My Child? A Bully? (Guest post by Annie Fox)

My dear friend Annie Fox is one of the biggest teen/tween advocates I know. She is the founder of the very informative website ANNIE FOX.COM which is the motherload of information, support and advice for PARENTS, TEENS and EDUCATORS.

I am always thrilled to have Annie post on my blog! You won't be sorry you read this post. You can read PART 2, HERE!

You can find Annie and her CRUEL'S NOT COOL brainchild on Facebook! It would be in your best interest to stay connected to this woman! She will change the world!

Take it away, Annie!

My child? A bully?!! Part 1

July 2, 2010

Me? A Bully? Yeah, right!

This won’t be an easy read. But if the title pulled you in, you may already have some suspicions (or hard evidence) that your kid engages in mean-spirited behavior that hurts others. No parent wants to admit their kid is a bully, but according to a recent U.S. Department of Justice study, 77% of students nation-wide reported having been bullied, verbally, mentally or physically, in school in the past month. Lots of tormentors. Each one is somebody’s child. Would you know if (s)he was yours?

Hints that your child may be a bully:

1. You or your partner is a bully. The family is Ground Zero for learning about emotional responses and relationships. If a parent consistently yells or uses verbal threats, emotional blackmail or physical violence to manipulate family members, that’s what the child learns. And that learned aggression is likely to come to school with him/her. If you’re a bully it may be difficult for you to see it. If you’re wondering, ask your partner or your child “Do you think I’m a bully?” Hopefully they’re not too afraid to tell you the truth.

2. Your child is bossy at home. Is she demanding? Do things have to be her way or she throws a fit? Curses at you? Threatens? Gives you the silent treatment? Refuses to cooperate? Takes it out on siblings? If you made a short list of adjectives describing your child would you paint a portrait of someone you admire? If you admit she’s self-centered, controlling, insensitive at home, why assume she’s consistently caring and supportive at school?

3. Your child’s close friends are not the nicest people. You may not trust them without knowing why. Or you may have good reasons not to respect the choices these kids make. If so, talk to your child (calmly and respectfully) about these friends. This isn’t about labeling or demonizing. And it’s surely not about getting into a power struggle with your child about who she can and can’t be friends with. This is about understanding your child. Be compassionately curious about his friendships and he’s likely to open up. Your intent is to find out what your child likes about his friends and which ones, if any, your child may not be 100% comfortable with.

4. Your child makes rude comments about other kids. Tune in to conversations between your child and her friends. What kind of language do they use to describe other kids? How often do you overhear gossip, a rude put-down, or a “joke” being made at someone else’s expense?

Ask your child to tell you about the social hierarchy in her grade. Kids often like to display their expertise and you’ll be surprised at how detailed they get about who’s “in” and who is so not. Some kids will literally draw you a picture of the school’s social landscape! Listen closely as your child describes the kids who aren’t popular. Or the ones who are. Do you hear derogatory language? (“He’s such a loser.” “She’s such an ugly bitch.” ”Fat!” “Retard!” “Whore.”) If your kid freely talks this way in your presence, there are no barriers to the hurtful words (s)he’ll say, text or post when you’re not around.

Parents of tweens and teens assume that their days of influencing their children are over. Not so! While it’s a fact that friends’ opinions are important, so are yours. You still have tremendous influence on your child’s values and behavior, and you always will. Even after your kids are grown with kids of their own.

If you are aware that your child is a bully or leaning in that direction, it’s up to you to provide a course correction. When each parent does their job… bullying problem solved.

Next week: What to do if you now realize that you’ve been contributing to a bully-in-the-making? How can you begin to help your son or daughter change… for good?

Middle School Confidential Book 3 What's Up with My Family?

Once again, Annie Fox has nailed it!

What's Up With My Family is an amazing addition to your home library. With chapters like, I'm Not a Little Kid Anymore, Fuel-ish Thinking, Things are Changing Around Here, That's So Unfair, Moods and Attitudes, When Someone is Gone, Struggling with Siblings and Let's Call a Truce, Annie leaves no stone unturned while giving tips and ideas for how to not only keep the peace but enjoy and appreciate the family you have been given.

The folks at FreeSpirit Publishing knew what they were doing when they signed this woman. Annie is single-handedly saving our youth. Yes, that sounds dramatic...but she is doing it! All you have to do is pick up Book 3 in her Middle School Confidential Series!

If you don't know Annie Fox, you need to go meet her HERE! She has a triptych-style website for teens, parents and educators...whichever you are you can click and start your head spinning with all she has to say. As a parent, there is NO better site to get informed and take action toward keeping your teen safe, well-informed and by your side in this journey that is not always as simple as The Beaver and Mrs. Cleaver made it out to be.

Want a quick peek into Annie's style and HOW she grabs teens where they are? Check this out!

Annie has a passion for middle school kids that parents wish EVERY adult who impacts their child's life would have. Annie is the teacher, the counsellor, the mentor I pray my kids find. But if your child is thrashing and reaching for straws and no teacher/counsellor stands out to you the way you had hoped they would, THE MIDDLE SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL SERIES is a God send!

Check out BOOK ONE: Be Confident in Who You Are! Voted BEST TEEN BOOK by Radical Parenting.com

BOOK TWO: Real Friends vs. The Other Kind!

And BOOK THREE: What's Up With My Family?

My favorite part of Annie's books are the quotes from REAL kids that she has gathered over the years. These quotes aren't the sugar-coated, "Look at me, I made the best choice and it impacted my life for the better" quotes you read in some teen self-help books. She includes, real, raw quote from kids smack dab in the middle of the angst that plagues most teens.

"I speak my mind and don't like it when my family treats me unfairly. I get A's and help around the house. I have friends and I'm in two music programs. What do they want? I know running away is hard, but I'm afraid I will crack from this pressure." ~ C.J., 11

Well, I guess I have WAY more than ONE favorite thing about BOOK THREE in this series! There were so many "a ha" moments for me as a parent. The book is written FOR the kids but as I read it with my 12 year old, things like, "It's natural for the people who raise you to have some trouble getting out of the habit of treating you the way they did when you were younger."

WOOPS! That is where I am RIGHT NOW! My 11 and 12 year old are trying to spread their wings a little and until I read that sentence, I was looking at their requests as trying to keep up with their friends. You know the old blanket response, "Well, then, I guess just because Amy can have a cell phone/a facebook page/a web show, etc then I should just let you follow Amy's mom's rules? NOT HAPPENING!"

I have three amazing kids who follow rules, are respectful and "get it" when it comes to the things I say "no" about. But we were all teens, we know from OUR past experiences that that can change in a heartbeat! I LOVE that I have Annie's books on my books shelf for when that midnight conversation starts and I need some back up!

Head over to Annie's website and grab up these books! You WON'T BE SORRY! I promise!

Follow her on Twitter! @Annie_Fox

Friend her on FACEBOOK!

Peace.

Score your own MIDDLE SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL BOOK

When I spoke with Annie Fox on the phone a couple months ago, we clicked! Both being so passionate about kids, we talked and talked and the ideas flowed and flowed! It was like a geyser of "save the world starting with the kids" conversation!

So, a week later when BOOK 2: Real Friends vs. the Other Kind arrived in the mail, my oldest son happened to be dealing with the stress of a tryout for the Christmas concert soloist. He wasn't concerned with not getting the part, he was concerned that some of the other boys in the class would make fun of him for WANTING the part.

He explained the scenario when the teacher asked, "Who would like to try out?"

"Mom, I heard her ask the question and before I even had a chance to think about it, my arm shot up! It was automatic. I didn't even realize I was raising it until she called my name."

"That's great, bud!"

"But when the teacher called my name, "J" and "M" both said, 'Yeah, you SHOULD do it!'"

"And....what's wrong with that?"

"I think they were making fun of me. I think they want me to try out so they can make fun of me."

"Why would you think that?"

"I don't know."

So...I pulled out Annie's book, handed it to him (he LOVES graphic novels) and said, "I will be back in a little bit, you can tell me what you think when I get back."

The books are filled with honest comments from kids in that "tween" bracket. But on-going through those comments is a scenario that reads like a comic book, a scenario about Real Friends and how to deal with those who aren't. Annie's website is split into three parts: For Teens, For Parents, For Educators. BRILLIANT!

Now, you see WHY I handed him this book!

Needless to say, he tried out for the solo and was shocked when those two boys patted him on the back and said, "Great job!" The fear he had of them wanting to make fun of him was created out of his insecurity of BEING who he really is. I truly think, had I not had Annie's book to use as a guide, he may not have listened as clearly to another one of Mom's "when I was a kid" stories.

Annie's characters are REAL and RIGHT NOW!

You can win your own copy of this book to give to your favorite TWEEN for Christmas! Simply leave a comment (and a tween scenario if you like) and RANDOM.ORG will choose the winner.

Peace.