bus window.
Lesson learned? DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!

A day in the Life...an Ode to Mommies

I was peeking through my photo files instead of writing or going to bed at a decent time and I compiled an "Ode to Mommies!" Can't you just hear your response to the following photos? Leave your OWN comments/responses and add to the fun!

"This is your NEW time out area - stay put in the positions I have assigned you- don't move! I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE SLIDING, CRAMPING OR YOUR BUTT HURTS!! I SAID DON'T MOVE!"

"Replace the roll? Oh no, don't bother...it's way easier to find the end from a mass of cavorting toilet paper rolls strewn on the floor!"

"You can't have the hairy lollipop until you finish your vegetables!"

"Non-toxic? Please be non-toxic! Please let green poop be the biggest side effect of this art project!"

"Where do you get this dramatic behavior? Knock it off!"

"Oh."

"Of course you can play with the phone, swim goggles, Daddy's favorite hat and a spoon ON the counter! Would you like to make a playdate of it? I bet little Johnny would like to swing from the ceiling fan!"

"Honey, can you bring all the RAW VEGGIES into the living room? I want to make a salad for dinner!"

"Non-toxic? Please be non-toxic! Please let purple poop be the biggest side effect of this art project!"

"And how is this cleaning up? And where are your pants? WHY IS THE BIKE IN THE HOUSE?!"

"You need to get out of your sister's clothing right now! NOW! NO MORE PINK FOR YOU!"

*sigh*

Have you ever had one of those days? Post some pics and let us see!

The more the merrier! Misery loves company!

Peace.

My "Top 10" things Moms never dreamed they'd have to say...CONTEST!

This was a really fun contest that I ran last year! We had a blast! So, let's play again. Please subscribe so you can keep track of who is in the running! Put your foot in your mouth recently? The following are "MY top 10!" but I bet you have some DOOZIES! In the comments below leave the funniest words that have ever left your lips. The funniest entry...I mean the one that has me running to the bathroom... will win a personalized NAMESAKE for your child or as a gift for a special child in your life. Additionally, the owner of the blog that referred you will also receive a personalized NAMESAKE! So, leave the referring blog, too! Bloggers, spread the word and win a FREE NAMESAKE! Click here to see what a NAMESAKE is! Enjoy this installment of the "MY SEMBLANCE TOP 10!" 10. Get your dinner out of your nose! I know too many moms who have had to tweeze a pea out of their child's nose at some point during toddlerhood. What in the world is it with kids and orifices? They are obsessed. I wonder if there is a connection between peas up the nose and premarital sex? Ya think? Hmmmm. 9. PUH-LEASE, get your hands out of your pants/mouth/toilet/cat litter/all of the above! It is like their little fingers are homing devises for butt-nasty germs! Who in their right mind would EVER dream of grabbing a handful of kitty litter? Who reading this has put bird poop in their mouth? No one? I rest my case! 8. Now, you say "I'm sorry for pooping in your yard!" They run when it is time to change their diapers, they fight to take a bath, they wouldn't dream of going on the potty but a little naked time with the sprinkler and they are all about public pooping! 7. Take that off your penis, NOW! What is it with little boys and their dingies? Why are they so fascinated? Why must they adorn/touch/scratch/pinch/squeeze and stretch the bejeebies out of the little things? Just leave it. It's NOT going anywhere? 6. Spit! Gum off the floor/underside of the table/sidewalk is NOT yours to chew! Ewwwww. Ewwwww. Ewwwwww. It's flattened, tasteless and has the imprint of a 300 lb. sweaty man's shoe on it....what about that is appetizing? Given the option, I would eat a boatload of liver before chewing sidewalk gum...heck, I would be a contestant on FEAR FACTOR before noshing on booger-laden gum from under a restaurant table. At least the Fear Factor stuff is sterilized! 5. You have 5 seconds to get every bit of glue off of the dog! Liquid and fur...kind of like the orifice thing in my house, I don't get it but they do. Man, do they get it. I have had to clean peanut butter, oatmeal, liquid soap, Elmer's glue, soy sauce, pancake syrup and spit off our poor black lab. No wonder she has anxiety issues...she is being hazed by a baby! 4. Why are my cutting boards under the couch cushions? Although sometimes they are like little tornadoes and wreak havoc throughout our homes they themselves do not see what all the fuss is about. They truly think that the cutting boards, when out in the open, will reduce their super strength like Kryptonite. They fully understand that if they do not have their headgear (colander) in place, the evil Hoozie-Whatzie will conquer their stuffed-animal army. And, without a doubt, unless the ceiling fan is on high when they lasso it with the jump rope they may not reach warp speed. 3. Where are all the spoons?! For the love of Pete, why are they in the air conditioning vent? Again, with the "everything has a home" theory...it's just that OUR idea of a spoon's home is not THEIR idea of its home. Of course, if I were a pirate (bad boy pirate kid) and there was a treasure box (ottoman) sitting on the spot marked "X" (closed A/C vent), it would be quite silly to NOT dig (lift off the grate) for hours (.3 seconds) to retrieve the booty (mom's heirloom silver)! Right? Help.Me. 2. Help! Honey, do something! He just puked in his shoes! What in the world would possess a child to take off his shoes to throw up? Do you get an unsettled feeling in your big toe just as your lunch is making it's re-entry? Why not just aim for a bush? How about just the grass/floor/sand/driveway? Is it the infamous man-game? You know they one, where they trying to fit a lot of something in a very small space? "I KNOW I can get this heavier-than-the-combined-weight-of-our-children dufflebag to fit between the front seats of the car *...STOMP...crunch...STOMP...crack...STOMP* SEE! I did it." Maybe our boys are saying, "*gurgle, gurgle* I bet I could fit the entire contents of my stomach into my shoes...awww nah, I bet I could fit it all into ONE sh.... * SPLOOSH!* SEE! I did it!" and finally, the #1 thing I wish I never had to say... 1. Yes, hi, is this customer service? I was hoping I could speak with someone who could tell me the best way to get peanut butter out of my ceiling fan motor, a caravan of melted Hot Wheels out of my dryer hose, a plastic Chinese star out out of my Wii console, $4.37 cents out of my car's CD player, melted crayons out of my freshly fabric softened whites, food coloring hand prints out of linen curtains and crushed goldfish crackers out from between the k4eys o8f my l*pt9op! Hello? Hello? Help.Me.

You know it's Friday when...

All the lollipops are hairy...

Your motorcycle gets stuck in the A/C vent...

Your children have come down with Purple Stripe-itis...

The dog's sweet tooth can't be tamed.... The Pokemon Cards explode.... and all the characters you can't pronouce are loose in your house...

There's a "something-a-saurus" in your decaf...

Your offspring's legs are shrinking...fast...

All your shoes feel too tight...

Even these... (yes, that IS what you think it is!)

It's not even 9am and you feel like this...

Has anyone seen the Vodka Calgon?! HAPPY FRIDAY!!! Today is the last day for the CHILDREN'S BOOK CONTEST! <----Click there...and enter!

The Circus is HERE...a CONTEST!

"Ladies and gentleman, children of all ages...."

I don't know about you but my house is like a FRIPPIN CIRCUS on most days! Somehow, probably because no one else wanted the job, I became the ringmaster. It's kind of like that phenomenon in gym class when the two popular kids get to pick teams and you are the last one picked. Well, apparently I am the least popular person in my house and I ended up with the proverbial shortest straw!

So, on any given day I wipe butts which I think is similar to the guy with the shovel that follows the elephants around. I try NOT to feed my kids as much fiber as an elephant so I can stay on top of that job. And only one is still in diapers so I think I am good. I think I got this down.

Because I can wipe a butt, make a sandwich, clean the toilet, feed the dog, do a craft, sing a song and talk on the phone all at the same time...I think I qualify for the resident ACROBAT as well. Oh, that's just great...RINGMASTER AND ACROBAT...is NO ONE ELSE qualified for either of these jobs? Let me gather their resumes...

kid #1 - um, no...

kid #2 - nope...

kid #3 - yeah, right...

my dear hubby - BWAAAA HAAAA snort giggle giggle! Crap! It really IS all on me!

So, I was left to deal with the following things (and the reason I have not been blogging) just this week.

We had an injury...

the alligator was wrestling with the kids and my youngest tried to feed him the Polly Pockets and "he bite bite!" At least that's the story I got.

It's a more exciting story than what really happened which was simply a 3 year-old finding the tape in the junk drawer and pulling the end for all he was worth. While chasing him around the island in the kitchen and around the table and into the living room the tape wrapped itself around his flailing arms! Not funny. If it wouldn't have been cutting off the circulation to his hand I would have made him keep it on to show him it was a silly idea. And, it may have kept him still as he would have STUCK to something and I could have finished dinner.

Then there was the flood... In the kitchen. While I was otheriwse occupied and only a few steps away my son decided to play Noah without his ark. He was innocently playing in the sink which keeps him occupied and he loves it and is usually good about NOT making a mess (except for that one time when he realized the faucet is actually a hose you can pull out and aim). Today, he chose a coffee mug as his weapon and he filled and dumped. Apparently he dumped a couple times but because I had a towel on the floor I didn't hear the splat. I didn't hear until the WAVE came!

Apple Coring 101... was, I thought, my breaking point this day (did I mention this all happened within 30 minutes? *twitch twitch*). I was a cool mom and made craft/drawing supplies available so that after I finished "parting the SEA" I could get dinner on the table. I had also supplied a healthy snack. His favorite. "Bapple!"

Then I had to make the birthday cake for my oldest's (still scarred by the sex talk - scroll down to read that) 11th birthday.

Sweet success...

Wait...where did that extra piece come from?

You have GOT the be kidding me! Nice. Perfect ending to a perfect day! NOT!

---------o0o---------------

CONTEST:

Tell me about your life IN THE CIRCUS and what position at the circus you feel you are most worthy of...tightrope walker, the lion tamer, sideshow freak, trapeze artist, clown, the audience...did I miss anything?

The best "quote" or scenario will win this book.

Sidewalk Circus is a gorgeous wordless book about the anticipation of the coming circus. It is a Blue Ribbon Picture Book Award winner. By Paul Fleischman (Author), Kevin Hawkes (Illustrator)

Good LUCK!

And as always...refer, link, post! Everyone is welcome!

Cocktails in the morning...

cock·tail /ˈkɒkˌteɪl/ –noun ~ an eclectic mixture or miscellaneous collection. (see, I was not referring to alcohol!) This morning I was longing for something; an IV of something that would just take me away...like one of those CALGON MOMENTS! (I am dating myself with that old commercial reference). I never found it but it wasn't for lack of trying. So, since I look to Kate Gosselin (my BFF!) from Jon & Kate + 8 to entertain me with her chaotic life, I will PAY IT FORWARD and entertain you with a gaze into a typical morning in the Brownlow house! It's 7:30 am and as I grab the first ingredient to my cocktail, I can hear a motor kind of sound. A faint, distant, "nnnnnrrrrrrrrrrrrr." For lack of a better idea, I yell to the baby, "What are you doing?" He replies, "mow. me mow." I scratch my head as I scoop the coffee grounds into the filter. Mow? He's mowing? "Shaving! He is shaving!" I screech as I run passed my other kids to meet him at the bottom of the stairs. Holding his "weapon of choice" my 3-year olf showed me how Daddy "mowed" with the electric razor. Promptly confiscated. I dump the 2nd cocktail ingreds (creamer and sweet & low) into the cup and kneel down onto his level. "Please, stop mowing your face. That is Daddy's mower. Only Daddy is old enough to mow his face." As I tapped my finger, waiting for the third ingredient for my cocktail, drip...drip...drip... he proceeded to quickly complete the following tasks: ~ whacked the Wii remote against the pantry doors 43 times ~ turned off the TV ~ dialed 8-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3 on the phone ~ stole dirty dishes while I was emptying the dishwasher and hid them under the coffee table ~ figured out how to dismantle the child lock on the pantry and how to get out of the patio door ~ tried to snag camera off the counter As I am chasing him from corner to corner, clearing my scalp hair by hair, I try to empty the dishwasher, make coffee and simultaneously get the other two ready for camp while they sit and veg on the couch. As if there was nothing chaotic happening, my daughter whines, "Mom, what does foundation mean?" I say, "Give me a sentence." She replies with a puzzled look on her face, "I don't have one." I flash the puzzled look right back at her! Did brain matter ooze out of my ear while I was wrestling the dog's tail away from the baby? I have no idea what she is saying. Then my oldest starts spouting, " Mom! I get to be Lucario!" (Pokemon Wii game) Faking interest, I squawk, "Wow, bud! Great!" "Come look. He is not usually this color. He is usually blue with white but I made him this sort of gray." "Fun!" "Come on, look!" I grumble, shove some brain back into my head, burn my lips on my caffeine cocktail as I stop making their camp snacks to go look at some Wii beast that appears to have the DNA of a trashcan; he's all metally-looking. woo-freakin-hoo. "Wow. He's cool bud. Why is he doing th....Woah, what is th....ugh, I just don't get video games." "Mooooooom!" Then it hits me! I have to "go"! You know, the bathroom! Those of you who read my blog regularly, you may remember THIS POST! Going number 2 is usually NOT an option for me except for during naptime...but something about caffeine on an empty stomach does it to me every time! So, much to my chagrin, I take his little hand and we head into the torture chamber powder room together. It wasn't more than 3 minutes later...you know that time frame...let's just say the magazine was opened to the article I had been trying to read for like 5 years was finally being read and... he lets himself out. He closes the door behind him which, of course, locks with the baby lock. Fat feet flap across the kitchen floor. I try to hurry. I strained to hear where he was, how close he was to the bathroom door and what he was doing. I heard a lot of crinkling. I needed to see what he was into but I wasn't "done," *smash!* OK, now I had to be done. I walked out of the bathroom and find the dog fully surrounded by ice cubes and popsicles. A sort of toddler altar to all things cold, I suppose! Silly me, I thought I might get a shower before taking the kids to camp. I am tired of looking like I just rolled out of bed when I drop the kids off. My youngest is usually up sometime after 6am, so by the time I get to camp, I have been up for over 3 hours! I am sure the make-up-wearing-ready-for-a-date teen counsellors are thinking, "What does she do all morning? Why can't she at least fit a shower in before she gets here? Gag me." (Yep, dating myself again) So, this morning my cocktail consisted of 'coffee and chaos'...just a little more than I bargained for. TGIF! The CONTEST (see post below) will run through 10 pm EST Sunday, so it is not too late to spread the word and join in the fun!

"Poison Control, how can I help you?"

I sat with my coffee yesterday morning and made a Monday - Friday calendar that lays out what chores I would need to complete each day so my house does not ALWAYS look like it threw up on itself. It is on my fridge as a reminder and I jumped out of the gates running this morning after getting the older kids to school and taking the baby to Nana's.

My house is not one of those houses you see on the news. No bags of garbage, no piles of stuff taller than me. I am just tired of wading through a high tide of legos, hot wheels, Thomas trains while searching through dirty plates and bowls of squishy cereal for the ringing phone that always seems to hide beneath the muck. I am nauseated by the amount of dust that lays in a blanket over my entertainment center and the many case-less DVDs, box-less movies and hidden food wrappers.

Really. It's not that bad but I tend to write more than I clean lately and with a VERY anal husband, it makes me feel bad that he works so hard to allow me to stay home and I can't even keep the house clean. 3 kids and almost 3,000 square feet is just ridiculously out of control sometimes!

So, today I planned to vacuum and dust and if time allowed I was going to start a project as I have declared Wednesday 'Project Day.' I vacuumed while the baby was at Nana's and when he came home I popped in his favorite movie -Stuart Little 2 - 5 minutes later, I called POISON CONTROL!

While I was getting rid of that petrified layer of dust with my spackling knife, my Stuart Little fan decided this product (although put on the counter, where I thought it was out of his reach - with NO lid on) looked a little like lemonade. When I turned around, his little mouth was hiding the opening of the spout. I didn't know if he had kicked his head back and gotten a mouthful or if this glimpse was the first touch...I SCREAMED, "NOOOOOO!"

I grabbed the bottle and looked at the label: KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN. FATAL IF SWALLOWED. ALWAYS REPLACE LID WHEN NOT IN USE.

Now, you must know, the spout on this bottle is sort of like a red wine vinegar spout, only one drop comes out at a time - you have to shake it to get a significant amount of fluid out.

Hello, Poison Control (1-800-222-1222) this is Mimi.

Mimi, the nurse I spoke to, asked if he coughed at all after I took it away from him. "Sob, sob, sob, snort - NO - sob, sob." She then told me that they have to put that on the bottle but the actual danger isn't in the swallowing but in actually breathing the liquid into the lungs. This will cause chemical pneumonia which is fatal b/c there is no way to clean the lungs of the oily substance. She said protocol is to call back in 1 hour, then 6 hours, then 24 hours. She reassured me that since he did not sputter and cough - there was most likely nothing to worry about.

He is fine. And he continued his rampage through my house while I tried to finish my dusting.

Mimi told me to give him some yogurt to keep the inside of his mouth from getting irritated from the oil...he thought he needed to make a 2-year old statement instead.

Oh, sorry, NOW he's done making his statement. The chicken nuggets is his piece de resistence.

Soon after this yogurt incident, a friend stopped by (Hi, Janet) and as we chatted just inside the front door, the baby ran past and into the office. A mere 3 seconds later, Janet says, "Ummm, do you want him to be doing that?" I glance in the office thinking, "What is he drinking, now?' only to find him standing on my swivel chair aiming the Febreze at my open laptop. All of this ridiculous chaos for this...

...a dusted, organized entertainment center. Why do I even try? UGH!

As if a subliminal reminder, I found my dust cloth under this book. Really. If you should read this book, you probably don't have the time to.

Wednesday's WHAT THE...?

Since I have been welcoming the highest numbers of readers on MY SANITY these days, I thought I could see how many of you I can stump... Can you identify this "gift" that I found in my son's school bag...?

Ya think ya know? THERE IS A COOL PRIZE TO THE CORRECT GUESSER!!!!!!!

Did I mention, I am ULTRA CRAFTY? So the PRIZE may be HANDMADE!