Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Halls of Skin and Bone...

*(I bumped this post up! It's a repeat, ENJOY!)*
 
Today we did some school shopping. I got a babysitter and I took my older two to the mall.
 
I love the smell of Back-to-School!
 
Not the fact that the fruit of my loins will actually spend hours away from me 5 days a week (I hate that part) but just the tingly excitement of that first day. The new kids, new teachers, locker combinations, new notebooks, cute boys, being late to the class I didn't even sign up for but ended up being on my schedule, unexpectedly getting my period, tripping up the stairs in front of the boy I was planning on having a crush on that day and having egg salad soup at the bottom of my locker at luchtime.
 
Well, not ALL my memories are good ones I guess. But, I still get excited for the shopping!
 
On our trip, we went to all the stores that kids love: Children's Place, Old Navy, GAP and some department stores that Mom dragged them into in hopes of a good sale. But then I had the great idea to travel into a world unknown...Hollister.
 
I have never been able to figure out the fashion phenomenon of a NAME. What makes a name when it comes to fashion? How do the words GAP, ABERCROMBIE, AEROPOSTALE define multi-millions in sales? They are cool clothes, I enjoy the styles and quality but I have a strong feeling if they looked identical but were called SMITHSENSTRUBER they wouldn't be so cool!
 
So, we walk into Hollister - our first time. It's a dark and loud store. I actually felt like I was walking into a bar. That's how they sell clothes! You are squinting and can't see a thing and the music is so loud when you ask where to find the clothes that cost less than $400 you can't hear what the 4-year old sales girl who weighs 20 lbs. says. So, you grab up a couple things, head to the register, swipe your card and head for the nearest CVS for some Advil, Oil of Olay and Slim Fast.
 
I am not a name-dropper or someone who needs to have the latest name brand fashions and I try to deter my children from feeling that is necessary.
knock off designer purses don't count because they are not real


But, I have shopped long enough to know that even the stores that cause you to take out a second mortgage just to outfit your three children for one day DO, in fact, sometimes have good sales. I just thought it would be cool for my first-time middle-schooler to have a Hollister T-shirt for school...I would do anything to give him a leg up on the sometimes cruel competition.
So, we walk in and head right for the clearance racks.


Of course, we had to pass the posters...ugh, the posters...what was this, the red light district? Are they SELLING SKIN in this store? Well, then why is so much of it showing?? The girls in the posters weigh approximately 14.5 ounces and have the slender shape of Gumby! Their apparent poster boy love interests have 6-pack abs that go the whole way dowwwwwwwwwn to a VERY TOO LOW waist line.

I was covering my daughter's eyes and blushing before we got past the cash register! I think I actually felt myself get fatter in this store. I could see the sales staff wasting away while I unbuttoned my shorts to relieve the pudge that was growing underneath my not-Hollister, mom clothing. I wanted to BARF. THEY needed to eat.

"C'mon, honey, have some fries, a milkshake, SOMETHING that will make you weigh more than my purse!"

I found some great sales after asking a nice kid who walked us
because he had lost his voice from screaming directions to the customers all day


I know, I know. I should not be school shopping for ME but I have to say, I got sucked into the Hollister haze and wanted to wear the word, too! Of course, that feeling quickly faded when I held up a t-shirts that could have doubled as a sock on this mom body.

They got shirts.

I got perfume and pretended each squirt would airbrush me to the size of that $@!#! poster girl!
Still squirting...

NOTHIN’!

Peace out, Mamas!

17 comments:

danzrev said...

hello there,

I know you don't know me i just came a cross your blog just to say hi and how are you?

The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess said...

I'm not big on name brands, but you've really got to watch the Sears clearance racks. I've picked up satin tanks for 99 cents, jeans for $2, shirts for $2-5, nice dresses for $3, and shoes for $5. Just keep your eye out for the 90% off signs. They mark their clearance racks 90% off the clearance price at the end of the seasons. The stuff goes fast, but it's definately worth checking out now and then.

The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess said...

I'm not big on name brands, but you've really got to watch the Sears clearance racks. I've picked up satin tanks for 99 cents, jeans for $2, shirts for $2-5, nice dresses for $3, and shoes for $5. Just keep your eye out for the 90% off signs. They mark their clearance racks 90% off the clearance price at the end of the seasons. The stuff goes fast, but it's definately worth checking out now and then.

Julie said...

My kids don't get name brand stuff unless it's A)given to them as gifts or hand-me-downs or B)I find it at Goodwill or Salvation Army.

Fortunately, even though my kids would LOVE to shop at all the "cool" stores, they understand that they could get ONE new shirt or pair of jeans from said stores, or they could get about 12 different OUTFITS somewhere else.

Anonymous said...

$12 isn't bad for a shirt but now you have given them a taste and they will only want more more more. You are doomed!!!!!

We stick with JC Penny, Target, etc. =)

Mabunny said...

Oh wow, glad I don't have to go thru the horror or back to school shopping. I do miss going for supplies though a bit. We wound up buying Nicoles stuff for this year at the end of last school year. We can order it prepaid and it will be delivered the week before school to the appropriate teacher. This was our first year to try that. She also wears school uniforms and all of the ones from last year fit her since she shot up in height and slimmed down! woohoo! but this weekend we do have to go to get haircuts, and new socks and underwear which she gets at the beginning of each new school year. Yippee...

Dora said...

Just stumbled on your blog and LOVE it! Thankfully my kids are too young to care about name brands but my sister has 2 high school age boys! They refuse to wear anything unless it's name brand. My sister is an amazing shopper and NEVER pays full price for anything. She will only look/ buy off the clerance rack. I've seen her get shits for $3 at Aeropostale! She also love buying at Plato's Closet. They sell "teen" gently used clothes. A cool thrift store...who knew?

T with Honey said...

I hope this little story doesn't have you running back to the store to return your shirts but...

I can't help but laugh every time I see someone wearing a t-shirt with Hollister printed all over it because all I can think of is poop. Yes, poop.

Why?

Because I had an ileostomy for 3 years of my life and the name of the company I bought my ostomy supplies from... Hollister. The ostomy brand name came first so I have to laugh at the geniuses that decided upon that name for the clothing company.

I have saved my aunts and uncles tons of money by relaying this info to my younger cousins.

Kirsten said...

I hate this store. I mean, I really really dislike it. Went in once, got an immediate migraine and thought I was going to throw up. Actually felt drunk in fact. So confusing, everyone so skinny and naked looking. So glad my kids are 6 & 3. My day is coming though.

Melanie said...

The husband and I used to go in Hollister when we were living in CA, but just the other day we went into one here and we thought we were going to die. 2 kids and a different state later we thought it was loud and dark! Man when did we get old?

Devin said...

You just put every feeling and emotion I have ever had when I walk into that store into words...

Thank you, thank you for this hilarious post! Absolutely made my day.

Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk said...

I have absolutely not idea what or who Hollister is but I catch your drift. We have similar stores here in England and there are plenty of Keep-up-with-the-Jones' mums who check out what 'label' your tot is wearing. Urgh!

Mabunny said...

Michelle, please please read your email... i sent you one a little while ago about a child and family that may need its4thekids help!
hope to hear back from you soon!

Theresa said...

Thanks for the laugh. You crack me up!

T

Anonymous said...

I don't want anyone to think I am making fun of them because that is not the intent of this comment, but I laughed all the way through your post and then almost peed myself when I read the comment from Dora that said she has "seen her sister get the shits for $3 at Aeropostale"!! What a visual that created!!! And I've never been in Hollister but it definitely sounds like a store that could give me the shits!! LOL

Debbie Yost said...

I shop Gap outlet because I like the style for my oldest and the clothes hold up better than Walmart, but I refuse to buy any shirts that blaze the name of the brand across the shirt. It really bugs me to pay $40 to advertise for them. Seriously, I should get a discount for that! I remember in Jr. High and High School Jordache and Vidal Sasoon jeans were the rage. Now you buy them at Walmart. How brands change!

RefreshMom said...

I know this is from last week, but I relived our own trip to the mall (probably about the same date) and my encounter with Hollister's equally dimly lit underdressed sibling "Abercrombie and Fitch." I am soooo glad my kids are too young to crave those labels yet (heck, they don't give a whit whether I pull out Gymboree or Children's Place or Sears!).

Am I the only mom in America who has an asthma attack walking by the OUTside of those stores? If the "perfume" is that strong in the center of the mall, what must it be like inside? I haven't had the nerve to find out. I hadn't used my "rescue inhaler" for days, but simply being within 20 feet of their entrance sent me digging through my purse to find it!

I'm actually hoping either for their demise, for a new marketing team that nixes the use of noxious fumes or for the rise of a new, brightly lit, fun (and tame) hip store by the time my boys care about those things!